To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

This is one of the most offensive, judgemental and also hypocritical posts I've ever read on here.

The fact you can't see that is astounding.

I think you would be doing those children a favour by not caring for them. There has to be more balanced options.

It's only marginally more risky nowadays. A current chronic health condition is surely more of a barrier to effective, trouble free parenting, yet the OP is doing it.

YABU and very judgmental - I’m sure if you share your thought with the family members concerned they will be happy to relieve you of any possible responsibility for the DC.

In addition to the offensive, judgemental and hypocritical nature it's also hypothetical.

Don't waste your limited energy on made up scenarios OP.

Completely agree, it's getting worse and worse. I also think it's ageism suggesting women of this age shouldn't be able to have children 🤦🏼‍♀️

You really do sound unbelievably smug OP. Best laid plans and all that.

Accidents, illnesses, relationship issues, break ups, job losses, even pandemics can completely change anyone’s life overnight. It’s a long way down for people like you.

I feel like the question you are asking may have some merit if you were asking it 15 odd years ago at the point that your relatives were having their babies at 40 while not knowing what their future holds. But it's 15 years on and the worst hasn't happened. And I don't think it's a huge ask to show a bit of compassion and practical support to what is effectively likely to be an adult relative. Heaven forbid you have an extra person for Christmas dinner.

If I was a family member of all of you, as at today (so at the point of actual relevance), and I had the choice between being a guardian of a nearly-adult (with only one parent in their 60s) or the guardian of two small children (with two parents who are young), I would go for the nearly-adult without hesitation.

The likelihood of needing to be a guardian in the first scenario is much higher. But although the likelihood of the second scenario is much lower it would be a huge undertaking. If I was your relatives I'd actually be more concerned about what would happen to your kids to be honest...Worrying about how I'd cope with 2 extra kids in my 60s!

What if your children inherit your chronic health condition? There are no guarantees in life. I don't think yoi are being very charitable about your friends.

I'm an auntie to six (and a mum to two) I couldn't care less when my siblings had their kids, if they ever need me and ever feel on their own I'm here because I love them and they are family. I think you have a very selfish and judgemental outlook.

I also find it bizarre that some people think people with no siblings will be all alone in the world when their parents die. They're likely to have friends, a partner and children of their own. Or do the people who think this have no friends outside their families?

OP my child is my only blood relative. If I hadn't had her, god only knows who would have been around in my old age. You can argue the burden point both ways.

Yanbu on the basis of regardless of age asking someone to be their child’s only family is a lot. The rest of the information is really irrelevant either your willing to take on/in relative children/teenagers or you are not.

I personally am not because I now I would be a terrible step mum/froster mum/stand in mum etc because frankly I don’t like other peoples children more tolerate them. I don’t even text my own brother happy Christmas. I mean I give a card to my mum for him and him the same for me infact he even hates cards so mum forces him to write them. His child free care free and living his live I’d never force him to be a fun uncle or really even uncle that isn’t him to my children.

You clearly have not satisfactorily addressed it. Nobody is buying your explanation.

What is there ‘not to buy’?

I never said that. I know plenty of people in their 40s who have had children, however I don’t think they sent blackmaily messages to their nieces and nephews.

That you are being anything other than small minded, judgemental hypocritical and utterly selfish.

What exactly do you mean by a "blackmaily" messages?

Hypocritical? I’m not a 60 something parent of a solitary teen; so how can I be?

I wish people would look to the future before having children when they have a chronic health condition then going on mn to complain about older parents.

Then why are you here attacking single parents, parents of only children, parents over the age of <<insert number here>> rather than addressing the real issue: that your family is full of twats?

Asking me to give more than I practically can (regular 4 hour round journeys to see them when I work FT and have a toddler); that I should make every Christmas and birthday available to them (travelling to them again, of course); that I should basically be available whenever they need me to be, or my cousins want me to be. Like my only position in the family is one of ‘future surrogate parent’ for their kids.

I’m not. I never said ‘all older parents’ or ‘all single children’. Lot of projection going on here.

Why?

OP the age of the parents isn't the issue here. The issue is your awful attitude.

It’s very highly unlikely. I checked this before having her. They’re not my friends they’re my relatives.