Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?

[upsetandstressed]

Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.

The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.

So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.

I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.

DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.

I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".

Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.

My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!

I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.

It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!

AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?

[Bishbashboss]

From what you describe something needs to change in your life. So I would definitely go through with the job application. I would also consider part time if that is possible as that would probably help your mental health, from my experience.

Maybe your other half needs some space to think about things and he may well change his point of view in a couple of days. I would explain everything that you said calmly as possible e.g. the fact that you would probably never even see him, didn’t cross your mind etc. Then I guess it is down to whether you DP trusts your word or not. Which is out of your control!!


Your DC need parents who are happy and healthy. So I would invest in some counselling/ therapy/ couples therapy if you stays together, and potentially seek Medication for anxiety from the GP.

ignore the judgemental comments!!!! I would doubt these people would say it to your face.

[UndertheCedartree]

He either trusts you or he doesn't. And if he doesn't then that's no relationship, imho.

[AchatAVendre]

@CourtneeLuv

Have you applied to those two other jobs as well?

Why would she do that? Not only is it extremely time consuming, she wouldn't have her work contact in the other two, and given that its a small field, word would get around that she was desperate to move jobs, which might actually harm her career. A targetted application is a far better idea here. Its also the one workplace which is convenient to her child's nursery.

[Kerrrmieee]

Choose life.

[unbreakbroken]

Honestly, it sounds like you haven't forgiven him for calling time on your relationship on the anniversary of your mum's death (my condolences, however long it's been, you never truly get over a loss like that), and he hasn't forgiven you for being attracted to another man and acting on it.

If he thought he didn't love you anymore, it's understandable he left straight away, even if the timing was bad. The timing is always bad to leave someone.

If you were on a break, it's understandable you explored your options. It's always going to be a blow to his ego, though, seeing how you could find someone else so quickly and how he wasn't the only one in the world for you.

I don't think either of you have had unreasonable emotional reactions to those two events in your past together. Still, you can't both keep dragging around that hurt forevermore because that's why you're in a position where you're fighting with each other and downright miserable.

I guess the question is, can you both find a way to forgive, or are these festering wounds that will never heal?

This job sounds great. Try not to get too excited too quickly, but it does sound like a good move for you. I think you need to consider what's best for you and your DC, especially if your future with your DP is uncertain.

I don't think he's unreasonable to have had this instinctive reaction of feeling insecure, and you're not unreasonable to want to press ahead anyway, but it's part of a wider problem. Neither of you have really accepted what happened before you got back together.

[StarbucksSmarterSister]

Why did he initiate the break 4 years ago? With such awful timing too. Did he kiss other women when on that break but not tell you?

He sounds like a manipulative arsehole. Apply for the job, and best of luck with it. Honestly I don't know what else you've posted but if there's a pattern you need to bin him. But whatever you do, please remember you have done nothing wrong.

[Asurvivor]

@HaroldDemure Many women cope perfectly fine as single parents - in fact cope much much better than when they are in very unhappy relationships with unsupportive partners. Because they are actually already having to juggle all those things you mentioned, without support, but with the added burden of a bad relationship to deal with.
This thread is about one situation where I think the OP needs to consider her well-being and what she needs (as well as her dh’s wishes and needs). I think it is really bad advice to try and scare someone in accepting any kind of relationship because of the fear of going alone.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I said above you should apply and I hope you do but....

Beware that the one thing you absolutely cannot factor in his him doing any of the nursery runs. He will refuse. A) because he doesnt want to do it and b) as punishment for you daring to defy him and taking this job.

[StressedOutMumBex]

why dont you just call the switchboard and ask to speak to your ex - surely if he works there they will find him ? if you can cross that off because he isn't there or works in a completely different part of the company he should be able to move past this ?

[BeggarsMeddle]

To me it sounds like he hasn't 'got over' the kiss because it hasn't suited him to.

He's held onto this perceived wrong all this time just waiting for the opportunity to use it against you.

I say go for the job and end the relationship.

[Bangolads]

I can totally see both sides and anyone who is saying one persons right and one person is wrong is silly. Your DP is triggered by this and he’s allowed to have feelings- you were trying to move your life forward and your allowed to have feelings about that. Go and talk to your DP and understand why he feels insecure about it, talk to him, listen and talk about you feel rather than running to Mumsnet to prove he’s a bad person and your a good person.

[IncompleteSenten]

This is only part of a much bigger issue and that issue is your partner is not good for you.

He walked out on you when you were at a very low point and you kissed someone. Big deal. He. Had. Already. Left. You. You could have kissed every bloke in a 20 mile radius and he would have had no right to be angry about it.

Go for the job. You'll need the good salary to get the fuck away from him.

[BeggarsMeddle]

And if he wasn't abusive (based on other posts) then I'd probably be in the 'I can see two sides' camp. But he is, so I'm not.

[upsetandstressed]

@Bangolads

I can totally see both sides and anyone who is saying one persons right and one person is wrong is silly. Your DP is triggered by this and he’s allowed to have feelings- you were trying to move your life forward and your allowed to have feelings about that. Go and talk to your DP and understand why he feels insecure about it, talk to him, listen and talk about you feel rather than running to Mumsnet to prove he’s a bad person and your a good person.

That's not why I "run to mumsnet". I'm not trying to prove anything.

