To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

In fairness @HappyChloé2 , your description of the OP misrepresenting her health on this thread isn't wrong.

About 4 days ago, she wrote "I’m disabled, I’m on several medications and wouldn’t survive for long without them. I’m in some form of pain most days, my sleep is disturbed, there’s a lot of things I can’t do or that require an inordinate amount of ‘forward planning’"

Yet on this post she's telling us that her problems are historic, easily managed and she is absolutely fine.

As I said earlier, there's a lot of half-truths being told here and things being said purely to try and "win" points on this thread.

Thanks @FurElsie . The title was badly worded and attracted a lot of posters who have taken personal offence at something I didn’t actually intend, I feel.

As does serious depression and chronic health conditions (that severely limit your ability to do anything for anyone else but magically have no effect at all on your ability to look after your own children.)

Sorry @HappyChloé2 - didn't tag properly for some reason!

Not at all. The pregnancy sickness has made it a lot worse recently, yes, but hoping that will clear up soon. The rest is true. But it doesn’t affect my ability to parent. Nor is my thread about judging people’s fitness as parents, so you’re actually being quite nasty while thinking you’re hitting back. When you’re not.

Yes, she has one of those strange conditions that are severe, life- limiting, and debilitating yet at the same time completely minor and easily managed.

The OP is utterly full of it

I wish you the very best with your family. However I didn't have the chance to get pregnant in my early 20s. I didn't meet my current partner until I was 35.

I know this wasn't your point but women can't always "just" have kids earlier.

Happy Chloe just said disability is karma for being a bad person so yeah jump on her bandwagon if you want!

It was their choice when to have kids. I have several other family members who became parents in their 40s and I hadn’t given it any thought until now, because they haven’t been pressuring me to be a surrogate sibling etc. This has nothing to do with age and all to do with how these specific family members have treated me.

OP it's not ok that you're being asked to forge a relationship in case your aunt dies.

It's also not ok that you wouldn't want to support them if their mum died young.

Each to their own and all that, but you do come off cold, uncaring and flippant. I think you're doing that on purpose though, to really prove your point.

You blatantly know that not everyone can have kids in their 20's. As someone who is in their late 30s and having fertility issues, I could so easily call you ageist - as easily as you are calling people ableist. All the ism's in the world don't stop you from coming across quite badly here.

No, I didn’t. I’ve politely corrected you once, yet you continue to post the same lie.

You said:

Do you believe in Karma, may I ask, the idea that disability is compensation for a deficit in morals?

what else could that mean, Chloe?

If your aunties had children in their mid 40s then they must be adults, or very nearly, like my dc3, who I had in my mid 40s and is now 18. If your aunties can just hang on a few more years, I don’t think anyone would expect you to take on any parental duties for your cousins in the event of their parents’ demise. Or any duties, other than keeping in touch on the basis of them being, you know, family.

I don't share those views re karma and disability. But there are a number of religions that do share those views, it's fairly common. Glenn Hoddle was in the news years ago talking about how Christianity considers disability to be this. I'm not going to disagree with other things that @HappyChloé2 says which I consider to be correct, just because I disagree on that viewpoint.

My mum has cerebral palsy, and I'm autistic. Both of us would be considered to be disabled in different ways. I'm not offended by the viewpoint that certain religions have, even if I don't share it myself.

Incidentally, your views regarding disability and children are fairly unpleasant, so you can jump off that high horse you think you're on.

HappyChloé2 You did say Because the issue that you are complaining about applies to you too.
Do you believe in Karma, may I ask, the idea that disability is compensation for a deficit in morals?

I don't believe in "karma" or "the idea that disability is compensation for a deficit in morals."
Is that what you believe?

Some weak excuses right there!

They are looking to the future. They're trying to ensure that someone is available to cover if they pass away. That's responsible, whatever the age. If you don't want to, you say no.

Twenty year olds die in car crashes, and go under buses. Thirty year olds die of breast cancer, or suicide. I'm just turned forty and recovering from a brush with cancer. People still die in childbirth. What age do you find acceptable to risk brushing with death?

It means what it said, I asked if you believed in it. I certainly don’t, although I must admit that some people are so unpleasant that I can see why others do,

the kids are now teenagers

So not huge burden
In fact they may even be helping you with bsby sitting duties soon anyway if you play your cards right
Sounds like you mighg need them for help?

No, I don’t. Hence why Mugabe lived to 95.

I doubt they could, they live hours away. I wouldn’t expect that anyway they’re too young to babysit and my kid is quite little and feral.

No, I’m not religious, but given how deeply unpleasant and dishonest the OP was. And the bizarre Schrodinger’s disabilities that she struggles with / has no issue with at all I was interested to hear her view on it.

Unsurprisingly she used it as a jumping-off point for another personal attack.

@HappyChloé2 if you think what I said is ‘appalling’ then you’ve lived an incredibly sheltered life. Which I suggest you now go back to as you’re detailing the thread with your obsessing over my health and bizarre posts about Buddhist doctrine and ‘the handicapped’.

When you're pregnant, you're not disabled. On other threads you are very clearly discussing ongoing and problematic issues. I'm not going to list them all here. You know what you said and how you meant it - and it's not how you're suggesting here.

You're being deeply disingenuous on this thread. Every other comment there's a different take on it from you, designed to suit whatever point you are trying to make. You made a point of saying in your OP about your "chronic health condition" - that's really not the same as a controlled minor issue that's just flared up with pregnancy. Do come on now, don't treat posters as if we're stupid!

Personally, I couldn't give less of a shit that you have an ongoing health condition. It doesn't stop you being a good parent. But it makes you a hypocrite for the criticism you're levelling at others. That's the point that people are trying to make.

You're saying, in essence, that people shouldn't have had babies because things aren't set up perfectly. By pointing to your health condition/disability - whatever you want to call it - people are pointing out that YOU aren't set up perfectly for parenthood either.

No one is actually saying you're not fit. What they're saying is that many people, for many different reasons, aren't set up perfectly for parenthood. We all just do our best and try to plan as much as we can. That's the point. Whether you're young, old, disabled or perfectly healthy, we all do the best we can. And being judgey is nasty.

I'm sure you do a grand job. I'm not actually trying to be an arse about your health. It's about trying to make the point that you've been really judgemental, and you can't seem to see you're in a very similar situation re not being perfect, from the people you're slating.

I hear you. That must be rubbish.

However the title of your post is really hurtful.