To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

I agree.

The OP has said that her condition is not life-limiting, just painful/debilitating. She seems to think because it's not going to kill her at a young age, then there's absolutely nothing else to consider.

OP, your chronic disability could get worse, leaving you unable to parent not just one, but two young children. If something should happen to your DH, you'd have to rely on other people to do your parenting for you. You could pass your condition onto your DC. Your DC could end up as your carers if your chronic condition gets worse. Your chronic pain could end up affecting your mental health, making it difficult for you to parent. And so on.

See? We can all be a bit nasty about others decisions if we want to....

There are lots of reasons why someone could point the finger at a parent with a chronic disability and call them selfish. Those hypotheticals are just as likely as the ones you've been so judgemental about in your posts.

If you're going to criticise and judge people for not planning ahead, then maybe you need to take a look in the mirror too.

Could you just explain to them that you would always be there for their children, but not able to take them on as dependants if it came to it? That might be a better option, then they know you can't take an adoptive parent role if needs be, but taljay they'll always have you to visit, talk to, etc.

I’m 51. My DH is 55. We have teenagers. Both of us are active and in good health… but my mum died at 55. Hopefully I won’t go the same way. If I/we kick the bucket childless SIL (61) is the guardian.

if I’d had kids in my 20s, it would have been a disaster. I was dealing with career and a dying mother.

I didn't meet my DH until he was 41...... not much I could do about that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Should we not have had a child?

Look this isn't an age thing, it's your relative emotionally dumping on you and guilt tripping you. If the stuff is being texted at you, then short answers. Say 'oh we can chat about that next time we meet up'. When it comes to Christmases etc do what suits you. Arrange to meet half way for lunch or something.
Don't take this crap upon yourself.

Ok let me address this. Because there’s a lot of wrong assumptions there.

1. it is very highly unlikely they will get it. About the same risk as a member of the population spontaneously developing it.
2. they will never need to care for me. I’ve made my own arrangements for this - thanks to reading the stately home thread on MN!
3. It doesn’t really affect my ability to parent. I don’t have mobility issues or the like.

The accusations of ageism are interesting given every other post is ableist… not to mention inaccurate…

What am I projecting?

You're the one with a family of twats who posed the question, and I quote: "AIBU to wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?" Then you went on to complain about single parents and only children. When the problem is actually your family.

Do you know what "projection" means?

Everyone, whatever their age, should appoint guardians for their DC in case the worst happens. And if course it's only sensible to ask and find out if the people concerned are willing to take on the role.

It means those 'friends' are being more sensible that others who haven't done this. It doesn't mean that the person is about to pop their clogs, it just means they're prudent. That's a good thing

But do they ask those guardians to do all of the things I’m expected to do, ‘just in case’? If it was a casual chat ‘Hey wouldlove, we need to put someone as next of kin on this form, would you be happy with this?’ then I probably wouldn’t have thought about it again after that. It’s the endless pressure and the feeling of them ‘dumping’ their worries on me. Worries that were avoidable.

Yup. I had my DS at 20. I've been free from kids for years and love my life. I'm busy saving for retirement in a few years. Both siblings had their kids in their late 40s and there is only me to care for them if anything happens to them. I dont want to, I'd have to but it would be a bloody nightmare.

This is one of those interesting threads where the comments are brutal but the votes are pretty even.

To put it bluntly, it's none of your business. If you don't want to be a guardian, say no. But don't be so judgemental.

No-one has a crystal ball but people have babies very early, very late, when they are unemployed, when they don't have enough space, when they already have six kids. You could say they are all wrong but that's none of your business either.

You were 14 when this couple had their child. How can you be so sure you know all their story. Maybe they just never told you everything. I would not be sharing all my issues with a 14 year old somewhat distant relative (I say somewhat distant, because you make it sound like at most they are a cousin or something). Also I'm curious why are these two separate relatives asking YOU for help. Are there no other family? Why not ask your sister that you mentioned.

Unpleasant, judgemental and smug ..All the ingredients for a good old bun fight on MN. Pregnant, çhronic health condition and a small child I do not know where you find the time to post this nonsense. Yes I am an older mother, yes you did mean to cause offence - very glad so many people have called you out.

You are sliding in more things (like the travel). You clearly do not like the fact that many people have taken exception to your nasty post and have pointed out why they think YABU. Why post if you are not happy to take the responses?

@Wouldloveanother are they leaving you part of the life insurance? They ABU for expecting someone to take full prenatal responsibility without some compensation. I've left some money to the guardian if we die for exactly this reason.

I think my annoyance stems from the fact they left parenthood late simply to enjoy themselves, and now expect me to pick up any potential consequences of that.

Your problem OP, is that you are making it your problem. It's not.

You didn't make any reciprocal arrangements with them, you are not obligated to do anything. Just tell them very clearly that's not a role you can take on, and they need to look elsewhere.

I presume you are worrying you will be perceived as being selfish and that's why you are projecting it onto them. This is nonsense. Apart from the fact no one is obligated to take on other people's kids, you have two kids and a health condition, so it's pretty clear why you can't and won't.

Stop fretting about nothing. The kids are in their late teens. If you feel able you'll be inviting them for Christmas as young adults, not changing their nappies and worrying about them being out on a school night.

As PPs have pointed out, it is unreasonable to make generalisations out of your specific situation. It's also surprising you've done this since you have a chronic condition that causes you pain. There are a few people around who would question whether you should have kids when inevitably some aspects of your parenting would be limited by this. Of course it's none of their business, as your relative's choices are none of your business.

As we don't know what your condition is, there's no way to see if your assertions are true. I find it very hard to believe that if you actually have a chronic disability it won't ever affect your ability to parent.

I accept not all conditions are passed on. But there are many disabling conditions which turn out to have a genetic component which wasn't known before.

I'm not referring about caring for you in old age. I'm referencing your disability/pain getting worse and your children becoming carers for you while they're young. It happens to tens of thousands of children all around the country - it's not an unusual consequence of having a disabled parent.

The only thing your friends are be unreasonable about is their utterly appalling ability to judge your character and suitability as a guardian for their child.

I think I might start a thread to see if people think it is unreasonable for parents to knowingly bring a child into the world whilst suffering from a chronic health condition and thus setting their children up for a future as young carers.

I agree it feels rather presumptuous of your relatives to seem to want to have their cake and eat it... I hope that they have financial plans in place in case the worst happens eg life assurance, will etc. Until my son was 20 I had a will in place for a friend whose background and ethos would have suited my son as his guardian if I died, with monthly payments from the life assurance money to make sure she would be happy to do it, and do it properly. My house would have been rented out until son finished uni. I am sorry you are living with health issues - other posters should not raise that... It is your choice to have a family that you can manage, it is a bit of an imposition that relatives assume that there is any slack for you to be their standby choice after a life of freedom themselves. Hopefully they are financially savvy and your life would not be compromised should the worst happen to your relatives.

Not that I’m aware. It was never mentioned anyway.

“Totally prepared to be told IABU…”

OP told resoundingly they’re unreasonable

*OP keeps on posting about how they’re not unreasonable *

in fairness OP, I think you’d be amazing as a family member to these kids if the worst should happen. You’ve just got a natural warmth x

Dig dig dig, keep digging OP, you've now insulted parents of only children as well as older parents.

Why would they be my carers? I have made financial provision for my own general elderly care, but I won’t need it because of my condition, it’s not ‘that’ kind of illness.

No I’m fine with all the comments. Votes are pretty even so who knows if I will end BU or not! But most of the comments are either attacking my health condition (with zero knowledge of it) or personal insults. Nobody has actually persuaded me that I’m wrong yet.