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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting HIM to do school run?

771 replies

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:36

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:44

He used to have a job and make a wage. The shop takes him away 12 hours a day and makes a loss. He has lots of debt. He never sees his children. Not sure if this is working out for him and his family…

ReneBumsWombats · 02/09/2022 14:45

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 14:38

She also says that he's got a different income which he pays 40% from, he may be paying his debts off with that as well

I can't keep up with all the income streams, ratios and breadwinning SAHPs.

Tubs11 · 02/09/2022 14:47

You need to sit down and come up with a better co-parenting strategy with your DH

Yes, you should do the school runs due to his unsociable working hours and you being home between 9-3pm, but that does not mean you should be doing everything within the house. My marriage would not survive if my DH only did 2 drop offs and take the bins out. On those drop off days he needs to do some household tasks when he wakes up

RaRaRaspoutine · 02/09/2022 14:48

Does your DH sell precious things in the shop?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2022 14:49

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 14:03

I do not work in the sex trade or drug trade and I am not in receipt of benefits .

I am the main provider . My income is more than his and hence I pay 60% of the household costs and he contributes 40%.

i do 95% of everything within the home and the kids. He has no responsibility apart from the bins and taking child to school.

it’s clear people think because I’m not grafting 12 hours a day for my income that I must do absolute everything… I don’t agree .

I’ve spoken to my husband today and moving forward I’m going to do all pick ups as normal but will also do three morning drops and he can do two.

i refuse to do everything when he absolutely does very little .

back to the obsession on income and money … No comment .

Tbh op I don't get why he's taken on a business with young kids that's hours means he never sees them OR you AND earns him no money AND he's unable to do anything around the house. That would be a deal breaker

Cherchezlaspice · 02/09/2022 14:49

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 14:09

Oh and on a personal level I am interested to know how someone with no job earns more then someone working a full time job. This could be life changing for me

😂😂😂

Sepiarose · 02/09/2022 14:50

Me and my husband work full time at quite high pressured, intense professions and we have young kids. Sometimes I feel at absolute breaking point that I can't get anything done in the home and I have to use every spare minute in even evenings evenings at weekend's catching up with everything. Husband does his fair share too, as we both work. Sometimes I cry from sheer tiredness. I'd love to even cut down my hours but I can't.

Recently I went for a smear test and honestly it felt like a break. How sad is that! No intense demands, no catching up on all the housework or looking after children. If I had 6 hours free to get jobs done each day with a little peace and quiet, I would take your arm off to do the school runs.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 14:51

RaRaRaspoutine · 02/09/2022 14:48

Does your DH sell precious things in the shop?

😂😂😂

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 14:54

If his business isn’t making any money where is his contribution coming from?

I don’t know but OP says he earns 40% of the household income which is a decent amount and definitely not a loss.

Unfortunately, OP seems to keep contradicting herself.

I think what’s happened is he had a high paying job which meant she had lots of cash to spend on the things she likes.

Now he’s started his own business she doesn’t have as much money to spend so she’s annoyed.

I can see if she moaned about it he would tell her to get a job herself which is probably why now she’s acting like doing the school run is so difficult.

Choopi · 02/09/2022 14:58

She pays the other 60% from her unearned income.

Can I just ask how you know this money is unearned? I have adsense running on some websites for years and sell some digital products. I do next to nothing now to keep those revenue streams up and running but worked my arse off to get it all set up. Is that 'unearned income' because I'm not grafting like a fool for 12 hours a day in a takeaway making a loss? Maybe the OP is just working smarter than her husband.

aloris · 02/09/2022 14:58

SunnyD44 · Today 14:22
5 if stay at home parent is doing all childcare then working parent should be willing to spend a portion of disposable family income on respite care for stay at home parent so he/she can engage in essential self-care such as doctor visits etc.
Her kids are at school!!
She has all day to do whatever she wants to do.

Yep. So in this case, her free time is during school hours and that should go into the equation. So she should probably do drop-offs in the morning so he can get a decent night's sleep. This will also help him be more effective at work, since he'll be rested, and then the business is more likely to succeed. But if school hours will be her only free time, then some of it needs to be actual free time, not time that is actually spent doing housework and errands. I find the best way to handle it is to schedule it in to the calendar: mum, 11 am to 1 pm, downtime. (I learned this from a happy SAHM.) It's much easier with school age children, as you can actually schedule downtime and GET downtime. With babies and toddlers, doesn't matter where you schedule your downtime, someone's going to be crying and there goes your downtime.

