Parents cutting me out of will

[JoshuaTree36]

HI guys

I will try and keep this brief, as I know how what it is like trying to read a wall of text but facts will be accurate

I am one of two siblings, and me and my brother are both in our 30s now and both of us have a relationship with our parents

I have worked since I left school. (I do not expect any awards for this btw lol) but it is how I expected to be. I have an inherited health condition that has made this a real struggle at times (and I don't expect sympathy either) I am happy with my life, and am married. We brought our house through blood sweat and tears same as everyone else

My brother I love dearly btw, none of this is a jibe at him. Brother has rarely worked i.e worked for short periods in-between addiction and substance issues, is twice divorced and lives alone now in a council flat in a high rise. Again, I am not having a dig at my bro, just merely painting a picture of the situation. Bro is a good person and we get on well. My Brother would give me his last penny if i needed it

Last week, out of the blue, My Mum told me that they are planning to leave their house to my Brother, in their Will as it is 'ok for me, as I own a house'.

I was shocked at this as you can imagine, and Mum asked me how I would feel. I literally was on the backfoot and said 'You do whatever you think is right' and I stand by that, as I feel that I should not be pointing out to them what to do.

Maybe my face gave me away and Mum said 'oh i can tell you are not happy ' but I insisted, this is a surprise conversation, and they need to do what they think is right so she said this is what we have decided and that was that.

My main issue is, they are doing this on the basis that I own a house (with my Husband obviously) so they assume I will be set up forever.

However, as i mentioned before I have an inherited health condition where no one that I know of, in my family (who have inherited it) has been able to continue working past age 55 due the declining issues it causes. My Brother does not have this condition, which I am grateful for truly

Plus , just because me and my husband are happy now, we could split up in two years for example, and me end up out on my ear. or stuck with mortgage i cant afford to pay

I feel properly pee'd off about this. I will not be raising this with them, and I was sworn to secrecy so my Brother does not know what he apparently, has coming to him. To top it off, it is unlikely my Brother would want to live there, as they live in quite a remote location

How would you feel? AIBU?

This OP

You need to talk again or this will fester.

And I'd include the line "I don't have a house, I have a mortgage. Which I pay on almost minimum wage. Brother has a secure roof over his head for the rest of his life"

This is bloody hard when you have spent a lifetime of obligation and guilt dealing with your toxic mother. You have a perfect opportunity to step away from your parents now. Your mother is playing the ageing narcissist's game of using her will to divide and conquer. Just leave them to it. No dramatics, no letters -she'd love that.
Just walk away with minimum contact. Toxic parents ruin peoples lives. You are lucky you have a supportive DH and ILs. What's she going to do? Cut you out of her will?

It’s outrageous but I think you handled it in such a classy way! Sounds like she would have enjoyed a scene

No real advice OP, but just want to give you a hug.

Agree completely with Leaffy upthread - this sounds like a golden child/scapegoat situation, compounded by a narcissistic and misogynist parent and her enabler. These parents are not "on your side" as they should be. I know a bit of what that is like, and it is so painful to come to terms with.
You have made a good life for yourself with your DH and DC, so focus on them, and leave the toxic parents at a very distant arm's length. Not because of the will but because proximity to them and relationship with them is harmful for you.
First though, maybe you could set out in a letter as someone has advised? your thoughts on the will, particularly that you may have future needs because of not working after middle age. Hope you get this resolved OP and that you have a happy life.

I would just take it as the parents telling me they didn't like me very much, and preferred the brother. They don't care about your future, your potential illness, how hard you have had to work. They just prefer your brother. He is clearly the attention seeking one and they like that, whereas you have just got on quietly with having a useful life.

Cut them off and see if they run about after you, if not, leave them. Do not run around after them when they need care/are lonely. Birthday and Christmas cards and the occasional phone call twice a year if it makes you feel better. If they start on about not hearing from you often enough, just say something like "But when you explained that you were cutting me out of the will, I just assumed thats because you preferred (DB) and didn't want me to bother you".

It's very unlike me to say this, but given the person that she's always been to you, I absolutely would walk away when she needs support. If your brother doesn't step up, then I'm afraid she should have to cope.

I'm in the obverse situation, almost. My brother is the one doing the vast majority of supporting our highly difficult mother. Simply due to his proximity and my geographical distance, though o did everything I'm able to do at a distance. I had a huge row with her on the phone the other week, when she told me that she was disinheriting him in my favour (which would actually leave him homeless, though I won't go into the long explanation around that).

If she does that, I will absolutely put that right on her death. I've not told my brother because I don't want to hurt him. She outright told me that she doesn't love him. He doesn't need to know that.

However, he has already withdrawn significantly from the amount of support he gives her (she has carers who are only too aware of how she treats him, so they are helping him minimise contact) and I will continue to encourage him to go very very minimum contact.

I'd be really hurt and probably really nasty in response. So they leave your addict brother everything and you get nothing from them but a life threatening disease? Not even a loving supportve relationship. Fucking stellar parents aren't they?

And what are her expectations around care that she might need when she's older? Because you won't be doing it, will you?

That pretty naff of them. They should split tit between the two of you, regardless of circumstances.
My parents have split their assets between my db and me. Db still lives at home, so he’ll either have to buy me out or sell up. It’s his own fault he hasn’t bought anywhere, he’s very lazy.
If they bring it up again, please speak up. Your dps are not thinking correctly as he’s been an addict.