I post here because I feel very alone and lost sometimes and isolated. I have no one to talk to about all of this.

[upsetandstressed]

@StarbucksSmarterSister

Why did he initiate the break 4 years ago? With such awful timing too. Did he kiss other women when on that break but not tell you?

He sounds like a manipulative arsehole. Apply for the job, and best of luck with it. Honestly I don't know what else you've posted but if there's a pattern you need to bin him. But whatever you do, please remember you have done nothing wrong.

He just said he wasn't happy and wanted time and space to think about what he wanted.

[SunnyD44]

You were having relationship problems and you kissed your ex.

Now you’re having relationship problems and you’re applying for a job at the same place as your ex.


It may not be rational but it is very understandable.

I completely agree with this.

Your ex is obviously a threat as as soon as you and DH had problems you ran straight to him.

Now you are unhappy again and you just happen to want to work in the same place as your ex.

What happens if you are having a tough time with DH and just happen to bump into ex when you’re leaving work, at a works party or trip.

Of course it’s completely ridiculous and in his own head but he will be thinking all of the above.

You know he has an issue with this place of work.

There are a million other places of work you can try first.

I don’t think you marriage will survive this and if I was you I would look elsewhere.

When is the job deadline?

Have you looked at nurseries closer to home?
As not only then does it not matter where you work but also your son will go to the local school with the other nursery kids.

[SirChenjins]

Ignore that stupid comment from Bangolads OP - focus on the good advice you’ve been given on here instead.

Is your DP home yet - have you spoken about the job?

[Herja]

@HaroldDemure

Actually, OP you BOTH have a hell of a lot to lose if you divorce. You think life is bad now, how are you going to cope as a single mother trying to juggle a job, childcare, living off one salary etc because that is what is likely to happen.

People on here seem to think you have to win. You shouldn'tstay just to live in an unhappy marriage but the only way you win is if you both win. Otherwise you both lose.

Nah. Being a single parent is a LOT easier than living with a twat who has you do everything and makes life harder, who brings you down. The end of my marriage was one of my best days!

Budgeting the mortgage payments out of income support not intended to cover them was far easier than living with a tosser. Looking after children is easy alone, with noone questioning you constantly. You have a wierd idea of a hard life if being poor is harder than living with someone who makes every day miserable. That's far harder than poverty (having tried both). And the OP, unlike me, clearly has good earning potential - no reason at all to think it would be shitter than this. Quite the opposite.

[DWMoosmum]

You have to ask yourself how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot. If he'd applied for a job where his ex worked, the one he'd kissed whilst you had a relationship blip! I don't have a jealous bone in my body but but it would certainly get my heckles up if I were in the same situation.

[Soontobe60]

@upsetandstressed

It's also the fact that this is such a good opportunity for us all as a family, that's he's just completely failed to even hear me out on.

The company has a FAR better reputation for progression etc than the one I'm at currently. I could be earning more than 65k in a couple years time.

It's so short sighted of him to not see how that would be hugely beneficial to our family.

And it’s also short sighted of you to think that your DH values his relationship with you more than money. You are completely dismissing his feelings in this.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

He sounds like a bit of a dick, it might be understandable that he feels slightly insecure but ffs...it was 4 years ago, just a kiss, you were on a break, and it's a massive organisation so you wouldn't be working with him or probably ever see him, so I think the onus is on him to get over it or actually talk though his feeling with you rather than just taking his frustrations out on you

As an aside, your contact should be able to see if he still works there. Most large organisations have a system for contact details so she can just look them up and see if they exist

[KettrickenSmiled]

@Newuser82

Yes, I would too I'm afraid.

@MolliciousIntent @Newuser82

Let me get this straight.

You'd be pissed off if you chose to dump your partner on the anniversary of their mother's death, & they then - as a single person - kissed someone, told you about it, you chose to get back together with them, but 4 years down the line you make out that THEY are the one in the wrong?

And you can't see anything unreasonable in your kneejerk response?

[Jedsnewstar]

Wow people on here are being massively harsh to you op. Your DP has no right to be upset at all. He ended it.

He doesn’t sound very nice at all. A loving caring partner would see how you are clearly struggling and want to help. He didn’t even let you explain and you have said this is not the first time.

He is likely angry with you because he thought he had the power dumped you and you showed him he didn’t and could be with someone else. (I know to you it was a comfort kiss but to him a t was likely showing him you could move on, without him)

How much of the stress is really just the job and baby rather than deep down you shouldn’t be with this controlling arsehole.

Go for the job op. Massive good luck.

[Kennykenkencat]

@upsetandstressed

Clearly not, no. Which I hadn't realised until today.

I would suggest he said he had forgiven you although I am not sure there was anything to forgive if it was him breaking up with you and you weren’t together at the time.

I also wonder who or how many women he kissed or went further with that he didn’t tell you about during the same time period.

I suspect he might have said he forgave you but this little nugget was just stored away for the future if ever you decided to climb out of your box.

Either he has forgiven you and trusts you or he hasn’t and doesn’t.
If the latter then I would question whether your marriage can be saved

I read threads on here about people who are depressed, stressed or suffer with anxiety and sometimes wonder if it is the people in their lives who cause them to be depressed and stressed with anxiety.

[upsetandstressed]

There are a million other places of work you can try first.

No, there are 2 others.