Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?

[upsetandstressed]

Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.

The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.

So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.

I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.

DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.

I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".

Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.

My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!

I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.

It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!

AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?

[Stopthebusplease]

OP I am so sorry that having done something positive in order to improve your life and that of your family, that your parter spoiled it all for you. On the one hand I can understand him being a bit upset about the possibility of you going to work at a place where your ex might still be working, but once you explained that it's a massive place and the likelihood of running into him is slim, it does seem that your partner is being unreasonable, and clearly doesn't trust you, whatever he might say. If, as had been indicated in other replies, your partner is abusive and controlling, then I would definitely go for the job and regardless of what he says, take it if it's offered, and then give some serious thought, once you have more time on your hands, as to whether you really want to stay with this man. As far as I'm concerned, we spend many hours of our lives working, and so being unhappy while you are there, is just not worth it.

So, in a nutshell congratulations for doing something positive for yourself and your family. Ignore your partners jealousy, if he doesn't trust you it's up to him to walk away, not spend time making life miserable for you both. GOOD LUCK!

[CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears]

@upsetandstressed

Yeah we've spoken about it. He believes he's justified in being unhappy about it but still told me he wants me to go for the job. I felt like he was giving me his permission, tbh.
He said he's worried if we had an argument I'd "go running back to him". I asked him if he trusts me he said he does. I said it doesn't feel that way.
We've stopped discussing it now as he's playing with DD and getting her sorted for bed. I've decided to drive to my family tomorrow for some headspace.

Look. If I can give you some advice… I think going to your family for some headspace sounds like a very, very good idea. You tried to do something positive and beneficial for your mental health and your family circumstances in looking at this job and really pursuing it (your commute is horrific, he does fuck all to help, he doesn’t care that you’re on your knees, and the first thing he does is accuse you of looking at that job “because” your ex works there - when you didn’t even remember; obviously, he’s the one that cares so much about this ex, not you. Of COURSE you feel hurt and accused. Only one person is being irrational here and it’s your partner.) But you feel like you did something terrible, waiting for him to get home, because he’s made you feel that way over the course of countless, countless arguments. He’s always right, he’s always blameless, and you’re always the thoughtless one and the root of the problem… so he says. Well, he’s wrong. He’s lying to you. He’s not blameless and YOU are not at fault for every argument. Sure, I’m sure like every human you make mistakes, and you do have some issues, but it’s not black and white, and you should never be in a relationship where you feel like you’re going to be punished after EVERY argument, with stonewalling or strops or a tense atmosphere until YOU admit it was all “your fault,” even when your rational brain knows it wasn’t, like right now. It’s all so, so wrong. He’s not the only man, or person, like this, nor is he the first, nor will he be the last.

While you’re with your family, remember that you might have moments that you miss him. You might have moments that it’s harder with your DD without him there. You’re NOT insane for missing someone who treats you badly - it happens a lot, because you’re used to them, and life can be lonely. But pay attention to how you feel in the bigger picture. Do you feel like you can breathe more easily? Is there less tension? Do you not have to worry about walking on eggshells? If you decide to leave your partner, no one should tell you it will be 100% easy. There will be tough moments. There may be moments you miss him. But you will never have to sit there worrying that you’re a terrible person when you know you’re not. And after a while, you won’t hear his voice in your head anymore. Because you do, don’t you? Telling you that this is your fault, and you’re why this relationship is failing, etc. He said it out loud, it got in through your ears, and like a parasite, it attached to your mind, and doesn’t want to let go. But it will. You can be free. It’s not a mistake that Women’s Aid calls it the Freedom Programme… when you’re ready, you could call them up. And yes, what you’re going through is worth help. Don’t let another voice in your head tell you that it’s not. There are other women who will have other kinds of abuse, but that doesn’t mean you’re not hurting. You can do this, OP. Good luck.

[Idunnowhyibother]

@itsgettingweird

You're missing the point.

You were the one who kissed an ex during a break in your relationship.

So right now you have to put his feelings first about this. That's not to say you shouldn't push a discussion or even go for it and see what happens in your relationship as a result.

But how you feel is second to his feelings in this situation.

