To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

Agree, what a shitty, twatty judgy op.
Are you suggesting some kind of Logans Run op with enforced contraception for anyone over 38 and a half?

One of the single parents was a lesbian too, because apparently that's relevant. Since she knew she'd never have to find a man. Or something.

To wish people would look to the future before having babies when they have a chronic health condition

Nice, eh?

OP,

We are those parents.

I absolutely agree with you.

We didn't give it any thought and we should have.

We certainly have thought about it since, and when friends have been diagnosed with cancer, it put the wind up me completely.

Several of my peers have left teens/early 20's behind and it has been desperately sad.

I don't think prospective parents think that far ahead.

They are all caught up in the lack of sleep, when what we didn't actually realise is the hard bit is nearly 15 years away, and yet to come.

Having teens in your 50's can be really hard at times.

We are running around after them, counselling them, supporting them, paying for them.

We love and enjoy ours but we definitely feel very tired at times.

Our friends that had children a decade earlier, are grateful, as they feel their energy levels dip with age.

Our peers without exception, share our views too.

It's a tricky one.

We loved our childfree 20's, into our 30's, they were fantastic years full of travel and wonderful experiences.

Would I swap those years? It depends on the day and whats going on, is the honest answer.

I think it is very presumptuous to think family members will step in and have an obligation to be close to your children on the off chance they will need to take them on should you die.

I can tell you that I was pleased when my eldest turned 21.

I think should they push a conversation upon you, or criticise you, you have every right to put them straight.

My nominated guardians for DS in my will were in their 40s when he was born, 20 years older than me. I think it's specific to your family members' situations.

Wouldn't you want to do this?

Your relatives don't know who you are:-/

Hat trick (I mmust have missed the mention of the Lesbian Mum)!!!

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable. It’s just all the people who have had children late in life, or know someone who has justifying themselves by having a pop at you.
meanwhile at the school gates, they are getting upset / outraged when they are taken for their child’s grandparent.

YABU to judge people on when they have babies. People can get crippling illnesses suddenly in thier 20’s and 30’s too. Many in their 60’s suffer no health issues.

You’d be entirely within your rights to say no you couldn’t help. Couldn’t say it myself mind.

It’s more that there’s an expectation that if they end up lone adults, I will invite them to every Christmas, regularly keep in touch, birthdays etc.as well as ‘being there for them’ as their main family member.

Erm..... is that really such a huge hardship? To be around for a young adult or adult as a member of their family?

YABU. You disapprove of their decision to have one child, yet you also disapprove of their decision to have that child at a particular age. Are you honestly saying you'd be happier with being asked if there were two or three siblings?

I agree with @billy1966 too - any replacement parenting relationship costs money, has to come from the heart and is a big commitment. Expecting someone with small kids to travel to see them is off too.

I would never want someone to be guardian who didn't want to do it.

I'm in my late 50s, I may not be a suitable parent as far as the OP is concerned but I'm listed as guardian to five children under the age of ten. And unlike the OP, I wouldn't hesitate to give them all a home if the need arose.

A bucketful of love and kindness is a lot more important than some arbitrary number, thank goodness !

I just don't get your angst. My DSis has a life limiting illness, but is perfectly healthy for now, if something happened to her, of course I would step in and support her DD both financially and more importantly emotionally (only child), her age in this is irrelevant as I unfortunately know plenty of people who have not lived to old age.

I had my DC in my 20s, my siblings in law and plenty of cousins had them into their 40s, we are all about the same age (Late 40s-50s), the youngest is 1 the oldest 26. Each DC has named guardians, its normal.

I doubt I would be asked if they had siblings. They’d probably assume they would spend it together if they didn’t have anyone else. No, I don’t want to centre mine and my kids Christmas plans around another relative every year - we want to go skiing, etc

So why can't you? The only reason you're even thinking about it is because of guilt tripping from people who will be dead. Their being dead is literally what will cause the situation.

Have the kids been telling you how much time they want to spend with you when their parents kick the bucket?

What exactly has any of that to do with them having only children?

Really shocked by your attitude op. I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself before criticising others. Is it really such a hardship for you to invite a bereaved relative for Christmas or check on them now and again? You sound utterly selfish.

Have multiple children. Because the most important thing about having relatives is to make sure you won't be asked to spend time with other relatives.

But it isn’t that is it? I’ve said I would be happy with that level of contact.

They wouldn’t be as worried if their kids had siblings. They’ve even told me this!

Utter nonsense. I had elderly parents. It was the best. They had more money, more time, , more patience. Yes they died earlier than my friends parents.
They were experienced at life and business so much more relaxed

This isn’t about old parents per se, it’s about my situation.

Had my relatives not emotionally dumped this all on me, I wouldn’t be starting a thread to say ‘aren’t my relatives awful for having kids in their 40s’ because I wouldn’t see any of it as my business at all.

You’ve posted a lot Rene, do you mind if I ask your circumstances?

Then don’t. If they have officially asked you to be guardians if the worst happens when they’re under 18, you need to tell them no.

If they’re making plans for their future 20 year old child who may be left with no family, (which is a weird thing to do), just deal with that in the unlikely scenario it happens. It’s unlikely because they may well still be alive and that 22 year old most likely won’t want to spend their time with you. They’ll have a whole life by that time that you don’t play much of a part in.

But overall your ideas are odd. You think you have everything planned out and you will never need anything from anyone. Your children’s dad could die when they’re young. Let’s hope not, but it happens. Then what? You have talked on previous threads about a condition you have that is triggered by stress. I’ve seen that condition really take hold of people. You may find yourself needing help to parent your children then. How would you feel if someone said you should have thought about that before you had children? And there are unfortunately links to that condition being linked to genetics.

@Wouldloveanother

You've contradicted yourself again

Your very first post you said this -

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household

Then you just said this regarding your health condition

• It doesn’t really affect my ability to parent. I don’t have mobility issues or the like.

So, if your health condition is not an problem when it comes to parenting, why even mention it in your post?!