Page 19 | To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

Wouldloveanother · 2022-09-02T15:46:14+00:00

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation. I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before. Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them. To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future. I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’. AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:00

You're saying, in essence, that people shouldn't have had babies because things aren't set up perfectly.

I. Never. Said. That.

FFS

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Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:01

heyheymamaway · 02/09/2022 23:59

I hear you. That must be rubbish.

However the title of your post is really hurtful.

Yes it was poorly worded. Which I even acknowledged in my OP 😬

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Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:04

DanielTheGhostGangbanger · 02/09/2022 23:59

When you're pregnant, you're not disabled. On other threads you are very clearly discussing ongoing and problematic issues. I'm not going to list them all here. You know what you said and how you meant it - and it's not how you're suggesting here.

You're being deeply disingenuous on this thread. Every other comment there's a different take on it from you, designed to suit whatever point you are trying to make. You made a point of saying in your OP about your "chronic health condition" - that's really not the same as a controlled minor issue that's just flared up with pregnancy. Do come on now, don't treat posters as if we're stupid!

Personally, I couldn't give less of a shit that you have an ongoing health condition. It doesn't stop you being a good parent. But it makes you a hypocrite for the criticism you're levelling at others. That's the point that people are trying to make.

You're saying, in essence, that people shouldn't have had babies because things aren't set up perfectly. By pointing to your health condition/disability - whatever you want to call it - people are pointing out that YOU aren't set up perfectly for parenthood either.

No one is actually saying you're not fit. What they're saying is that many people, for many different reasons, aren't set up perfectly for parenthood. We all just do our best and try to plan as much as we can. That's the point. Whether you're young, old, disabled or perfectly healthy, we all do the best we can. And being judgey is nasty.

I'm sure you do a grand job. I'm not actually trying to be an arse about your health. It's about trying to make the point that you've been really judgemental, and you can't seem to see you're in a very similar situation re not being perfect, from the people you're slating.

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Well given I’ve been told I can’t be a normal mum, I shouldn’t have any more kids, I’m going to give
my health problems to my children and that’s it’s karma for being a shitty person. You’ve done a great job of raking over it to make an example against a point I never made.

I have not said a single thing about older parents, only this specific scenario and how I have been treated. The title was poorly worded but I tried to clarify this in my OP.

I’m fairly thick skinned but even I can see some of the posts on here are total venom, and what’s worse, attacking me for things I haven’t said because they made their mind up when they saw the title!

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DanielTheGhostGangbanger · 03/09/2022 00:05

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:00

You're saying, in essence, that people shouldn't have had babies because things aren't set up perfectly.

I. Never. Said. That.

FFS

But that is exactly what you're saying, and that's why so many people are pissed off with you.

Maybe go back and re-read your comments, and you'll see why so many people are reading it like this.

Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:07

DanielTheGhostGangbanger · 03/09/2022 00:05

But that is exactly what you're saying, and that's why so many people are pissed off with you.

Maybe go back and re-read your comments, and you'll see why so many people are reading it like this.

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Point to one comment I have made which would reasonably equate to what you’re accusing me of. Just one.

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Beyondshit · 03/09/2022 00:07

Years of wanting to be a parent. Two rounds of IVF. Two embryo transfers. Found out this morning the second didn't work.

Nothing left. Mainly spent today crying.

But I am terribly old - 39.

Thank goodness - no kids for me in my 50s!!

I might not have been awfully judgmental but I would have been OLD.

UndertheCedartree · 03/09/2022 00:09

Beyondshit · 03/09/2022 00:07

Years of wanting to be a parent. Two rounds of IVF. Two embryo transfers. Found out this morning the second didn't work.

Nothing left. Mainly spent today crying.

But I am terribly old - 39.

Thank goodness - no kids for me in my 50s!!

I might not have been awfully judgmental but I would have been OLD.

I'm so sorry, that sounds really tough 💐

Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:10

Beyondshit · 03/09/2022 00:07

Years of wanting to be a parent. Two rounds of IVF. Two embryo transfers. Found out this morning the second didn't work.

Nothing left. Mainly spent today crying.

But I am terribly old - 39.

Thank goodness - no kids for me in my 50s!!

I might not have been awfully judgmental but I would have been OLD.

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. But this isn’t me saying ‘older people shouldn’t be parents AIBU’ (although you would think it from the responses!) it’s asking whether this specific treatment of me by 2 relatives is fair.