Put his feelings first? Don't make me laugh....what a subtle yet manipulative thing to say....and also complete bullshit. OPS feelings are not 'second' to his feeling. Gaslight somewhere else!

[MadCattery]

About 15 years ago, my husband was suddenly having to work alongside his ex girlfriend. Obviously, I was concerned. Once I met her and saw what a loser she was, It worked out. He hated it more than I did and I trusted him. He did find a better job, which was a relief really. That you kissed your ex complicates it a bit, though. I think it’s really important to find out if ex is still working there, because that would be a deal breaker, for the sake of your relationship.

[FreudayNight]

@Soontobe60

And it’s also short sighted of you to think that your DH values his relationship with you more than money. You are completely dismissing his feelings in this.

If he valued the relationship he wouldn’t behave like he does?

he’d do his fair share of the nursery run
he wouldn’t have his partner walking on egg-sells.
she wouldn’t dreading him coming home.

Do you think none of us have seen how abusive people use whatever weapon is available to get the person they supposedly love in an absolute spin. You are telling her to placate the angry person.
Angry people are never actually placatable- if she doesn’t apply he will weaponise that she was ever stupid enough to think that she could.

He’s being an absolute nut-job, and it is such a shame you support him.

[Thepossibility]

The job sounds perfect op. I think in this situation you are both allowed your feelings. Do you not have an old mutual friend with ex that you can ask if they still work there? This argument could be over nothing if he doesn't and you could move on and feel hopeful and excited together.

[KeepYaHeadUp]

Jesus, he sounds like a piece of work. 4 years and a child later and he's still mean and jealous? In my book if you forgive and get over something then you move on properly, or you don't. Has he forgiven and moved on or is this going to hang over you forever? And can you cope with it being used against you forever?

[PreColumbian]

Quite tricky. Re: your DP, I can sort of imagine myself behaving like he is, if I were in his situation. Not that I think it’s great behaviour! But I do get him.

However. He either trusts you, or he doesn’t. It’s easy enough to contact anyone nowadays via Social Media so it’s pretty irrelevant whether you work somewhere where it’s possible you’ll meet the ex. You might want to point that out to him.

[m00rfarm]

Wow - so you are still pissy because he has said that he has thought about it (without knowing the full story) and said that you should go for it - and you are showing him exactly what he is worried about ... something pisses you off and you run for someone other than him. No idea what your other threads are about, but if you think you are acting in a way that shows you are committed to your relationship, then good luck.

[Aquamarine1029]

This relationship is doomed and I certainly hope you apply for this job. You need to ensure that you are completely financially independent.

[Jedsnewstar]

@billy1966

He is a nasty abusive asshole and @KettrickenSmiled and others have nailed it.

He doesn't love you.
He wants to control and punish you.

He wants you ground down and broken and he sure as hell doesn't want to share the load.

If you had some time, rest and space you might see just how nasty he is and how abused you are.

Take this job if you get any chance to.

Get away from this pierce of shit as soon as you can.

Telling him about the kiss was handing him a sticknto beat you with.

He isn't jealous, it's about him not having absolute control over you.

He walked out on you on that date to cause maximum hurt.

You kissing another man meant you weren't distraught over him.

He's scum.

When you get stronger, you will see this.

You don't need his permission to change job.

Reach out for support and talk to Women's aid.

Mind yourself and protect yourself.
Stop telling him so much.
Detach and protect yourself.

This

[saltinesandcoffeecups]

@upsetandstressed

So you’ve talked he’s told you his feelings and agreed you should go for the job…and you’re still not happy.

Why do you think I should be happy? Am I not allowed to feel whatever it is I feel? I feel utterly deflated and depressed, if that's allowed. Hence why I'm getting away to my family tomorrow for some headspace.

Yes you are which is why I wrote that in the same post you got the quote from.

I think it’s a great idea to get away, which again, is why I suggested you stop looking at each situation in isolation instead really evaluate if you are happy in your situation.

Jesus… whatever stay with him or don’t but at a certain point you are going to have to be the one to figure it out. It’s not healthy to attempt to find repeated validation by others that your DP is a jerk. I think that’s been the general consensus on this thread and the other. We aren’t in your relationship so it only matters if you think he’s a jerk.

