Partner upset at me; huge row - did I do anything wrong here?

[upsetandstressed]

Partner and I haven't been getting on for a while, we have a young toddler and both work FT, no outside help. There's a lot of stress and we argue frequently. So I've lost perspective and was hoping people could help and tell me if I deserve to have been made to feel as shit as he has made me feel today.

The backstory to this is that my job is no longer suitable, for either me or the family, due to the stress it causes. This is because of a combination of; the commute is 1 hour and with childcare drop off / pick up it's becoming unmanageable (nursery is close to my work so I do them all) and the nature of the team and the work. For these reasons my job is having a negative impact on my mental health and well-being and consequently our family, as I'm always exhausted and low in mood, sometimes irritable and snappy, because I'm just bloody exhausted and unhappy.

So: while DP was at work this morning and toddler was napping I looked at new jobs. I decided to take some initiative, pull myself out of my hole of low mood and self doubt, and have a look what's out there. I came across something that would be ideal, both in terms of the nature of the work, the person named on the advert (I've been managed by this person previously in a different role and she was fantastic), and also importantly, in terms of the commute which would be half an hour instead of an hour. Salary is the same and there is scope for progression. There's also a really good nursery 5 minutes from the workplace. DP and I could also share the nursery drop offs and pick ups whereas we can't currently due to the location of the nursery relative to DP's job. I was excited to hear more about the role, so I called them for a chat.

I spoke with my ex manager - it was lovely and she was very positive about my chances, saying that my skills would be really well suited. She encouraged me to apply. I ended the call feeling more positive than I've done in months. I looked up the nearby nursery, and called them to ask whether they had spaces and what the waiting list might be etc. They too were lovely and the news was positive - there's spaces for our DC's age group should we want it. I said of course this is hypothetical currently as I don't have the job yet, I'm considering applying, but what are the chances that space might still be available in a few months time? She said highly likely. I ended this call also feeling very positive. I actually cried after the calls, because I felt for the first time in months that I really could try to turn this shit situation around for the family.

DP called me on his lunch break from work. We chatted about other stuff and I then mentioned the job advert to him. The instant i mentioned the name of the place, he changed towards me. One word answers and not really saying anything. I continued, saying I'd spoken with my previous manager and she was positive etc, and I was excited to apply. Again, one word grunts back. I asked "what's the matter?" He said he would call me back later. Call ended.

I then received a text: "the job sounds fine, I have no issue with it. It's where it's at and who is there I have an issue with".

Then it clicked. Honestly - this hadn't even entered my head as all I'd been focussed on was the job and improving life for both me and our family.

My ex worked there - albeit in an entirely different department to the one I the job is at, and I have absolutely no idea if he still works there or not as I haven't spoken to him in around 4 years. The reason DP has an issue with this is that, 4 years ago we had a break in our relationship and I ended up meeting with my ex and kissing him (nothing more). I told DP about this that same day as I felt so bad about it. It was mistake, a one off mistake, and I confessed as soon as I saw him. We talked, me moved on. It was 4 years ago. It hasn't been mentioned since. I literally have no idea if my ex is still with this particular company!

I didn't even get a chance to tell DP about my conversations with the manager or the nursery, he just wasn't interested as soon as he heard the name of the company. He just made it all about him and the fact that he cannot get past that my ex was (and maybe still is, but neither of us know for sure) working there. This should have been a positive and exciting conversation about how we can improve family life, and my well-being which has taken such a battering recently with poor physical and mental health. He's seen me at rock bottom recently, totally burnt out, struggling badly - my job and the daily commute being a huge factor contributing to this.

It took a lot for me to make the call and find the confidence in myself to take that step. I was hoping he'd be supportive and excited for me. And he's just shit on it. Because of a past issue with one person who may or may not still work there, that we moved past FOUR years ago and has not been mentioned since?!

AIBU, or is DP justified in shitting all over this and refusing to listen to me about it?

[upsetandstressed]

He's on his way home now.
Honestly don't know how this is going to go down. Dreading it. The end point is always that I feel like I've done something wrong.

All I wanted to do was try to better my own mental health and my work situation, for the benefit of the family as much as me. And so I can be a better mum. Those things were my only focus when I made those calls this morning.

So why am I now sitting here convinced I've done something terrible?

[Travis1]

Your writing style and situation is very easy to pick out oP. This man is a cunt. He is not going to change. Do what’s right for you and DD and the sooner you get rid of this ‘man’ the better

[Newuser82]

@MolliciousIntent

...I'd be pretty upset if my husband was super excited about getting to work at a place where an ex, who they'd been with while we were having relationship struggles, worked, tbh. It would make me feel very uncomfortable and on edge and I'd find it hard to get on board with that.

Yes, I would too I'm afraid.

