To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

The responses are getting so ludicrous it’s hard to know how to reply to them. So I’m going to do one big reply then go and get my takeaway (lol).

My post isn’t about older parents per se. There are lots of other 40 something parents in my family, the difference is they haven’t been sending me emotional blackmaily messages about being ‘all their child has’ one day and demanding I give up a disproportionate amount of time to foster a relationship with their child ‘in case that happens’. They just get on with parenting and I don’t concern myself at all with their lifestyle choices. And they don’t concern themselves with mine.

I think those of you who have misread my posts, turned it around and are making this all about older parents have your own issues to resolve. I’m not criticising any of you.

My medical condition - interesting that so many posters have assumed I’m criticising the choices of all older parents and that’s wrong, but have zero trouble in making very unkind (not to mention inaccurate) comments about that. It’s under control, I waited 2 years to get pregnant again to make sure it was in the best place. But that’s pretty irrelevant.

Signing off now to enjoy my Friday evening ✨

have a great weekend everyone.

Mangocrazy1
So who will you ask to be your DC’s legal guardians should you get knocked down by a bus @Wouldloveanother surely you have thought of that?? I know most ppl do?? Young people die too!! 🙄

DH, obviously.

I’m not particularly concerned about ending up their guardian, as statistically it’s unlikely.

It happens. My birth parents both died in an accident in their early thirties. FWIW I had my first child at 26 and my last at 40.

Probably best not to judge.

We selfishly had kids in our early thirties even though we knew perfectly well we were not related to anyone we would feel comfortable taking them should we both drop dead. Two SILs and my PILs who don't like kids ( but all had children anyway), my brother who was married to a wicked witch and my parents who get overwhelmed easily.

Oh well. Our oldest is 18 now, so I guess that solves the problem

I'm so sorry about your birth parents passing so young, that sounds awful

I think it's ridiculous to be having children so late in life. YANBU

You've worded the title incorrectly and that has caused the lot of touchy posters to jump on you. Should they have read the rest of your post and some of your responses it is clear you aren't attacking the over 40s that have decided to have children that late for reasons of infertility, or having met the right person later etc. However you have made judgements against your family members because you don't agree with their choices and it sounds very much like you think they have been irresponsible. You are entitled to your opinion of course.

In asking for whether yabu I think that you aren't. You have a busy life of your own and for your own reasons do not wish to give more than you can. This is totally valid. You do have to speak up though and whilst it might caused ww3 with your grandparents I'd still say you need to tell her to but out. I'd point out that doing a 4 hour round trip for someone that won't reciprocate for you is ridiculous. I'd also be very frank about what you are willing to do for each child and if that is nothing that is fair enough. They really should have thought of this before having kids and put plans in place as being older does have an impact. Why is your sister not getting harassed in the way that you are? Apologies if you've already answered that as I haven't read all your responses.

YANBU. It's ridiculous how late some people leave it.

Oh just absolutely fuck the fuck off. You have no idea what’s going on in anybody else’s life.

Thank you @Sceptre86 you seem to have grasped what I’m saying perfectly.

My siblings cut them all off for exactly this reason. It culminated in my auntie shouting at my then 17 year old sister at a family gathering for ‘not making enough effort’ with her child and calling her selfish!

Surely statistically you and your DH are more likely to die over the next 18 years (and your children needing support from their relatives) Than your relatives dieing over the next few years before their children become adults

You don't seem to be a big fan of your cousins or your grandparents. I don't know why but obviously you aren't close and it seems there is a bit more to this story in terms of family history.

If when you were younger these people or your parents / aunts and uncles didn't make any effort with you I can see why you might be feeling a bit resentful about being asked to step in. You have said you would willing do it for others in the family you are closer to.

Is this why? Rather than that they are all stupid for having kids later in life?

Either way if they knew how you felt I assume they probably wouldn't ask you - so really you need to be truthful. Either that or say yes and hope they don't pop their clogs. Have they got money / assets to leave to their DCs?

Is there anyone else they could ask? It would be a bit sad for the DC in question to literally be left with no family at all. But then if their parents don't die in the next five years or so they might decide they don't want to come to you at Christmas after that anyway, so it's all completely irrelevant.

I thought you had signed off because the thread had become beneath you.

You don't seem to be a big fan of your cousins or your grandparents.

My cousins are fine, I have a completely normal
relationship with them. Not their fault, all this.

My grandparents have been quite instrumental in this over the years. There would be a grilling whenever I saw them ‘Have you spoken to X? Do you have any plans to go and see them? They’re very lonely, you’re their only younger family. You really should make more effort’ etc etc. It was draining. This has been going on since I was 13 - yes, 13! I would then get follow up texts ‘Wouldlove, have you arranged to go and see X as we discussed?’

It’s honestly like an obsession.

Whereas on the other side of the family, grandparents not involved in it at all, it’s more dramatic texts received when aunty is clearly having a meltdown over it and wants to offload on somebody. She does it less than the other ones, but it feels like there’s no escape from these bizarre obligations.

well some reasonable questions came through so I am happy to answer them. Plus DH has gone to get the takeaway 😆 not to mention this is quite cathartic, MN is cheaper than therapy 😆

If you've had enough of a thread, my advice is just to stop looking at it and don't announce it. Makes it so much easier when you inevitably realise that no, you really don't have anything better to do. As soon as I saw your flounce, I thought, "she'll be back in 15 minutes". It was actually 19, but there have been two more since, and it's been barely half an hour, so I reckon I was close enough.

Oh Rene give it a rest 😂 have the night off. It’s my thread and I’ll flounce if I want to 😂

Quite ironic that you've chosen to have a child despite having a chronic health issue but pass judgement on older parents

Apart from that’s not what I’m doing is it, if you’d actually read any of my posts.

They have another 20 years, what’s the problem? By the time they die their kids will be nearly 40 and probably married with their own kids.

I know! It’s about the pressure, the dramatic texts and phone calls. The expectation of fostering a disproportionately close relationship with my cousins ‘just in case’. The fact that this stress really is of their own making and shouldn’t be my problem. Thats what this thread is about, not older parents.

13?! Fucksake. Why on Earth would the onus have been on you as a 13 year old to arrange to meet up. Ok, your GPS seem totally batshit. So on that basis my vote is YANBU to be veritably pissed off. Can you leave the country? don't know about the other side of fam, but I see you are surrounded by demanding and entitled people. I don't think the age at which they reproduced has anything to do with things though so YABU about that bit.

Exactly. The whole thread seems a lot of drama about nothing.

I had my ds at 38 because I waited to get married (!). I also had cancer at 27 so I might have been in the same position but younger had I had children and had asked someone to take them over if I (and dh) died.
I don’t get the big deal. If someone asked me now to take care of their kid (other than a grandchild - I’d do that in a minute) I’d tell them No in no uncertain terms!

Would you accept your sibling shouting at your 17 year old at a family gathering and calling them selfish, because they don’t want to spend all their time hanging out with their 6 year old cousin to foster a relationship because ‘you might be all they have one day’? You would be okay with that, would you? And objecting to that would make you a drama Queen?!