To wish people would look to the future before having late in life babies?

[Wouldloveanother]

Sorry the title is a bit rubbish, but I couldn’t think of what else to put. This is not a dig at older parents at all, just this specific situation.

I’ve got 2 family members who had only children in their mid 40s. One as a couple, one as a single mum. No history of infertility in either of them (important in this context), just ‘didn’t feel ready’ before.

Anyway some years have passed, the kids are now teenagers and they’re in their late 50s/early 60s. One half of the couple has been through some health problems, and suddenly it’s like they’re all panicking about what will happen to their child should something happen to them.

To the point where I’ve received texts asking me if I would step in and house/look after their child should they be orphaned, or will I be their main family if they’re alone in the world in future.

I’m probably going to look like a cow here, but I have a chronic health issue, a toddler and am pregnant with DC2. I simply don’t have the resources to add another dependant to this household. Of course I’m happy to keep in touch with their kids as the years go on and occasionally go to see them etc, but it’s suddenly dawned on me they see me as their child’s ‘main family’ in years to come, unless of course their kids have settled down by then. I’ve had a lot of comments from other older family members about ‘not keeping in touch enough’ with these kids and ‘you might be all they have one day’.

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed and emotionally blackmailed? I feel like they spent so many years enjoying themselves before having a child, and now expect me to pick up the pieces? Totally prepared to be told IABU…

No, the odds of my DH (who is in perfect health) suddenly dying and my health condition (which is pretty routine and well managed) suddenly spiralling out of control to the extent that I’m not able to parent my own kid. Oh and my pregnancy going wrong followed by infertility.

its so unlikely as to be a nonsense.

It happens. People die And you have a condition that may mean you don’t cope if it happens. All the money and pensions do not replace people.

The chances of your relatives dying before their kid is 18 is unlikely, as they’re already a teen. The chance of them being lonely in their 20s and to want to spend a lot of time with you is also unlikely. It’s weird that their parents would make plans like that. People in their 20s are usually pretty busy socially.

What’s your situation Rene?

I thought it was normal to ask a cousin's family if they could step in in the unlikely event of the parents passing. I know my parents did this and we have too, but it was nothing to do with being old.

So with the fantasy scenario about me it’s ‘watch out; it happens’

whereas with my relatives, suddenly it’s ‘very unlikely’?

you can’t just say chances and probability matter when it comes to them, but not me?

The condition you’ve mentioned on another thread commonly spirals under stress. And you have confirmed that to be the case for you.

It momentarily does, for a matter of hours. So I hoik the meds and it goes back to normal. You’re so desperate to make out it could easily spiral to the point of incapacitation, but it just isn’t like that.

I think you’re massively over thinking what’s being asked of you. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if other relatives are just suggesting that you have more of relationship with your niblings, now but also hopefully in the future. You don’t sound close to them now, which is fine, I barely saw my aunts and uncles. But if your family are otherwise close it’s not surprising if relatives are querying your more distant approach. I suspect a lot of the other obligations for the future are in your own head.

Your anxiety seems to boil down to a potential extra guest at Christmas. That’s a pretty weird thing to be this worked up about.

What’s the point though OP, did you post this to feel superior? Did the relatives even ask for your help, or is this a thinly veiled attempt to remind yourself how great your situation allegedly is?

I'm on my phone so I'll keep it short, but there's a) your nasty title and b) "I think there’s a big difference between rare and unforeseeable events that could affect any one of us, and the likelihood of issues arising from having a solitary child as an only parent at 43."

Plus your mention that the older parents' situation was "preventable".

Now to be fair, as it's gone on it's become clear that you're actually angry because your family are twats, but you've been projecting (yes, this is what it means; it's not a catch-all response to being pulled up on your offensiveness) it all over the shop on other people in general. The number of people you've hurt and offended should tell you something.

In case you should worry that I'm among them, fear not. I'm in my 30s, have two kids, am happily married to their father and have no plans for any more. But I can still see why you've upset so many people.

‘Did the relatives even ask you for help’ 😂 😂

have you even read my posts???? Even just the OP??????!

Yes, your post states you feel emotionally blackmailed?
you come off as the kind of person who’d have no issue telling these people that you don’t want to look after their kids if/when the parents die. So there’s your answer. Just tell them and off you pop

Happily married, two kids by my husband and no plans for more, 30s, house on mortgage, no health issues in me or my husband and three grandparents who broke 90. One of them made 100.

Why?

No.

I’m saying, if they have officially asked you to be guardian under 18, you need to say no so they can make plans. It’s sensible for them to do that. It is weird of them to plan for a 20 something year olds future lonely Xmas. Deal with it if and when it happens.

For you, I’m just surprised that you think your own circumstances are that different. Yes, you’re younger. But you have a condition that could affect your ability to parent your child should anything happen in your life that causes stress and triggers it. It would be wise for you to put in place guardians for your very young children, not just money for if the worst happened. And I’m surprised that someone with a condition, and other issues you’ve detailed in your life, would not be more understanding and less judgemental of others.

Sounds to me like you're knackered running round after a toddler and pregnant and these friends/family members (sorry I have only read your OP) are just asking too much from you at the moment.

I think in terms of the future, it's more important what people put into their bodies rather than what comes out of them

I agree with your sentiment to some extent: I made a conscious choice to have children early to reduce (as far as possible) the risk of leaving them young. So I do think having children on the older scale bares thinking about seriously as you statistically much more likely to leave them younger. Of course, anyone could die anytime, but it becomes much more likely as you get older.

That said, older people may look at my situation and judge that I should have waited until I was more financially stable to start a family, and there's a valid point there too.

I can't quite get on board with not supporting my family if their parents died though. Any of my nieces and nephews (or even cousins) would be invited to live with me, no questions asked, and I say that as someone with no space or money, and a chronic health condition. It's just a no brainer. And if older and all that was asked was birthdays and Christmas then I really don't get the issue 🤷

Such an offensive post on so many levels.

We are not all in the lucky position to have our children in our twenties.

We are not all lucky enough to be able to have more than 1 child.

I don't see these people's choice to have children in their forties any worse than yours to have two with your chronic health condition.

Let's hope you are never in the position where you have to worry about who will care for your children in the future.

And I sincerely hope that it remains that way for you. But I have seen people become completely debilitated by it and yes, unable to function and perform normal daily tasks.

Really?! How rare and yet convenient for this thread.

Dunno, my father in law is in his mid seventies and seems to be fitter than people half his age. Depends on the person.

ive known people to die at 35 and leave children behind

its interesting, the votes are so different from the responses. It seems like a lot of people secretly agree but don’t want to incur the wrath of the posters on this thread! Not sure what to make of that.

My health condition is practically irrelevant -
the AIBU is about pressuring younger relatives to take on the burden of your decisions. Not AIBU to have kids in anything less than perfect circumstances. But you’ve all replied like it’s the latter.

Which is more likely?

The more I read your posts OP, the more I think you're putting down older parents to feel better about your own situation. It's pathetic.

Who will take your kids if both you and your partner die?

I still have not seen you explain why they are putting this all on YOU. You say you have been told you will be all they have. But you said you have a sister, and a niece and nephew. So these relatives have more family then just you. What is so special about you that they are saying you will be the only family they have?