To feel confused at teachers response?

[olimin]

Hi all, first time posting. Thought I'd get a bit more perspective from other parents.

DC started reception today. It's day two And the kids are going in for half days the next week to get settled in.

DC's never attended nursery. He's also late summer born so is a lot younger than most of the kids in his class.

Feedback I've gotten for the past couple days from teachers has been that he's struggling to follow instructions, is persistent in doing his own thing and playing despite being told to join the rest of the class, repeatedly trying to leave the classroom and rarely responding to his name being called.

The teacher even insinuated that he might have special needs (which I know for certain he does not). The only positive she's mentioned is that he seems to be very bright.

I thought that reception was about getting kids to learn to follow rules and get used to school structure and routine.

Did any of your kids go through something like this? Should I be worried? He always responds to his name at home and with persistent instructions does what he's told. To me he seems stubborn and strong willed. Don't know what to do.

You say he can follow "persistent" instructions at home.

How often are you asking him to stop what he is doing and do something he doesnt want to do? Is he used to being told what to do by grown ups and knowing that he must do as he is told?

Did you talk to him before starting school about the importance of doing as the teacher asked?

Reception is slightly about getting used to school but most children these days have attended some form of setting and are able to follow instructions/rules by starting school. The teacher will want to get cracking with reading and maths by half term.

Op, you sound very defensive to me, and that perhaps you are going to find it hard to adjust to your DC going to school.

Multiple people have asked why he didn’t go to nursery but you haven’t answered this. It is unusual these days and perhaps suggests you haven’t wanted him to mix and socialise for whatever reason. No doubt, him not going means he hasn’t learned some of the behaviours you’d expect of a 4 year old, but also that perhaps you haven’t been exposed to what is considered the norm for 4 year olds either. Therefore, oerhaos it’s hard for you to have a sense of if what he has been doing is a concern or not.

I would say, that the teacher spoke to you because she had a concern. I would see that as a positive not a negative. Too often people say schools do t raise things. The fact it’s so soon might indicate that the behaviour was really quite concerning. It doesn’t help your boy to decide that the teacher was out of line to speak to you. A question was asked of you, not a judgement made. When children enter reception, the more info the school and teacher have about them the better they can support the child. As your child hasn’t been to nursery, the teacher doesn’t have the feedback from a nursery. They have less info than on other children and the teacher is simply trying to build a picture to help understand his context so she can support him.

You can decide to be defensive and feel the teacher is out of line and not engage with school. That might be your gut response, but to be honest it isn’t what will help your DS. Open communication about his background and a willingness to listen and consider what is said to you is really important. Yes, you know your DS best, but especially if he hasn’t spent much time with other children his age and you haven’t seen them, you should be open to the possibility that there is something to consider in what the teacher asks.

Regardless you want him to have a happy and productive time at school. You want to help him learn the behaviours that are needed and to start to address the behaviours that don’t really work, or work with the teacher to gradually help him do that. You are on the same side and want the best for him. Don’t see the teacher as the enemy, but your ally.

It could be that within a few days, he is up to speed and has adjusted. Great. Or it could be that some of his behaviours are more deep-seated than being due to not having been to nursery. It’s never easy for parents to start thinking about those issues, especially if they have had no concerns previously. You’re not at that stage yet. The teacher wasn’t saying she thought he had SEN. But, his behaviours might have been explained by having these, which is why she asked. Sometimes children have already been diagnosed before school, but the info hasn’t got through. The fact she spoke to you should be taken as meaning it’s something to engage with, not feel hostile about. And it sounds like both you and DS might not be quite up to speed about what reception is about or some of the expectations on arrival. This can easily be remedied with good communication. Work with them. I can see why this surprised you, if you have never genuinely thought his behaviour was anything different to the normal 4 year old. But now you need to work with school to help him settle and them to support him. They will want to do that and can do it better if you work with them. That could just be some slight adjustments for someone who hasn’t beeen in a formal setting before, or might be something more. But you want him to have whatever support is needed, rather than decide that it’s all crap and interfering busybodying.