[KettrickenSmiled]

@CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears

Look. If I can give you some advice… I think going to your family for some headspace sounds like a very, very good idea. You tried to do something positive and beneficial for your mental health and your family circumstances in looking at this job and really pursuing it (your commute is horrific, he does fuck all to help, he doesn’t care that you’re on your knees, and the first thing he does is accuse you of looking at that job “because” your ex works there - when you didn’t even remember; obviously, he’s the one that cares so much about this ex, not you. Of COURSE you feel hurt and accused. Only one person is being irrational here and it’s your partner.) But you feel like you did something terrible, waiting for him to get home, because he’s made you feel that way over the course of countless, countless arguments. He’s always right, he’s always blameless, and you’re always the thoughtless one and the root of the problem… so he says. Well, he’s wrong. He’s lying to you. He’s not blameless and YOU are not at fault for every argument. Sure, I’m sure like every human you make mistakes, and you do have some issues, but it’s not black and white, and you should never be in a relationship where you feel like you’re going to be punished after EVERY argument, with stonewalling or strops or a tense atmosphere until YOU admit it was all “your fault,” even when your rational brain knows it wasn’t, like right now. It’s all so, so wrong. He’s not the only man, or person, like this, nor is he the first, nor will he be the last.

While you’re with your family, remember that you might have moments that you miss him. You might have moments that it’s harder with your DD without him there. You’re NOT insane for missing someone who treats you badly - it happens a lot, because you’re used to them, and life can be lonely. But pay attention to how you feel in the bigger picture. Do you feel like you can breathe more easily? Is there less tension? Do you not have to worry about walking on eggshells? If you decide to leave your partner, no one should tell you it will be 100% easy. There will be tough moments. There may be moments you miss him. But you will never have to sit there worrying that you’re a terrible person when you know you’re not. And after a while, you won’t hear his voice in your head anymore. Because you do, don’t you? Telling you that this is your fault, and you’re why this relationship is failing, etc. He said it out loud, it got in through your ears, and like a parasite, it attached to your mind, and doesn’t want to let go. But it will. You can be free. It’s not a mistake that Women’s Aid calls it the Freedom Programme… when you’re ready, you could call them up. And yes, what you’re going through is worth help. Don’t let another voice in your head tell you that it’s not. There are other women who will have other kinds of abuse, but that doesn’t mean you’re not hurting. You can do this, OP. Good luck.

Reposting from @CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears because OP - if this is the ONLY thing you take from this thread - it's enough.

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@upsetandstressed

It's also the fact that this is such a good opportunity for us all as a family, that's he's just completely failed to even hear me out on.

The company has a FAR better reputation for progression etc than the one I'm at currently. I could be earning more than 65k in a couple years time.

It's so short sighted of him to not see how that would be hugely beneficial to our family.

Give the guy a break. He was AT WORK. It was a daft time to tell him & expect a full conversation.

[mycatisannoying]

Oh gosh, it was all sounding perfect until you got to the bit about the ex.

My ex husband cheated on me (not for one second that I am comparing that bastard to you, OP ) and I'm just not sure that I could handle a partner of mine working with an ex. Some issues just can't be erased.

I wish you well though, OP.

[mycatisannoying]

So YABU and very naive, I'm afraid.

[mycatisannoying]

Also, his initial reaction must have been one of shock, which is totally understandable.

[Binkybix]

Read up to about page 4 so far, but had to post to say how surprised I am at people saying they see DP’s pov.

You’re miserable and burnt out and have found yourself a potential way out, and he pisses all over it because your ex is there, who you kissed 4 years ago when you weren’t even together. you probably won’t even see each other if you work there.

Honestly, when I was young I was quite jealous of exes, but then I grew up and had a proper relationship with trust. I wouldn’t like it, but I would also appreciate that that was my issue, and support my partner all the way in This scenario. The fact he didn’t speaks volumes.

[Azandme]

@upsetandstressed go for it!

And whatever you do, DON'T tell him when the interview is. He may decide to make you late again, or start an argument with you that morning, to deliberately try to scupper you.

