To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

Absolutely spot on! 👍

Interesting.

I don't agree with op whatsoever here (sorry but you're massively hypocritical), but I think it's exactly the same when older parents bash teens/young parents.

Resentment about not deserving to have a child (I waited, was sensible, had a house, TTCed so much) rather than feeling tied down. So, I agree with you, but wanted to point out plenty of other parents are like this too.

The odds of my kids developing my condition is under 1% and the same as the general population. I really wish people would stop posting about my condition because you all have no clue!

I don’t think I have everything planned out, but I have tried to think ahead to make my life and my children’s lives as straightforward as possible. I’ve got life insurance, a good pension, a very solid career etc.

I don’t think you can compare unforeseeable and very unlikely scenarios that could affect anybody, to this scenario. Chances and probability matter.

OP I usually lurk but YAB so U, offensive and awful I don’t know where to start.

Your sibling / their spouse is still alive and all of this is hypothetical. It’s likely that by the time they die, your neices and nephews will be adults, independent and able to travel to you (if they want to). Or of course, your sibling / their spouse may outlive you…

As for your comments about ‘only children’.

My brother was 38 when he died a couple of years ago. I’m now an ‘only child’ and his only DC don’t have a father. I’m off to give my parents a bollocking for not anticipating this and stopping at 2 children.

And yes I am projecting, and I don’t care.

Live and let live OP and stop getting your knickers in a twist about hypothetical situations.

And lastly, it makes it worse, not better that you’re talking about relatives, not friends.

Wouldn’t you want to “be there for them” even if they hadn’t formally asked you? Like a decent human being would?

Yes. Read my OP. I’m happy with a normal level of contact - the odd phone call, visit a couple times a year, the odd Christmas. But to take on a parental level of contact? No.

Hopefully they will see this and decide against choosing you to look after their children if something was to happen to them. I certainly would, I would hate my children to be raised by someone so bigoted.

Yeah unfortunately I couldn't predict meeting my OH in his late 40's nor could I predict the 5 miscarriages. I'm late thirties my OH is now 55 I don't think we're selfish for wanting a Baby and aside me having PCOS neither of us have any health problems

Bigoted? 😂 I’m sorry but that’s laughable!

I know a lot about the condition you have posted about on a previous thread. I know how bad it can get. No idea if this is the condition you are talking about having on this thread. Maybe you have 2 separate conditions?

Insurance, pensions and career do not give your children actual people, if they need them.

Thd only real difference is that you haven’t asked a family member if they would help if your children needed it, whereas your relatives have.

Just say no as it really doesn't matter how old they (the older parents of teenagers) are nor how old you are.

Nearly all parents start to fret a bit about their dc once they hit about 55 as their own mortality becomes more evident. No matter how old their dc are. It's a natural concern and rather than hoisting your young judgy pants up, just say No and it's too much responsibility for you.

And yes I am projecting, and I don’t care.

No you're not. Taking offence when someone is offensive about people like you isn't projecting.

Projecting is being angry with your family but instead taking aim at older parents, single parents, parents of only children, lesbian parents by donor and so on.

OP, you are surely aware that something could go wrong with your pregnancy leaving you with an only child and unable to concieve further children. Hopefully this won't be the case, but it really is not impossible, or something could go wrong in your family soon after.

If you don't want to be named in your friends Will as legal guardian to their child, that is fine, and you don not need to even be able to given a reason, simple that you don't feel you are the right person to do it.

But please stop with the judgement of older parents and parents of only children, many of whom will be a much better financial position to support their small families, with their wages from their established careers, through the tough year ahead, compared to younger and larger families.

Glad you find it funny judging people because they have chosen to have a baby at a certain point in their life, that doesn’t meet with your personal code.

OP, you've been fairly open about your very much less than perfect life on other threads.
A word to the wise, if you want us to think your cozy family unit is paradise itself, then maybe namechange for the offensive goady fuckery.
And you're not averse to a hefty spot of disablism yourself on other threads so do one about calling out people who are simply pointing out your hypocritical, foul trolling.

Not but they’ll pay for my care. My children will never be my carers; I’m very firm about that.

Feel free to PM me to discuss my various conditions, if you need further explanation.

I’m quite happy to discuss anything I’ve posted. What are you referring to?

Rene.

Not once have I criticised any of the demographics on your list.

seriously - please do point to the post where I have.

But who would look after your children if you were left as a lone parent and your condition spiralled due to the stress of losing your partner? The condition can be completely debilitating as I’m sure you know.

But the scenario you’ve made up is so unlikely it’s verging on fantasy. Whereas the likelihood of a 45 year old new parent ageing much faster than a 25 year old parent is overwhelmingly likely.

Comparing the two is a rubbish argument as they’re worlds apart in terms of chances and probability.

So why are you having children knowing you have a chronic health condition? The older parents may fair better than you.

Read my past posts for crying out loud. It’s getting so boring. And no they won’t fare better than me, they’re 30 years older and 2 of them have their own health conditions. Which I haven’t really brought up much because it seemed unfair.

I'm really confused about this.

OP, have I got this right? You're talking about people who are in their late 50s/ early 60s, with kids who are 17 and 15. Both of these kids will be adults in 3 years. By which time their parents will be early and mid 60s. So yes, statistically a bit more likely to be dead than you, but not that much more. They're not exactly ancient. So in terms of formal guardianship, the chances of you being needed is tiny. So essentially what they're asking is that you, as an adult relative who is younger, be a friend to them. And you're not happy about this? I don't get it.

And secondly, your mystery chronic health condition is severe enough to make your life a challenge, but mild enough to have zero impact on your ability to parent ever? And your children will never have to care for you, as you've put plans in place? But don't you think your incapacity may still have an impact on them, albeit emotional rather than financial/practical?

I think you're being unfair, and criticising others whilst you yourself aren't perfect either.

But the scenario you’ve made up is so unlikely it’s verging on fantasy.

What, young widowhood?

A 45 year old parent will only be 63 when their child reaches majority.
That's not old nowadays.