To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

I couldn't agree more !
Are younger parents immune to ill health and death ?

🚨 THIS IS NOT A THREAD ABOUT THE FITNESS OF PEOPLE TO BE PARENTS 🚨

None of your business!!!

Whose?

It’s a relatively mainstream Buddhist view. Your posts are perhaps the most unpleasant that I’ve ever read on here, and you are now just attacking anyone that comments on it.

I hope that this is made-up.

You believe people being disabled is karma… and you call me unpleasant?

Of course it is. You have made it very clear that you are against older people having children, but think it fine for the handicapped to do so.

You surely can’t be upset at people pointing out how hypocritical this is. The forty year-old mother is very likely to be able to play out chasing their children around while you can’t do the same, yet you are complaining about them.

We have space for them to stay over. 🤷🏻‍♀️ But we all keep in touch in various family WhatsApp groups. You have to like them though. If you don’t, get rid.

Haven't read the full thread but this is just such a daft perspective from the OP. Every parent wants to have some kind contingency plan for if they were to pass prematurely regardless of their age or health. No one knows when they will die!

Well she can’t because she has back problems.

Whereas I have no mobility issues at all. Where on earth did you get that I can’t run around after my kid 😂

And ‘handicapped’? Is this the 18th century?

But do you expect the future guardians to spend inordinate amounts of time with them now? Just in case?

I’m assuming the people who have asked you to be guardian to their child. You don’t just ask anyone do you really? The kid is 17 years old what sort of a strain do you think that would be? Your telling me if their parents died and they became orphaned you wouldn’t have any problem not being a supporting/loving person? Your selfish and to be honest it’s probably lucky for the kid you’re not interested. Vile

You’re

It’s exactly what you are doing.

Seriously, don’t have any more children, it’s not fair on them.

Sorry but that wouldn’t cut the mustard with
my aunties. The ones you’ve been defending up until now…

I already have bonds with my family & friends children because I want to! And yes I do remember them & see them on birthdays & Christmas because I love them. It’s not a chore & I would definitely hope that they would feel the same way about my Son if I & my Husband were no longer able to be here for him.

Wouldloveanother

Didn't RTFT, because 15 pages of taking offence at your OP.
I understand why it would be annoying to have family members making you feel responsible for their children if they pass way, because they've now realised they have a 15 year old and they are 60. These type of comments, 'not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’. would make me feel under pressure too.

Easy for you to say on here I suppose. Would you now please give up every third weekend to forge bonds with your family and friend’s kids? Also make sure you never forget their birthdays or to see them at Christmas, and be available for them to text or call at any time. That all good?

Actually I would do most of that for nieces and nephews. Remembering them at Christmas and birthdays is not that big an ask. I am struggling the understand why you think that is a big deal. And I would take any of them if they lost both parents, because I would want to help in such a devastating situation.

Your cousin's are what 15 and 17/18 aren't they? Extremely unlikely that you'd ever have to take them on anyway. But if you really don't want to then say no. If the parents are having health problems it's not unreasonable for them to ask other people this, you may not be the only one. They probably assume you care about their kids, I think you need to set aside your judgement of when they had their children because this is about your cousins welfare really.
Your controlling grandparents sound like a problem, but I can't get my head around your attitude to be honest.

A health issue that doesn’t affect my lifespan nor does it affect my ability to parent 😂

Your posts are just insane aren’t they 😂

No they mean physically spending every Christmas and birthday with them.
not just presents/cards.

Cheers, thanks for seeing my point, rather than the 15 pages of bat shittery from people saying I’m too disabled to have kids and saying I’m attacking older parents the world over. Mumsnet eh 😂

Yeah there’s only one selfish person in your post OP and it’s you. What a horrible thing to put on here urgh. YABU

Why am I selfish?

No but your initial post starting the thread does not say that they are asking that, only that they keep in touch. They are teenagers now so being their guardian does not sound like it will be life changing for you. However that being said you sound unsympathetic and not somebody they would probably want to have their child depending on if they knew how you really felt. Let them know and all your worries may pass!

I had a child when in my 40s. Got married late 20s but at first didn't want children. A few years in, despite trying, no joy. It took a long time to get pregnant. It wasn't a choice.