Tell him it's two or so days after. See how he behaves that morning...

And honestly, you deserve better.

[roseotter]

@Tiswa

This - if you are the same person then him leaving is the best

@upsetandstressed I read both of your previous threads and commented on them both… your DP is awful and is emotionally abusive, many many posters confirmed this for you previously. Please contact womens aid, or your crisis team, or your GP for support (you never answered my previous questions as to whether you have tried medication to assist with managing your mental health while you wait for therapy).

And please please please go for that job!!! It sounds like a really great opportunity that will help reduce some of the stress in your life. Don’t like your DP manipulate you out of it.

[beastlyslumber]

@CheapBeersFilledwithCrocodileTears

Look. If I can give you some advice… I think going to your family for some headspace sounds like a very, very good idea. You tried to do something positive and beneficial for your mental health and your family circumstances in looking at this job and really pursuing it (your commute is horrific, he does fuck all to help, he doesn’t care that you’re on your knees, and the first thing he does is accuse you of looking at that job “because” your ex works there - when you didn’t even remember; obviously, he’s the one that cares so much about this ex, not you. Of COURSE you feel hurt and accused. Only one person is being irrational here and it’s your partner.) But you feel like you did something terrible, waiting for him to get home, because he’s made you feel that way over the course of countless, countless arguments. He’s always right, he’s always blameless, and you’re always the thoughtless one and the root of the problem… so he says. Well, he’s wrong. He’s lying to you. He’s not blameless and YOU are not at fault for every argument. Sure, I’m sure like every human you make mistakes, and you do have some issues, but it’s not black and white, and you should never be in a relationship where you feel like you’re going to be punished after EVERY argument, with stonewalling or strops or a tense atmosphere until YOU admit it was all “your fault,” even when your rational brain knows it wasn’t, like right now. It’s all so, so wrong. He’s not the only man, or person, like this, nor is he the first, nor will he be the last.

While you’re with your family, remember that you might have moments that you miss him. You might have moments that it’s harder with your DD without him there. You’re NOT insane for missing someone who treats you badly - it happens a lot, because you’re used to them, and life can be lonely. But pay attention to how you feel in the bigger picture. Do you feel like you can breathe more easily? Is there less tension? Do you not have to worry about walking on eggshells? If you decide to leave your partner, no one should tell you it will be 100% easy. There will be tough moments. There may be moments you miss him. But you will never have to sit there worrying that you’re a terrible person when you know you’re not. And after a while, you won’t hear his voice in your head anymore. Because you do, don’t you? Telling you that this is your fault, and you’re why this relationship is failing, etc. He said it out loud, it got in through your ears, and like a parasite, it attached to your mind, and doesn’t want to let go. But it will. You can be free. It’s not a mistake that Women’s Aid calls it the Freedom Programme… when you’re ready, you could call them up. And yes, what you’re going through is worth help. Don’t let another voice in your head tell you that it’s not. There are other women who will have other kinds of abuse, but that doesn’t mean you’re not hurting. You can do this, OP. Good luck.

This post says it all, OP. I hope you can ignore the idiots on this thread and just hold on to the words here.

[upsetandstressed]

Give the guy a break. He was AT WORK. It was a daft time to tell him & expect a full conversation.

He was on his hour LUNCH BREAK. And be managed a "full conversation" about other stuff he wanted to talk to me about prior to me raising the job, so 🤷‍♀️

[upsetandstressed]

Thanks for the supportive posts, really appreciate them more than you know

[roseotter]

@Azandme

@upsetandstressed go for it!

And whatever you do, DON'T tell him when the interview is. He may decide to make you late again, or start an argument with you that morning, to deliberately try to scupper you.

Tell him it's two or so days after. See how he behaves that morning...

And honestly, you deserve better.

This is very good advice

[SirChenjins]

Good luck OP - I hope that you’re feeling a bit stronger today and that the good advice you’ve had on here has helped you to see things a bit more clearly (skim past the other ones, they’re not worth reading). The time with your family will give you some much needed breathing space, I’m sure, and good luck with the job interview/s - you deserve this 😊