To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

I agree - surely it’s more selfish to have children with a chronic health condition, whatever age you are, than a healthy 45 year old?

With a chronic condition, there’s a chance that you may never be able to give your kids what they need.

YABU.

Depends on the health condition doesn’t it? If it Is very debilitating and limits your life, then yes.

If with good management it shouldn’t affect things, then no.

It hilarious all these accusations of ageism when posts like Dixon’s are blatantly ableist.

This title made me so sad. I've been TTC for 10 years, now late 30s. I hope I'm not being judged, it wasn't my choice. It would mean everything to me to have a child :(

The more I read the replies the more I think people haven’t actually read my posts…! But hey ho.

I was told that it’s not actually that rare in people with the condition unfortunately. A relative of mine had it and when her mum died, it’s took over. She’d always had issues with germs but it was livable. When her mum died she ended up spending most of her days washing and rewashing her hands, maybe 200 times a day. And other obsessions started too. Checking locks, lights on and off a certain number of times and she experienced pure o too. I went with her to group therapy and the stories were much the same. It can be horrendous.

Well our situations are miles apart and what you’ve written bears zero resemblance to my life.

Given that they didn't have children in their twenties, it sounds like you wish that they didn't have children at all. You sound very prescriptive about how people should live their lives. They are simply asking if you would consider being involved. You can say no. You are being unreasonable for wishing that their children didn't exist as opposed to them asking you this question. It would be different if they were harassing you into doing it, but it doesn't sound like that's the case. A text is probably the least confrontational way of asking you about this!

As to the fact that they had children later in life even though they didn't have trouble finding a partner or infertility issues...

Yes, you could make the argument that some people are causing themselves grief because they are delaying parenthood and then running into fertility problems, or that their children might not have parents living for as long (and you could also make the opposite argument that delaying parenthood is super beneficial to many families), but this isn't really about that. It's more about how you think that they way your friends spent their youth is causing you an inconvenience now in terms of the age of their children. Have a little more empathy. It's very unlikely that your friends thought "I'm so glad I partied all throughout my twenties, because I just value FUN. Now I don't even care if my children are orphans because So-and-So will deal with it." Maybe when they were in their 20s they thought they'd never want kids, or they weren't emotionally ready, or any number of other things. Just don't be resentful of them for wondering if you might be kind toward loved ones and orphans at Christmas time LOL.

Also intrigued in terms of the question about why only OP is being asked to fulfil this role when she has a sibling/ cousins. Interesting she hasn’t answered 🤔.

Wow OP, you sound quite bitter for a young person. Doesn’t bode well for your later years if you’re already like this.

Keep up with your attitude and your young relatives won’t want anything to do with you, you’d be lucky to get a Christmas card. No young people want to spend time with bitter and spiteful older relatives so you may have found your solution.

Nobody's pressuring you to do anything, just say no, you don't think you are the right person to be named as legal guardian. Assertiveness is an important skill to have as a parent, maybe if you had matured a bit before starting your family you might be better equipped to deal with life.

But it didn’t resemble her life either. It was managed. She took meds. She worked, was married, had kids and had a good life, unless you knew her well, you wouldn’t know she had it at all. Then she was bereaved and everything changed. Everything fell apart and she did need people to help her.

Anyway, these teens you talk about are almost adults. Say no to being guardian. And it’s unlikely that they’ll choose you over friends and boyfriends/girlfriends/other relatives for Xmas and other holidays IF their parents die in the next few years.

You have a young child and another due. That’s a lot of years to get through so it’s more likely you’ll need help than they do with their teens. If you don’t like them, don’t bother with them. But its good to keep good people around as you never know wha life has in store for any of us.

I have read your posts, all I can see is you insisting that it's unlikely to happen. But it might happen. So what's your backup plan?

Would you really sit back and let a child in your family be taken into care because you didn't want to take them in? Because that's the alternative for some of us.

It’s funny that you think a future mid 20s cousin will want to spend much if any time with their 40 soccer mom cousin. Now THAT is very unlikely.

I'm with you, OP. We have several single males in our family that I think will end up being our guests at all family events.

It's not that I mind, but I can't see there being any choices, or anyone to share it out!

I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering. I was beginning to wonder if I was misreading about a sister and other relatives. It must be her amazing personality that the older relatives have chosen her and only her to be family to these teens.

To use your own words OP "how convenient for this thread".

And yet in previous posts, you have said explicitly that you "wouldn't survive" if you weren't taking your meds.

And in other posts of yours you've made some pretty horrible comments which are incredibly ableist - so don't even try to take the moral high ground here about that.

I don't normally look at previous posts, but some of the comments here from PP made me think it was worth a look. And FYI, the condition you've posted about before absolutely has a familial link - your DC are at an increased risk of developing it which is the opposite of what you've claimed. You're twisting facts on this thread to try and suit your argument.

I'm not engaging with someone who's lying about stuff to try and make their point sound more valid. I'm out.

I think your original post and title were clumsy OP and i think you have had an undeserved flaming on here to be honest, i totally get your point that its far more about their expectations of you long term, which are definitely unreasonable.

Everyone is entitled to make their own life choices but to have children late in life by choice, with the expectation that someone else will "parent" them, is nuts. Its this expectation that you are quite rightly objecting to, and I agree with you!

Family members at family events, you say?

Have you read her subsequent post, some of which are just plan nasty, not to mention that these children that she may (unlikely) have to parent are alreay 15 and 17, so not in great need of OP fantastic maternal nurturing!!

On the other hand, my best friend from school had older parents who were in their early forties when both her and her brother were born. Her brother was killed in a car accident when he was in his late teens and my friend died of breast cancer when she was in her 30’s. The ‘older’ parents tragically outlived both their children.

😂

Do people really think that having lots of kids by the time you're 35 is a protection against having to put up with annoying relatives at Christmas and family gatherings? If you don't have irritating relatives you have to put up with, do you actually have a family? (Or maybe the relative is you?)

I'm intrigued by the people who think the importance of family is that it means you don't have to see other family.

Yan totally unreasonable there are many disadvantages in choosing to start a family later in life, fertility issue's aside.

It's a case of fulfilling every need before starting a family.

Money is an advantage but time and energy not juggling menopause really helps.

Parents convince themselves that 50 something with pre-teens is totally normal.

It's more common, in the olden days a late child was often after a few children and the older ones often helped out.

I had my first at 28 my second at 34.