I don't agree with all the posters implying that a child who hasn't been to nursery is somehow deprived.

It's not that he has been deprived.

It simply means he won't already know the 'classroom' type rules, such as circle or carpet time, listening to other children when they're talking, possibly taking turns with peers (very different than with adults), joining in with whole class/larger group activities, following a teacher's instructions, etc.

That's why it's really important the teachers and LSAs know he hasn't had a class/school/nursery type experience.

OP, did the school visit you at home where you got the chance to chat with the teacher and for them to see him in his home setting?

I'm a teacher and know from experience that children who have had no nursery can be challenging starting reception. However, teachers and parents need to work together on this, it must be awful hearing negative things about your son. I would be honest and say you're upset and ask what you can do together to help ie reward chart etc. It's very early days so nobody should expect transition to be so quick, it takes time, hence the settling in periods. Try not to get despondent, talk to the teacher and hopefully there will be progress.

Hearing can be different in different settings. Just because he responds to a whisper it isn’t to say he hears muffles with lots of noise. No harm in getting it checked. I got my sons checked for similar reasons and it turned out fine but I’m more someone who wants to have all of the information at hand to make informed decisions ..

I think she has been scared off.

If it were me, I would want more information. I think most 4yo would respond to their name in some way, even if it wasn't the desired response. If he's showing no response at all on most occasions, I would think that was a bit concerning. I'd also say that repeatedly trying to leave the class is a concern. The teacher will likely have a good baseline for what is within the ranges of "normal" behaviour for this age group, and she obviously has some concerns.

If it were me, I'd try to sort out a time to have a longer conversation on Monday to talk through her concerns in more detail.

I do think reception, especially early on, helps children get used to school routines and being part of a large class- but to me, this is things like learning how to navigate lunch in the hall, going into assembly with the older children, learning how to answer a register, how to sit quietly on the carpet whilst the teacher is talking, how to sit at a desk and complete a short task etc. I think answering to their own name isn't a "school routine".

I think repeatedly trying to leave the room, and not engaging with the other children could be a sign of lots of things, but it's probably not a sign he is happy at school, and it's something I'd want to explore further.

I had a similiar experience when DD started nursery. She is an August baby. Teacher said she didn't follow instructions was behind with speech and toileting and heavily implied she might be autistic. I told her I was not concerned about her development and whilst I respected her professional opinion, she did not see DD at home. I declined her repeated attempts to make us attend speech and language therapy. DD is starting reception next week and I'm perfectly happy with her development. She is also toilet trained now which I knew she would do in her own time. I think there's far too much pressure on very young children these days and if your son has never been in a school environment before it will all seem very alien to him.

No intelligent ones !

It sounds like your son has not been in a setting before where he is actually expected to do what he's asked. You say that at home you have to ask him a lot before he does what you ask. The teacher does not have the time for that. I think you need to help him respond immediately. I wonder if he heard the teacher, didn't fancy what she asked and, like he does at home, he ignored it. It's early days but I expect you can best help by reinforcing the need to do what adults ask of him. This will make school less of an overwhelming transition for him.

sounds to me like the child may just need a few weeks to settle in ? there are many kids of 4 and 5 who missed out on nursery time due to covid who are now entering reception and having to learn about sitting still, listening etc perhaps for the first time. I think that it is way too early for that teacher to be saying anything to you about this OP except perhaps just to ask that you re-iterate at home, what's expected of the child at school in terms of behaviour when to sit down, stop playing and pay attention so that your child settles in quickly. I'd ignore her other comments for now.

Have you had his hearing tested?

Honestly welcome the feedback as at least you know.

When my august baby started pre school 2 weeks after turning 3, about 2 weeks in the key worker spoke to me about his speech. She said he should be articulating his words better. I was a little upset as I kind of knew but didn't think it was a problem. Anyway, we got his hearing tested, which was fine and then got referred to speech therapy of which he only needed 2-3 sessions. He's now an extremely well spoken, articulate 11 year old and starts high school on Tuesday.

