Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

‘Mum, I have had a think about being cut out of your will, as the conversation came as a surprise to me. I am deeply hurt you have made this decision. You are aware of my condition and my inability to work after 55, and anything could happen to me, my marriage and my house in the meantime. An inheritance is not just future financial security, but also your last gift to me as a parent. I think I will struggle to get past it if you go ahead’

Your brothers benefits would be affected, assuming he gets them, so the money could quickly trickle away on maintaining the house and general living without state support. Sounds like a nightmare, poor you. Hope your mum isn’t a gaslighting narcissist! They love drama and making people feel bad 😞

Be treated fairly not equally in my view.

equally isn’t always fair

If I were you I would have an honest conversation with your parents. There’s no point pussy-footing around the issue. What they have proposed is clearly very unfair and I don’t know of any parent who would ever consider doing this to their children.

You and your brother have both made your own ways in life and got where you are. It’s not fair that he should be rewarded for not buying his own house, or that you should be penalised for managing to buy your own home.

50 50 split is the only fair way.

As none of us know what's ahead for our children after we're gone, it's impossible to know what's fair, other than splitting equally.
Illness, the birth of a disabled child, a serious accident, divorce...any of those things could befall the son or daughter that you think is financially the more secure, after your death. Likewise the single one in rented accommodation could meet someone wealthy and end up in a lovely place.

It’s more than this though. No one is entitled to an inheritance to fund things that may or may not happen in the future. I don’t think OP would have posted if her mum had said they were leaving everything to charity. The issue here is that they are doing something so incredibly unfair.

It's absolutely shit of your parents. And why they want to give their house away to an addict who could easily sell it and blow the lot of drink/drugs is beyond me. I'd go no contact with them, OP, or at the very least, pull back and be on civil terms.

I take it should anything happen to them ie dementia, becoming infirm etc, that it would be you who would be expected to care for them? Or at the very least, help them out?

As you have a good RL with your parents I would say something along the lines of "Mum we have always got on well,I hope you dont mind me saying this but I feel quite disappointed in your decision to leave me out of your will." I would like you to reconsider if possible .If your DB is on benefits he will not be allowed these if he has a large sum of money ,do DP know this I wonder.

You can send her one text message explaining your feeling. If she presses ahead I would go very low contact. Absolutely if she is the kind of parent that is emerging from your updates, she will be using the will to manipulate and play games. You have family history of very painful legacies.
I would plan my life expecting nothing from her. Invest the barre minimum into your parents, and focus on ensuring your own prospects are stronger and solid.

I can really relate to your nervousness around your dp. This is a lifetime of unresolved tension.

I am sorry it’s crap
I am fully expecting my parents to do the same.
i have let it go, and focus entirely on my own life - and I don’t think about it. Life can be very unfair but acceptance is key to minimising the emotional fall out.

Please raise this with them, because if your brother has suffered with substance misuse he could sell the house and go on a binge that could seriously harm him. People with addiction issues don’t do well with large sums of cash, and your parents could be setting him up for a terrible future rather than the golden gift they are hoping to give him.

Two thoughts but only if you feel vindictive:

When the subject gets raised again (it will, DM wants a reaction)- haven't I already had my inheritance? when they look blank XYZ condition, I inherited that from you.

Anyway, this gets me out of worrying about sorting your care in the future, DB can deal with all that.

Ignore the sworn to secrecy stuff, it's not legally binding. Tell your DB what your parents are planning. Only fair he should know that you have absolved yourself of any responsibility for sorting their long-term care and that it will fall to him.

Vindictive as I say but not undeserved.

your mum did ask how you would feel so it’s ok to openly tell her, whilst maintaining the line that of course it’s up to them. Then they will have all the considerations they clearly hadn’t thought of available to them and they may take a different tack

My personal view is that to discuss it is being grabby and entitled.

I work on the basis that I'm 100% in control of how I choose to write my will.

However I'm not in control of how anyone else does it.
They might split it equally, or unequally, or give it all to charity.
It's their wealth and their choice.

There's no guarantee that your mum will outlive your dad, in which case she'd have zero control over the estate.

As you have a good RL with your parents I would say something along the lines of "Mum we have always got on well...

What? Have you read op's posts @dottiedodah ?

Oh OP, virtual hug. You are a wonderful person, but your family are not.

I am NC with two emotionally abusive parents and my replacement "Dad" (my Uncle) often behaves in upsetting ways and after getting so wound up for years, I tell him directly how he affects me, always with good results. I don't fear confrontation when there is nothing to lose.

I had counselling in my 30s (I'm in my 50s now) and the Counsellor gave me two good bits of advice.

1. If you met your parents socially as random people would you want them in your life? If no, then why do you you put up with their toxic behaviour? If it's because "they are family" then you have to realise that's the reason toxic families use to justify keeping people like you compliant.

1. Tell them how you feel, in writing. Construct your letter in 3 clear parts. This is what THEY did. This is how THEY make you feel. This what I am going to do about it. In your case you need to be treated respectfully on an equal footing to your Brother. If they won't do that, go NC, along with your non sharing Brother who doesn't care either.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but what they plan to do by leaving you nothing is about more than money, it's about showing their love and acceptance towards you. Who in their right mind would see their child, with a health condition, struggle. Any one who says "their money, they can do what they like with it", well maybe, but it shows them up as utter arseholes.

I hope this is resolved in either you being treated fairly or living your life without them, and instead your loving inlaws. Which I do, and life is 100% improved.

Tempting as it is to write that letter/email/talk to them as some have suggested, that kind of makes the assumption that you're dealing with normal, rational people, which you clearly aren't.

Take this opportunity to have a massive step away from them - low contact, rather than no contact, if that's easier for you. Be a lot less available with your time and assistance.

If you do meet up with them, tell them if you're struggling with paying the mortgage or heating bills or whatever, let them know if your chronic condition is causing you any pain.

Don't invite them for Christmas if you normally do and if there is a present swap, suggest you do cards only this year as you need the money to pay your bills.

Basically take a massive step back. They aren't fools, they will be able to figure out the reason why.

If asked say you're hurt by their decision and although it's their inheritance to leave as they wish, you've realised that you need to prioritise your own family.

Talk to her. Be blunt. She's screwed you over as it is so take the power back and if necessary go no contact.

You are not obligated to put up with other people's nonsense.

If she never speaks to you again it is a loss?

If I were you, I would explain your feelings to them and that things can change in the future and you are worried that although you are ok now, you may not be in future and that it may be fairer to have a 60:40 split or if it's possible to take in to your circumstances at the time when they pass away - i.e. if you are single, then a 50:50 split instead.

I would explain how it's made you feel and how you feel it's unfair as you're essentially being penalised for being responsible, although you can't control what parents do with their money as it is theirs and there is no such thing as entitlement. However their approach does not seem fair and sometimes unfortunately people do lose their marbles as they age...although not sure you can do much about that.

Either leave equivalent inheritance or not at all. Who does that? Sorry you're in this situation. Hope you feel able to talk to your mum heart to heart ❤

You can challenge the will and would be likely to get half. Siblings are legally entitled to equal shares.

That is how I feel.
That is their clear message - they have used money as a weapon to tell me they prefer my Brother, and that I should just sidle into the background.

Someone said earlier about Mother liking a scene, and she would have, she definitely likes a scene. My Brother is an argue-er - in my shoes he would have definitely vented his thoughts immediately

Other people have asked if me or my Brother have children, yes we do, I have one, and my Brother has four

I think you are spot on, she would love it if she realised how much this had hurt me

You could suggest they leave their money directly to grandchildren.
Just mention it in passing as being a very fashionable and far sighted thing to do.