To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

It’s not their choice. You’re an adult and get to pick and choose what you do. I haven’t defended them at all, in fact the first thing I said was ‘You’re not obligated to do anything for these people. You can say no.‘

I’ve pointed out how life can change quickly and you should make sure you have plans in place for your children should the worst happen. And I’ve explained how your condition can worsen.

You don’t like these people, cut them off, distance yourself or put up with demands your not happy with. I get rid of people I don’t like.

I'm curious, if your health issue has no effect at all why did you use that as one of the reason you cant find time for your cousins if their parents die. We would not have known you had a health issue if YOU had not used it as the reason you cant help.

Of course it’s no longer serious! It’s been treated, and I’m on a good low dose of antidepressant. It was one episode, several years ago. Given I post about it to help other mums struggling with the same thing, it’s very shitty of you to bring it up. But then I don’t expect much more from somebody who calls disabled people ‘the handicapped’ and says it’s karma for them being bad people 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you want your villain Mumsnetters it’s right there ⬆️

Because it’s something I put time into managing. I owe that to my kids more than anyone else’s. @HappyChloé2 above says being disabled is karma for being a shitty person, do you think it is?

I don’t think that anyone’s able to speculate on that. What do you think is behind it?

I don’t know the context that was said in. But, if it was OCD related, often people with OCD have those intrusive thoughts and if doesn’t mean they would actually harm anyone.

No, I didn’t say that, and you know that I didn’t. Why the dishonesty?

Christ. They lose their parents and you resent even having them over at Christmas now. I'm an introverted fairly selfish twat but what I'm reading from you.... You sound quite terrifying.

I’ve reported you Chloe for your vile views and will no longer be engaging with you. I expected a few heated replies, but yours are just venom.

Thanks Missing. Glad somebody understands and doesn’t believe disability is ‘karma’ for being a bad person 🙄

For what it's worth i don't think your own health is relevant here. Just your dishonesty to your family. If you don't think you can be a guardian to their children all you have to do is say so but offer to be there for emotional support. No one is obligated to take another child into their home. I have a sen child who will need life long caring, I am relatively young myself but these worries cross my mind all of the time. I would hate to think one of my family would start a thread like this about me.

I’m happy to have them over for the odd one, just not every year like a parent usually would. That’s all. I’m happy to have a normal level of cousin contact, I just don’t want to do more than that.

.....I can assure you that you can lose parents unexpectedly, even if they are relatively young. I did when just out of my teens. I did not need my wider family who never bothered with me, nor did my sibling help me. So don't fear OP, young people can be resilient and don't need disinterested family members.

I don't even want children, yet have fostered a close relationship with my partner's nieces. I'd open my door to them in a heartbeat.

OP seems pretty immature to me.

100% this. For me the chronic illness doesn’t come into it, no idea why if the post isn’t about that you’d even mention it. You just sound like a horrible, selfish person for begrudging a hypothetical orphan! Who in reality would only seek support and love. Your goady/defensive replies back up the opinion that you just aren’t a nice or decent human being.

Given how dishonest you have been in trying to scribe views to me that I don’t hold you’ll understand if I am not oing to out too high a value on the views of someone like you.

That was a post about how COVID has affected my life, not OCD. Did you actually read it?

🙄

Well I suggest you do. Now bugger off with your ‘disability is karma’ venom. Tatty bye.

48% of people say IANBU they just haven’t commented, probably because this thread has got so horrible!

It was appalling from your very first post. Your subsequent additions have hardly made it any better.

Sorry you're being roasted here. I agree with you and it seems the poll is pretty much 50:50 so take that on board more than comments on here. I don't know why people are being so angry towards your premise, I think it's legitimate to weigh up future risks if you have children later (because unforeseen tragedies happen to anyone of course but age statistically skews risk)

I actually don't disagree to an extent.

My parents had me late in life and then my dad died unexpectedly. No extended family at all. I have no idea what would have happened if my mum passed.

I have always been envious of big families and siblings etc. It's not nice to feel alone in the world. From that perspective I don't think it would be terrible if you did reach out to them at Christmas etc. You might be mad at their parents but they had no say in the situation.