I'm grateful the teacher took time to speak to me otherwise I'd have through it was something he would grow out of.

I'm going to be in a similar situation when my just turned 4 yo daughter starts reception on Monday. She is far less developmentally mature than children who have been to nursery. I'm almost regretting not sending her. I might see how she gets on in the settling in period and take her out if she's not happy... I'm really really dreading it. I agree that teacher sounds like she's jumping to conclusions if she did mean to suggest special needs!

My child was terrified of the lunch hall, she begged me not to make her go back because of the lunch hall. She had a school dinner one day and that’s it. It gave her some comfort to take packed lunch and she has ever since.

I do think the teacher is being way too presumptuous here as it’s so early on.

i competition disagree with other posts regarding sen issues. Summer borns are something like 20% more likely to get labeled with sen issues when really they are just younger than everyone else. This is also more prevalent in boys.

You then also get into the fact he never went to nursery which i do think is a detriment to young children. They learn to communicate with different adults, play with other children and understand structure.

If it persists though i would take him out and re enrol him next September in Reception as you are completely entitled too having a summer born.

Where are people getting these sats of summer born being “labelled” more often.
What do people even mean by labelling?

Any parent with a child with SeN (particularly neurodiversity) will tell you that the diagnosis process is long and arduous. You don’t just get a diagnosis of ASD/ADHD from a class teacher. You have to go through screening to even get onto the diagnosis process.

I have a summer born premmie and I have to say the opposite was my experience. There was a lot of “summer born/premmie” can take time let’s just observe - which we did. By 7 it was clear there were issues that weren’t resolving and we started the diagnosis process.

I reckon it's pretty normal considering covid and the lack 9f social interaction the kids have had. My daughter is a bit younger than your DC and she ignores me a lot of the time. She is very willful.

People mean summer born pupils are more likely to be added to the SEN register, for which a diagnosis isn’t necessary.

Here, here and here are a couple of articles about the issue, they also reference the research behind the stats.

From the teacher's point of view, it's quite rare for a 4yo to already have an EHCP and all the formal paperwork fully in place. There will be children in that class with SEND, whose parents are well aware and in the process of testing, but that info might not have got through to the class teacher.

So I wouldn't take it as some sort of personal insult. Take it more as an admin type question, the teacher is being thorough, and checking they have all the pertinent information right from the off.

FWIW the behaviour you describe is quite unusual, especially trying to run out of the room repeatedly. I would absolutely keep an open mind about additional needs. It may well be that you know him so well that you automatically make adjustments for him without realising it. (people with ASD and/or ADHD aren't a totally separate subspecies of human! They're just regular people who might need a bit more support in certain situations)

Are you sure it's possible to re-start reception next year? That would be perfect for my daughter

Imagine labelling a child ‘SEN’ after two days of school. A child who has never been to nursery as well.

OP, your son is probably horrified that this is his new reality, especially if he is used to being at home and doing as he likes. He’ll get over it eventually, as all kids do.

I bet the teacher moans about him all year, mind you. In my experience, they don’t like to be proved wrong.

Yes that would be awful. Thankfully it also appears to have not been what this teacher did.

If it persists though i would take him out and re enrol him next September in Reception as you are completely entitled too having a summer born.

I don’t think you can do this.
You can delay the school start until they turn five if you want, but they then go straight into year one. You can’t hold them back a year.

That was my experience with my eldest 3. They started around age 7 (flexi-schooling) but they were allowed to be kept back a year. Unfortunately. You can do it in America though

I'm a reception teacher in a school that has 2yr old provision - so by the time the children come to me many of them have had almost 3 years to become accustomed to school routines. A child with no experience at all of attending nursery would probably find it difficult to adjust to following group instructions and would be very likely to stand out from the other children in the class. It is very unusual these days for a child not to have started nursery the term after their third birthday, so expectations are a lot higher than you probably realise x