Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?

[upsetandstressed]

Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.

The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.

So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.

I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.

DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.

I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".

Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.

My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!

I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.

It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!

AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?

[upsetandstressed]

@SirChenjins

Ignore that stupid comment from Bangolads OP - focus on the good advice you’ve been given on here instead.

Is your DP home yet - have you spoken about the job?

Yeah we've spoken about it. He believes he's justified in being unhappy about it but still told me he wants me to go for the job. I felt like he was giving me his permission, tbh.
He said he's worried if we had an argument I'd "go running back to him". I asked him if he trusts me he said he does. I said it doesn't feel that way.
We've stopped discussing it now as he's playing with DD and getting her sorted for bed. I've decided to drive to my family tomorrow for some headspace.

[Newuser82]

@MolliciousIntent bit of a aggressive response? I answered after reading only the first few posts so hadn't seen the bit about where he had walked out on anniversary of her mother's death but anyway..

I was simply saying that under any circumstances I'd be a little wary if my husband/partner was working in a job with an ex of any kind that's all.

[wellobviouslyyoucan]

I'd be pissed off if my husband was excited about getting a job where his ex works, particularly if they'd have a thing one night not so long ago.

Surely this can't be the only place you can get a job?

Realistically I also struggle to believe you hadn't remembered he works there.

[Newuser82]

@MolliciousIntent and no, of course she didn't do anything wrong in kissing the guy. They were broken up. But I can understand why he would be wary about them working together.

[SunnyD44]

No, there are 2 others.

Why not try them first?

You can see if your ex manager would give you a good reference.

I completely get where you are coming from but I think it’s either this job or your marriage.

Your DH may say he’s ok with it but I think it will end up causing many issues and arguments and the relationship will just end up breaking down.

[gamerchick]

OP ignore the projectors. This is yours and the bairns futures. From the sounds of it he's bounced it off someone and been told to give himself a slap.

This is an opportunity to lift a huge load from your life. Just go for it.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@wellobviouslyyoucan

I'd be pissed off if my husband was excited about getting a job where his ex works, particularly if they'd have a thing one night not so long ago.

Surely this can't be the only place you can get a job?

Realistically I also struggle to believe you hadn't remembered he works there.

"one Kiss" is hardly a "one night thing"
There are 2 other places that the OP can get a job within a commutable radius due to her specialty
The fact that you cannot believe she forgot says more about you than it does about her.

I suggest you actually RTFT rather than skim the first couple of posts.

[Changemaname1]

Logically I know he is in the wrong however if I’m totally truthful I would react the same

[saltinesandcoffeecups]

@upsetandstressed

Yeah we've spoken about it. He believes he's justified in being unhappy about it but still told me he wants me to go for the job. I felt like he was giving me his permission, tbh.
He said he's worried if we had an argument I'd "go running back to him". I asked him if he trusts me he said he does. I said it doesn't feel that way.
We've stopped discussing it now as he's playing with DD and getting her sorted for bed. I've decided to drive to my family tomorrow for some headspace.

So you’ve talked he’s told you his feelings and agreed you should go for the job…and you’re still not happy.


He gets to have feelings, just as you do. Look, he may be a world class asshole, but you aren’t coming out covered in glory here either. I stand by my first comment that you two probably shouldn’t be together. You are clearly not making each other happy.

[Itwasntright]

I'm pleased to hear you're going to your family op. You need space from him. Please tell someone you trust in real life what things are like for you at home.

[SteakExpectations]

Wow OP that’s so great that your ex colleague thinks you’ll be a god fit for the role! Best of luck with your application.

If PPs are right and your other threads do suggest that your partner is a piece of shit and you probably should leave him, this will be a fantastic positive beginning to your new chapter.

Who knows, perhaps you will bump into your ex at work and he’ll be another friendly face around the place. Don’t let your partner put a dampener on this amazing opportunity for you and your LO.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@saltinesandcoffeecups

So you’ve talked he’s told you his feelings and agreed you should go for the job…and you’re still not happy.


He gets to have feelings, just as you do. Look, he may be a world class asshole, but you aren’t coming out covered in glory here either. I stand by my first comment that you two probably shouldn’t be together. You are clearly not making each other happy.

There is a massive difference between

"Sorry for being an idiot earlier, it was a knee jerk reaction. If you want to go for the job then I am behind you 100%"

and

"You can apply for this job but I am still not happy about this bloke maybe still working there"

If you cant see that then either you are in a shitty relationship too or you are more fortunate than many of us and have no experience of how an abusive relationship can be, and I am glad for you.