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DanielTheGhostGangbanger · 03/09/2022 00:10

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:04

Well given I’ve been told I can’t be a normal mum, I shouldn’t have any more kids, I’m going to give
my health problems to my children and that’s it’s karma for being a shitty person. You’ve done a great job of raking over it to make an example against a point I never made.

I have not said a single thing about older parents, only this specific scenario and how I have been treated. The title was poorly worded but I tried to clarify this in my OP.

I’m fairly thick skinned but even I can see some of the posts on here are total venom, and what’s worse, attacking me for things I haven’t said because they made their mind up when they saw the title!

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All people have done is use your OWN principles to your situation, to try and make the point that you're being grossly unfair.

No one actually gives a shit that you're not 100% healthy.

The trouble is, you've been less than honest about your health on this thread compared to what you've said elsewhere, have contradicted yourself - and that's making things even worse.

It's uncomfortable for you, and I get that. But that's what happens when you make a post that pokes at older parents, single mums and lesbians.

Maybe it's all just clumsy wording, I'm absolutely willing to believe that. But the impression you're giving to a lot of people is that you're judging others who aren't perfectly set up for a life of parenthood.

We can't be all wrong in how we're interpreting your words.

And you did say in your OP, that you were "Totally prepared to be told IABU" - that's not exactly true 😅😅

I'm away to go and east some chocolate OP. I may or may not be back depending on what I can find to eat. Believe it or not there's no malice intended in any of my comments, but you've not come across especially well here.

Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:13

@DanielTheGhostGangbanger i think the MN demographic is slightly older mums, and therefore it’s hit a nerve which I didn’t intend.

As for my health issues - no, I’ve never been dishonest. Are they hard work? Yes. Do I work to keep on top of them? Yes. Do I have bad days? Yes. Do they affect my parenting? No, because I work hard to manage them. I think given the point I was making was never about older parents being unfit, it’s surprising to see the mask slip and posters happy to be just as nasty as my ‘perceived point’ back in order to hit back at me.

enjoy the 🍫

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MissingNashville · 03/09/2022 00:13

This thread has got weird.

OP, I do think you explained yourself badly to start.

You don’t need to feel responsible for others but good family and friends are worth the effort. Only you know if that applies to your family, I’m thinking probably not. But you won’t cut them off so it’ll continue until their kids are settled.

OCD can be awful, some of what you have said on other threads is concerning, please don’t be naive to think it will always be under control. Bad things sometimes happen and can trigger it.

You’re pregnant and I really don’t think you need the stress of how this thread is going, a bit of discussion is fine, people telling you that karma has got anything to do with your illness is not.

MistyBean · 03/09/2022 00:15

OP you have nothing to worry about.... If I were those kids I wouldn't want to rely on a family member who clearly didn't want me around. I don't know why you assume these kids will need you tbh, they are already mid teens and will create their own support networks if the worst happens. Their parents are only early 60s, unless poor health no reason to think they won't be around until the children reach adulthood.

Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:16

MissingNashville · 03/09/2022 00:13

This thread has got weird.

OP, I do think you explained yourself badly to start.

You don’t need to feel responsible for others but good family and friends are worth the effort. Only you know if that applies to your family, I’m thinking probably not. But you won’t cut them off so it’ll continue until their kids are settled.

OCD can be awful, some of what you have said on other threads is concerning, please don’t be naive to think it will always be under control. Bad things sometimes happen and can trigger it.

You’re pregnant and I really don’t think you need the stress of how this thread is going, a bit of discussion is fine, people telling you that karma has got anything to do with your illness is not.

I’m actually a very robust person with a thick skin, this thread hasn’t bothered me (apart from maybe the karma bit wtf?). I’ve always had OCD looking back, but it’s very well controlled now and I’m happy to talk about it to break the stigma and help others. I mean there clearly is a stigma given according to this thread it makes me an unfit parent 🤷🏼‍♀️ Its just frustrating how I wanted views on one particular issue and it’s blown up into a discussion about something I never said, with an awful lot of obsessing over my health 🙄

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margegunderson · 03/09/2022 00:19

My SIL and her DH asked my DH and I to be legal guardians to her sons if they died. They had their children in their 20s but were being careful. As I was in my early 30s at the time and hadn't got my own kids yet (I went late like the people you're moaning about) I wasn't hugely keen but agreed because I'm not an arse and who could think of not helping orphaned children?Who are you leaving yours to? Or aren't you planning ahead?
Those parents are still alive and kicking and the kids are in their 40s now btw. It's an insurance policy you're being asked to help with- not a certainty.

Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:21

@margegunderson i have a reciprocal agreement with my sisters, we will take each other’s kids should anything happen to us.

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YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 03/09/2022 00:23

I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household.

@Wouldloveanother then how could you take in your sisters two children? But helping one grown cousin by visiting them at Christmas and birthdays is impossible.

Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:25

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 03/09/2022 00:23

I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household.

@Wouldloveanother then how could you take in your sisters two children? But helping one grown cousin by visiting them at Christmas and birthdays is impossible.

Something would have to give, I would likely quit my job. But we’ve got insurance in place to cover these costs.

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LicoricePizza · 03/09/2022 00:34

You’re getting a lot of flack but I can understand your frustration at their apparent sudden & late realisation of their predicament being older parents.

Obviously nobody knows how long they will be around for their kids - younger or older - parents wise, but I would be annoyed too if they are expecting you to step in & be a legal guardian, when it was not something agreed as a godparent/legal guardian when they were younger.

I can see how/why you feel it’s almost irresponsible of them.
That being said anyone can get a health issue at any time which may curtail their life expectancy. But in that scenario I would expect that person to approach me with their request & a sense of mutual understanding about my situation & the limits of it, that I would not be obliged & have a choice in the matter either way.

Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:37

Thank you Licorice.

I have no doubt that if posters on this thread saw how I’ve been treated and spoken to about this over the years, they would say I’m not being unreasonable.

There was never any discussion - it was just, ‘You’re the closest thing she has to a sibling, so act like one’.

As I said before I have quite a few other relatives who became parents in their 40s and I hadn’t even really thought about that until now, because they just get on with parenting without this melodrama and demands of sacrifice.

It’s also upset my cousin as they have been openly making statements like ‘You’ll be her only family if we die’ for years. And I’m guessing at 17, 60+ year olds seem very old!

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londonlass71 · 03/09/2022 00:39

OP it is none of your business when anyone closes to have kids. Some people are young and have thoughts about if something happens and who will take over etc. What about people who have kids younger but then get terminally ill? You yourself have a chronic illness and are having another. You're a hypocrite OP. Who will be taking on your kids if something happens?
If people ask you to be a guardian then you should be flattered they consider you. I'm pretty sure if they read this they would be regretting asking you. You can always decline as you have done.

Boomboom22 · 03/09/2022 00:39

Yanbu op and sorry the reading comprehension of the majority responding is so low. Obviously they are not reasonable and thus has been happening since the kids were small and you were also a child. Perhaps your anxiety disorder is rooted in family dynamics! You are not and should not be responsible for your teenage cousins and their parents certainly shouldn't be teaching them that you are. Or your grandparents who don't sound nice at all.

Surgarblossom · 03/09/2022 00:40

PAFMO · 02/09/2022 16:50

You are being fucking offensive and hypocritical to boot. You have a chronic health issue you say and yet are pregnant with DC2.
Maybe you should think about glass houses and stones before opening your trap.

Couldn't have put it better myself!

Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:41

londonlass71 · 03/09/2022 00:39

OP it is none of your business when anyone closes to have kids. Some people are young and have thoughts about if something happens and who will take over etc. What about people who have kids younger but then get terminally ill? You yourself have a chronic illness and are having another. You're a hypocrite OP. Who will be taking on your kids if something happens?
If people ask you to be a guardian then you should be flattered they consider you. I'm pretty sure if they read this they would be regretting asking you. You can always decline as you have done.

Well no because I’m not bombarding anyone with
messages insisting they forge more of a relationship with my kid in case I pop my clogs, am I?

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Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:41

Boomboom22 · 03/09/2022 00:39

Yanbu op and sorry the reading comprehension of the majority responding is so low. Obviously they are not reasonable and thus has been happening since the kids were small and you were also a child. Perhaps your anxiety disorder is rooted in family dynamics! You are not and should not be responsible for your teenage cousins and their parents certainly shouldn't be teaching them that you are. Or your grandparents who don't sound nice at all.

Thank you! I feel like the meaning of the thread is slowly trickling out.. on page 20 or something 😳

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Original poster

Wouldloveanother · 03/09/2022 00:42

And yes I do think a lot of my mental health issues are rooted in the way my family has treated me, but that’s another thread I suppose..!

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