[FreudayNight]

@Soontobe60

I’m afraid if I were your DH I’d be equally pissed off. The only way I would be happy at this would be if I knew the ex didn't still work there. Maybe you need to phone your friend and ask!

and if you were my partner you would be told to grow up and stop being so horrible.

Think what your saying

1. You have a chance of less stress. My answer is NO.
2. You have the chance of more time. NO.
3. You have a chance of progression. NO
4. My jealousy and unreasonableness will be the core of our relationship.

OP. Apply for the job and just keep repeating what he’s asking of you. Who the hell does he think he is.

[MadameOvary]

I haven't read the other threads, but leaving you on the anniversary of your mother's death is the work of a real arsehole. That he was so cold about it is another red flag.

As for always being blameless, well I'd happily hand you a LTB just for that. Two people cannot have a balanced relationship where one refuses to accept responsibility for their actions.

As for the kiss? Well I might feel the same as him. But that would be my problem and I'd just have to trust you.

[FlissyPaps]

So why am I now sitting here convinced I've done something terrible?

Because he is manipulative and abusive. He gaslights you.

He wants you to feel convinced you’ve done something terrible. He will continue to manipulate you for the rest of your relationship. Please leave him.

[HaroldDemure]

Actually, OP you BOTH have a hell of a lot to lose if you divorce. You think life is bad now, how are you going to cope as a single mother trying to juggle a job, childcare, living off one salary etc because that is what is likely to happen.

People on here seem to think you have to win. You shouldn'tstay just to live in an unhappy marriage but the only way you win is if you both win. Otherwise you both lose.

[LivingDeadGirlUK]

Take the job and loose the 'D'P.

I know its not as easy as that but my first though is why are you using a nursery near your work when you have a 1 hour commute, I assume because he won't do drop off/pick up if its near your house.

He isn't happy for you looking for a less stressful job, he is just focused on his feelings. Sounds all a bit pointless OP. If he can't see that you desperately need a change then there is no point continuing the relationship. If you have to do everything at least do it on your terms.

[SirChenjins]

@Newuser82

Yes, I would too I'm afraid.

Presumably neither of you would behave like this man does though.

If you would then your discomfort would be deserved.

[tara66]

If you want to find out if ex still works at company - try phoning it and ask to speak to Mr. Myex.

[Mumspair1]

@Soontobe60

I’m afraid if I were your DH I’d be equally pissed off. The only way I would be happy at this would be if I knew the ex didn't still work there. Maybe you need to phone your friend and ask!

I think so too. You broke his trust with this person, and there's no guarantee you won't do it again. Surely you can see and understand that?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Its the way he has twisted this is so chilling.

He dumped you on a very difficult day for you and then turned ice cold
You, at that point very much single, snogged an ex once.
He cannot now trust you ever again because you might go off with said ex
You however are not allowed to mistrust him and his treatment of you, his love for you (hint, he doesnt love you) and his demands.

You did what you did as a result of HIS actions but he says it is YOUR fault he doesnt trust you. No, it is his fault and his problem but I suspect that you will, as always allow it to become your problem and give up on a fantastic opportunity. I BEG you not to do that, please. For your child if not for you, this is not a relationship model your child should be learning from. Things must change for your childs sake if no one elses.

[itsgettingweird]

@upsetandstressed

@Frazzledmum123

Equally, he has entirely dismissed my own feelings, has he not? He wouldn't even hear me out. Just ended the call. I feel completely dismissed myself.

You're missing the point.

You were the one who kissed an ex during a break in your relationship.

So right now you have to put his feelings first about this. That's not to say you shouldn't push a discussion or even go for it and see what happens in your relationship as a result.

But how you feel is second to his feelings in this situation.

[HaroldDemure]

Can you try telling him that this evening?

I hope you understand I am on your side and am trying to help you achieve what you want and to improve your marriage. I really don't think the "dump him" brigade are doing you any favours at all.

[AchatAVendre]

@Mumspair1

I think so too. You broke his trust with this person, and there's no guarantee you won't do it again. Surely you can see and understand that?

She didn't "break his trust" -they weren't together. He dumped her and then they got back together again. At the point with the ex, she was single. I don't know what these men think happens when they initiate these "breaks" - perhaps they think the woman has to go celibate in some kind of holding pattern indefinitely while they see if they can find anyone else/get their kicks/shag someone else.

He initiated the break. Presumably if this guy can actually not manage to dump the OP again, then he won't manage to create the situation where she is single and free to kiss other men.

I wonder what he got up to during this "break"...

[CourtneeLuv]

@upsetandstressed

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination

You can not believe me all you like. I did not think of my ex when saw the advert and made those calls - I thought of my lovely ex manager and how I'd loved working with her. I thought of the lovely nearby nursery where my friend takes her little one, it has an excellent reputation. I thought of halving my commute and not sobbing every morning and evening with sheer exhaustion. I thought of sharing drop offs and pick ups with my partner and not feeling burdened with that every single day.

