To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child

Do you really think a woman who opts to have a child on her own, at 43yo with donor sperm has had a lifetime of unadulterated joy? Flamin' hell, let the woman have her happiness FFS.

Why am I a hypocrite? None of my family members have ever had to look after me, bar DH because I have bad pregnancy sickness right now!

But the difference is I’m not heaping pressure on relatives to forge closer bonds with my kids because of that health issue. Do you not understand what im actually complaining about?

I will never tell my elderly grandparents to fuck off no, or anyone else in my family for that matter. I did once argue back that my aunty had made the decision to become a parent in her mid 40s and therefore I didn’t feel it was up to me to be a surrogate sibling, but they showed her the message 🤯

I think now I’m detailing the actual behaviour, some of you are realising I’m not being so unreasonable after all…

They might wonder why you're having a 2nd child if you've got a chronic health issue.

I think it's important to build close relationships between families and then you have each other's back if anyone needs support. You can fall ill at any age.

If that did actually happen though are you really that cold that you wouldn’t be family to I presume someone very close to you?What an arse.

She did. There was nothing about her circumstances which meant she couldn’t do it sooner. Nothing changed, no drama. She just suddenly decided she did want a baby after all 🤷🏼‍♀️ her choice, but not for me to mitigate.

who is close to me? What are you even talking about?

It sounds as though your condition is going to limit your ability to be a “normal” mother, given your health and pain issues. If you think that a healthy person in their forties shouldn’t be having children then surely you also feel that you should not either.

This!
OP, What a very selfish person you sound. I sincerely hope that none of my family would think like you about my DS if me & Dh were to die. I would be there for any of my family or friends in the same circumstances without a second thought

I have said a thousand times this isn’t about me judging another person’s fitness to be a parent. It’s me complaining about the emotional blackmail and pressure I have suffered over the years because they decided I was their kid’s only shot at having a ‘sibling’ and ‘blood family after we’re gone’. For crying out loud, read my posts.

@HappyChloé2 and if you think having any medical conditions mean you can’t be a ‘normal
mother’ that’s extremely ableist and rude!

Easy for you to say on here I suppose. Would you now please give up every third weekend to forge bonds with your family and friend’s kids? Also make sure you never forget their birthdays or to see them at Christmas, and be available for them to text or call at any time. That all good?

But people in your family may take on your children one day if the worst happened. You’re just not going to ask them because you think it will not likely be needed, you know, because you’ve done things ‘better’ by having them younger and having 2. Again, best laid plans.

Are a 17 and 15 year really wanting contact with you every 3 weeks? Most teens dont want to hang out with someone in their 30s. Are these suppose to happen on the SAME every 3rd weekend? Perhaps you could introduce them to each other and they can become each others pseudo sibling.

So despite me making zero sweeping judgements about older mums and my complaint being limited to how I have been treated in this specific incidence, I have been told because I have a medical condition:

1. I shouldn’t have any more kids
2. I can’t be a ‘normal mother’ (ableist or what)
3. i will probably make my kids ill by passing it on to them
4. they will end up caring for me in later life
5. I’m a burden on my own family

Yet apparently I’m judgemental, bitter, spiteful… blah blah… because you’ve all completely missed the point of my post. Just one of them threads I guess!

This has been going on for years. Their parents, particularly the 17 year old’s, have told them since they were little that we’re their only other family etc. And scared them witless basically. I got a text from their mum a while ago saying their child worries about them dying and leaving her alone in the world, she’s depressed and crying because she feels like nobody loves her etc. It’s all very fucked up. I’m not making this up!!

I only have people in my life that I like. They mostly just text me to say they’re coming over. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We have a new one! People are disabled because it’s karma for their opinions 👏🏻

Nasty even for this thread!

Their kids text you? I’m sorry but sounds like you’re not putting in the effort with your potential future charges 😉

honestly I could scream. That isn’t the issue. The issue is the years of emotional blackmail and pressure to give more than I am able. READ THE THREAD, please!!!!! This is exhausting.

Considering your health condition I’d say you are exactly the same as them.

How can I be? I’m not pressuring them to take my kids, or spend a huge amount of time with them.

Lol. Then cut them off. But you won’t. And you won’t tell anyone to fuck off. So.......🤔