To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

2 of my closest friends died in 30's, abd fortues leaving young children.. we all never know

But you had children and have a chronic health condition. If you are arguing that everyone should be in good health for the foreseeable future in order to have children, doesn't that apply to you too?

I'm just trying to give you some advice about flouncing. I hate seeing predictable bodge jobs.

RTF for crying out loud!

That is absolutely NOT what this thread is about Gruffling, ffs. Even just read my last few posts. So bored of answering this.

😂

You’ve only just drip fed that story.

Honestly, I think you should put you’re device down and chill the fuck out. And enjoy your takeaway of course. And if they bother you this much, do what your siblings have done and cut them off. I don’t do drama. If anyone brings it, they’re gone. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s ridiculous. 😂

YABU. Asking, if you would take on their kids in case of death has nothing to do with age. Thinking about who will care for your children in case you should die, is the most normal thing on the planet. I find it strange that you seem to have not thought about that despite having a chronic health condition. If you feel, you can't do it, just say so and they will find someone else.

I do get what you are saying OP and I kinda agree. If you feel forced to have this 'cousin' relationship is sad. If it was naturally occurring great but it's not.
Maybe don't talk about it with them, don't agree to anything if the topic comes up just laugh it off and say something like 'we don't need to worry about that as you'll live to a hundred'
If god forbid anyone does die then deal with it then but you can state at that time your health can't deal with it and other options need to be found.
I do fear something might happen to me and my kids are on there own, but I would never pressure anyone in real life.
I just wrote some options in my will and they can sort what happens at the time.

Did I have to detail every single interaction I’ve had with them, or my siblings, in order not to ‘drip feed’?

And no, it’s my thread 😂 you’re the one endlessly posting on it!

Doesn't every parent have a plan for who would take care of their DC should something happen to them ?

We were late 30s when we had DS so yes, had a teenager when in our 50s - but I don't think most people have health problems in their 50s bad enough to think they are not going to be there as their children grow up - and if they do, things like cancer people can have in their 30s and 40s.

Maybe just start to create a bit of distance/boundaries between your 'ancestral' family and you, your DH and your dc. To relieve the pressure from them.

It's generally what most people do when their 'family' gets too much, stay polite and civil, even attend some family 'gatherings', whilst letting the crap wash over them.

Then at the end of the day, go home and close the door and say/think 'thank goodness that's over'.

The parents sound crazy for planning where their kids will spend Christmas as adults, when they themselves are dead. And you sound equally as mad making all this drama and thinking that 20 odd year olds will want to visit you constantly. They will have their own life and be very glad to be away from all their crazy, weirdo, controlling family.

OP if your family are being difficult and pressurising you to agree to take responsibilities that you don't feel able to take, then you have every right to be disgruntled about it. But instead you've decided that the fault lies not with your family's expectations, but with the concept of people having children in their 40s.

It was misguided and offensive.

The hardest bits will be behind you?! 😂 Yeah..no. Wait til they're teenagers!

My sister died in her 30s leaving a 5 year old daughter… it’s not just older parents who need to think about these things unfortunately!

Christ almighty I'm grateful my siblings and I actually enjoy each other's company and want to spend Christmas and birthdays with each other. It's not a burden if you actually like each other and value those family ties.

But not all families are like that. OP you sound like a judgemental dick here, but is the real issue that the family is a bit dysfunctional? Do you actually feel close to them? Is it worth feeling "blackmailed" or is time to just distance yourself?

Essentially it's nothing to do with "how dare people choose to have children in their 40s" and everything to do with "how do I draw boundaries with my overbearing family to protect my mental health." I suggest you check out the stately homes thread on the Relationships board.

So your sibling(s) cut off both sides of your family as kids/teens? You say you have been being pressured since 13 as you will be "all the family they will have", but you have at least 1 sister (and maybe more siblings). You still have not explained why YOU are the "chosen one" and apparently chosen at the tender age of 13. You must be very, very special.

You must be very, very special.

Stop it! 🤣🤣🤣

my bro has never been pressured really (sexism and all that). Sisters have been, but cut them off after the family gathering episode. So no I’m not special, just tolerant, until now that is…

They didn’t cut off all our family that’s silly. Just the aunts.

Perhaps you should consider whether its reasonable to have more children when you have a chronic health issue.
Perhaps you should have looked to the future before having children.

Or maybe just stop making sweeping judgements.

You don't sound very nice

Have you tried telling them
to fuck off?

I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2
🙄
No doubt somebody's taking the time to look after you then?

No you shouldnt feel obliged to your family members. However, you are a hypocrite

You sound very arrogant OP. Some of us couldn't have children until later in life. It's sensible to make arrangements in case the worst happens. Have a heart.