And like I say, there are 3 suitable jobs in my profession within a 20 mile radius of where I live. This is one of them. I didn't cherry pick the place where my ex who I kissed 4 years ago used to work. It's an insult to suggest I did.

Have you applied to those two other jobs as well?

[SirChenjins]

@upsetandstressed

He's on his way home now.
Honestly don't know how this is going to go down. Dreading it. The end point is always that I feel like I've done something wrong.

All I wanted to do was try to better my own mental health and my work situation, for the benefit of the family as much as me. And so I can be a better mum. Those things were my only focus when I made those calls this morning.

So why am I now sitting here convinced I've done something terrible?

Because you have been ground down by this man - that’s the way that abusive relationships function. The person on the receiving end of the abuse starts to doubt themselves and becomes convinced that they are to blame and that it’s somehow their fault. It is not your fault OP - stand strong and do not let this bully grind you down. You’re doing the right thing by starting the ball rolling and looking for another job - you will get through this and you will come out the other side a happier person as a result. Your MH is suffering because of him - never forget that.

[NoSquirrels]

This has literally just happened today, yes?

If so, he’s allowed to have an instinctive reaction.

If he then tries to justify that reaction and stop you applying, then he’s a shit.

But it sounds like he’s a shit generally, tbh, if what other posters are saying is true.

Tonight just tell him you’ll be applying for the job, and you’ll see what happens. No more no less.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@Mumspair1

I think so too. You broke his trust with this person, and there's no guarantee you won't do it again. Surely you can see and understand that?

Where do you get that from?!

He. Had. Left. Her.
She. Was. Single.

As such, as much as he might not like her seeing her ex, he has no right to complain about what a single woman did after he had ended their relationship and before they got back together. She could have shagged the England Team and it would be nothing to do with her ex. I never understand pepople who get pissed off with people acting single when they are single, he didnt want to be with her and someone else did, tough titties.

The only mistakes the OP made was a) telling him and b) getting back with him.

[MyneighbourisTotoro]

Honestly OP (this may sound rude) but I don’t know how you even still with him. I’ve read your previous posts and his general behaviour and attitude to you is just awful.

[FlissyPaps]

@HaroldDemure

Actually, OP you BOTH have a hell of a lot to lose if you divorce. You think life is bad now, how are you going to cope as a single mother trying to juggle a job, childcare, living off one salary etc because that is what is likely to happen.

People on here seem to think you have to win. You shouldn'tstay just to live in an unhappy marriage but the only way you win is if you both win. Otherwise you both lose.

Where has the OP said she’s married ?????

Why should she stay with a manipulative bully?

[FreudayNight]

@Mumspair1

I think so too. You broke his trust with this person, and there's no guarantee you won't do it again. Surely you can see and understand that?

Not at all, actually. Broke his trust, my arse!

they were broken up, he had no rights to anything, and as for four years later, after a child together, GTF.

[OutOnTheHills]

Hmm ... I always do the role reversal thing. How would I feel if partner was working in same company as his ex. Honestly? ... I'd hate it! I totally understand your reasons for wanting this new job, could you not find out if ex is still there? If he is, and bearing in mind life hasn't been great for current relationship (albeit due to work stress), that will also reinforce your partners uneasiness.
Try discussing how unhappy you've been, I hope it all works out for the best.

[Goldpaw]

@upsetandstressed

He's on his way home now.
Honestly don't know how this is going to go down. Dreading it. The end point is always that I feel like I've done something wrong.

All I wanted to do was try to better my own mental health and my work situation, for the benefit of the family as much as me. And so I can be a better mum. Those things were my only focus when I made those calls this morning.

So why am I now sitting here convinced I've done something terrible?

You haven't done anything terrible, OP! You've used your initiative to get out of the rut you're in.

I could understand if the organisation had 30-odd people in it, but since it's massive, no. He's being completely unreasonable.

And how dare he?! He initiated a break, you were so devastated by it you sought solace, one kiss, with an ex. and told him about it when you got back together.

It sounds like he wants it all about him. He decides, his voice matters, he has the final say.

Go for this job OP, and if he continues to try and dictate your life, think about what that means and if you want that for the rest of your life.

[NaturalBae]

I’ve not read your other threads, but it sounds like you need to apply for this job with better progression opportunities and potentially future 65K salary. This a definitely a no brainer as your current job is negatively affecting your mental health and being on 65K as single parent would be a great place to be one day.

It seems like you need to go down the single parent route if your partner/DH is treating you badly and/or not willing to support you with the raising of your shared child (including nursery drop offs/collections and parenting responsibilities),