That’s sad

no one should expect to inherit

but equally wills from parents are usually split between children

I would feel pissed off and upset

you have worked hard and go a home

Given all the updates on what your mum is like, I’d say to her mum about the other day and your will. I see you’ve chosen to follow in grans footsteps, whcih is totally your call. What you do need to understand is if you leave everything to my brither, I will not be able or willing ti help him out after he’s spent ot all /shot it all up. He won’t live there if you were harbouring delusions about that, he will sell your house in a shot and then blow everything he got for it. I just need to be clear with you on that now so I don’t feel like I’m letting you down after you’re gone when I can’t help him.

OP, if you say nothing to your DM this will eat away at you. She may well not change her mind, but at least you will have said your piece and been honest. Why should you keep quiet? Please stand up for yourself here. Your DM sounds like a real charmer, and you have every right to tell her how you feel.
I would arrange to meet her somewhere, tell her how you feel and why, then leave her to it. Don’t get drawn into an argument with her - take your DH for support.

@JoshuaTree36 by the sounds of it your DM raised the subject to provoke a reaction. However you responded would have been wrong in her eyes. Your neutral 'do what you want' reaction' will have annoyed her because she was wanting you to display upset.

Assume you have been cut out of the will.

Don't be surprised if she raises the subject again. She wants a reaction. You dont have to give her one.

Also don't be surprised if she nominates you as executor (ie do all the work) with only DB as beneficiary. This is something you can opt out of.

I would be annoyed, but sounds like you dealt with it very well.

The problem is as parents we just want to see our children secure. In your parents heads you are ok, your brother isn't and so they need to try and ensure he is.

But this situation is exactly why I tell people (I'm a lawyer) keep things simple. 3 kids split 3 ways. You can't weigh up issues in the past nor predict the future.

I am in a better financial position than my sisters, but both have chosen to remain at home with children as both spouses have good jobs. That's their decision as is mine, but I would feel it unfair if my parents then left everything to them saying "well you are better off".

YANBU to be surprised or upset but YABU to want them to change their will.
I think they are trying to support their DC who struggles most and who they worry about most. They don't worry about you because, regardless of all the hypothetical problems you can conjure up for the future, they believe you will always cope because you always have.
We had similar in our family. But I realised that it doesn't mean they love you less. It means they're responding to who both their children are and not who they'd want them to be. Maybe you can take comfort from knowing they think you're capable.

had a chat with my dad last weekend and he mentioned my sister moving in to help look after mum, and also because they were worried about the rent going up. the other two children of theirs (me and one other) both have houses with mortgages.

I'm ok with the idea of wanting potentially to leave the house to my sister as she doesn't have one and has always rented (DF house has mortgage paid off now) but he did point out about being fair to the other two of us.

Not sure how we'd approach that - some kind of trust or shared ownership maybe? I don't want to sell the house and split the money, I'd want my sister to be able to live there.. But having some kind of trust and then we could leave to our children?

Also don't be surprised if she nominates you as executor (ie do all the work) with only DB as beneficiary. This is something you can opt out of.

I'd agree.

I'd be wary of a letter or e-mail as it can be used against you - shown to people to prove how awful you are - it might be worth a conversation but as I think it's been raised to cause problems I'd still suggest ignoring and getting as much emotional distance as possible with as little drama as possible.

The problem is as parents we just want to see our children secure. In your parents heads you are ok, your brother isn't and so they need to try and ensure he is.
Nah. This is the latest in a pattern of behaviour. For OP's sake, I hope that it is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

If you do feel the need to talk about this, OP, to make your feelings known to your parents then I suggest that you talk to your father. Just him, not your mother because that will fall on deaf ears.

I wonder if your mum has really thought about the reality of your brother owning their house. It doesn't sound like he could afford the upkeep or, possibly even the bills on a family home. By which time his flat would be long gone with a long waiting list.

Lovely thought of other posters that he could split it with you, but if he's on benefits and it's willed to him he can't or he would be in trouble for giving money away and intentionally depriving himself of money to live off when he reclaimed.

And what if he sells it? A former addict who doesn't relapse on receipt of a large sum of money is rare.

It's also not that uncommon for parents to do this. MN posters can be very materialistic. They definitely equate money and inheritances with love. But not all families do.
In every family where this has happened in RL, the siblings were also worried about the chaotic sibling and them inheriting the house meant it was one less worry.

I think they have been rather thoughtless. If anything they should be giving you more money if they have had to help brother out financially over the years. At the least it should be split evenly between you. Even if you sold the house it would surely give him a deposit or a good financial buffer and it may mean financial security for you when you are older.

I don't think so. Everyone who has ever had a mortgage knows how fickle the world of work can be and how easily you can lose your house if you don't make repayments. Or how hard you have to work, with no gaps in paid employment, to make sure the mortgage is paid.

Giving someone money in return for no work and a feckless lifestyle does not equate at all with supporting someone who "struggles" - its simply rewarding someone who can't be bothered to work or save money because they know they have their parents wrapped round their little finger.

Echo making it quite clear that you will not act as executor and that you are disappointed by being cut out of your parents' will.

I would have said something along the same lines as you i.e. "Its your money, you must do what you think is appropriate" - however, unlike you I would have added a 'but' i.e. that whilst my financial situation is better than my brother's it is by no means rock solid (for the reasons you describe), also that this decision feels like they are favouring him and also feels like a rejection. Because quite frankly, what kind of a relationship is it if you can't be honest?

You are definitely not being unreasonable, my mum was in completely opposite position,divorced single mum having to move from private rental to private rental at landlords whim(selling up) While my uncle and family had a six bedroom large home,villa in spain ,etc etc.
After my grandparents died my mum found out they'd left their home and money to uncle and left her nothing.This was after years of mum helping them through Ill health while having debilitating conditions herself.
In my opinion,inheritance should be equal no matter how each sibling is situated,its the only fair way.
Luckily there'll be no arguments between my siblings and I as my mum has nothing to leave.