[katepilar]

@AdriannaP

What worries me about your post is the rollercoaster of emotions. You go from being depressed for months to crying with joy about a job that you have not even applied yet!
you really forgot your ex works there?

Sounds pretty normal to me, given the situation OP is in.

[upsetandstressed]

@SunnyD44

No, there are 2 others.

Why not try them first?

You can see if your ex manager would give you a good reference.

I completely get where you are coming from but I think it’s either this job or your marriage.

Your DH may say he’s ok with it but I think it will end up causing many issues and arguments and the relationship will just end up breaking down.

The other 2 are full time. This one with my previous manager is option to work full or part time. I want to drop a few hours if possible for my own well-being and life balance.

[upsetandstressed]

So you’ve talked he’s told you his feelings and agreed you should go for the job…and you’re still not happy.

Why do you think I should be happy? Am I not allowed to feel whatever it is I feel? I feel utterly deflated and depressed, if that's allowed. Hence why I'm getting away to my family tomorrow for some headspace.

[Sunshinegirl82]

Assuming the recent threads I'm thinking of are also yours OP then this is just another example of your DP's selfishness and total disregard for you as a person. He's an arsehole.

This is not some guy who is a decent and loving partner who had a bit of a wobble over an insecurity. You know that. You know that's not his motivation.

Please throw everything into getting this job, for your future and your DD's. If you are not ready to leave (although I think you need to) then this can be a potential stepping stone for you. More time for yourself and DD and greater financial independence.

[billy1966]

He is a nasty abusive asshole and @KettrickenSmiled and others have nailed it.

He doesn't love you.
He wants to control and punish you.

He wants you ground down and broken and he sure as hell doesn't want to share the load.

If you had some time, rest and space you might see just how nasty he is and how abused you are.

Take this job if you get any chance to.

Get away from this pierce of shit as soon as you can.

Telling him about the kiss was handing him a sticknto beat you with.

He isn't jealous, it's about him not having absolute control over you.

He walked out on you on that date to cause maximum hurt.

You kissing another man meant you weren't distraught over him.

He's scum.

When you get stronger, you will see this.

You don't need his permission to change job.

Reach out for support and talk to Women's aid.

Mind yourself and protect yourself.
Stop telling him so much.
Detach and protect yourself.

[Ohsugarhoneyicetea]

Go for it, this is about your future and being able to be the kind of mum you want to. You're not even married to your partner, so he gets no say in this. He could walk out the door and owe you nothing. Put yourself and your child first. And less stress will likely help your relationship too.

[SunnyD44]

The other 2 are full time. This one with my previous manager is option to work full or part time. I want to drop a few hours if possible for my own well-being and life balance.

Can you afford to go part time if you were to break up with DH for whatever reason?

[SunnyD44]

I’ve not read your other threads so I can’t judge but I would be very careful listening to posters advice of ending the relationship as it happens on every thread, even when whatever happened isn’t a big enough deal to end an entire relationship.

If you are unhappy or he’s abusive etc then of course end things but based on just this thread then I can see why you’re DH would be unhappy and every poster on here (whether they admit it or not) would be upset that their partner kissed their ex and now could be working in the same place as them.

As I said I’ve not read the other threads but I think it’s a positive thing that he’s told you how he feels.
Now you can think on it and discuss it more and hopefully come to some sort of compromise.

You definitely need a new job but I worry that you’re so focused on getting out of your current place that you’re not thinking everything through fully.

[girlmom21]

You've spoken and agreed to go for the job. Make sure you apply.

Focus on your other issues separately but don't miss out on this opportunity.

[comfortablyfrumpy]

Good luck with the job application.

(And YANBU).

[Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly]

Some people on here are being ridiculous.

It's a job. A better job. You should go for it.

What would happen then, if you went to work on Monday and your ex had got a job there. Would you leave?

If you worked somewhere public sector like the police, you would have to work where you were put, you would not have a choice. So how would your DP cope then?

If he doesn't trust you then he has the problem. You were on a break. Take the job.

[Motherland2624]

Oh no not you again you need to kick that loser out

[StaunchMomma]

So he'd rather you stay miserable and stressed in a job that's negatively effecting your entire family than allow you to work somewhere perfect because your ex used to work there?

Christ, is he 14?

He could at least find out if the ex even is still there before spitting his dummy, plus if he's hardly trusting you if he doesn't want you working in the same building, is he?

This would really piss me off.