OTOH, if his business is losing money AND taking up all his time, then they should maybe work together to set a time limit for how long he will do it, and how much debt they can manage, before he goes back to a more regular kind of job where he will be getting predictable salary. Lots of businesses struggle in the first year, so they might need to give it some time. But it shouldn't be a limitless thing.

Delatron · 02/09/2022 15:01

She doesn’t say the 40% is earned. It’s a contribution- it could come from an overdraft….

Whydoiwearsomuchleopardprint · 02/09/2022 15:02

I am a SAHM and I do all those things plus the school run which is 40 minutes round trip and leave at 7.40. Isn’t that the point of staying at home so you do all those jobs? My husband doesn’t get in that late and he still doesn’t do it unless there’s a particular need or illness or something! I can’t imagine somebody getting in at 12.30 am and having to get up early because the other person doesn’t like it!!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 15:02

Delatron · 02/09/2022 15:01

She doesn’t say the 40% is earned. It’s a contribution- it could come from an overdraft….

Same could be said for hers then maybe the OP is paying the 60% from her overdraft

XCTX · 02/09/2022 15:02

"The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else ."

Your mortgage, bills, kids clothes/shoes/expenses, food, energy all pay for themselves do they?

If he's not home until 12.30am - presumably not asleep till after 1am counting decompression and you're asking him to get up early just because you dont like doing something?

I'm sure he doesnt like getting home way past his kids bedtime but he does it.

You're the SAHP, this is squarely in your remit. YABU.

ToGanymedeAndTitan · 02/09/2022 15:04

It’s a food business so he leaves normally around 11am and comes home around 12.30am.
Yeah, YABU sorry - that's a hell of.a long working day and past midnight to have to get up and do the school run!

Delatron · 02/09/2022 15:04

The OP hasn’t said she has debts - why would she pay more than him if she was paying from an overdraft..
I think if the OP had debts she would have made this clear.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 15:05

1 Each parent should have approximately equal downtime per week.

How do we propose the husband gets his 30 hours?

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 15:06

Delatron · 02/09/2022 15:04

The OP hasn’t said she has debts - why would she pay more than him if she was paying from an overdraft..
I think if the OP had debts she would have made this clear.

OP hasn't made ANYTHING clear

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 15:06

Delatron · 02/09/2022 15:04

The OP hasn’t said she has debts - why would she pay more than him if she was paying from an overdraft..
I think if the OP had debts she would have made this clear.

You're right. The OP has been clear all the way through this thread. Of course she would have made it clear. Silly me.

Delatron · 02/09/2022 15:08

It’s his choice to leave a paid job to start a business that means he doesn’t see his family and gets home at 12.30am. This business makes no money. OP is main breadwinner due to financial reasons we don’t know. For all we know she could have had a very well paid job and saved/invested wisely.

Because of these choices the DH also gets out of doing anything round the home apart from the bins. I don’t blame the OP for being resentful.

There’s a bit of jealousy on this thread for the OP who has generated an income/enough money not to need to work..

Everanewbie · 02/09/2022 15:11

Delatron · 02/09/2022 15:08

It’s his choice to leave a paid job to start a business that means he doesn’t see his family and gets home at 12.30am. This business makes no money. OP is main breadwinner due to financial reasons we don’t know. For all we know she could have had a very well paid job and saved/invested wisely.

Because of these choices the DH also gets out of doing anything round the home apart from the bins. I don’t blame the OP for being resentful.

There’s a bit of jealousy on this thread for the OP who has generated an income/enough money not to need to work..

I'm certainly jealous of her daily routine!

WeightoftheWorld · 02/09/2022 15:13

This thread has gone weird. Lots of PP clearly just extremely jealous of you OP that you are a SAHM but also seem to have a secure income that means you are simultaenously the breadwinner. I'm sure a lot of the aggression you have received on this thread is just because of jealousy.

I actually don't think YABU. Reading between the lines it doesn't seem that you were/are particularly supportive of his decision to leave what seems to have been a decent-paying, secure job, to start his own business, leaving him with debt and the inability to support the household as he used to do (even if just temporarily - but that is a risk, as nobody knows how a business will pan out). If that is the case - and I wouldn't blame you, I'm sure I'd be less than thrilled if my DH decided to do that! - I can particularly understand your frustrations. His business essentially sounds like a risky passion project, so his 'graft' was and is a lifestyle choice, and not necessary to support the family, and his choice seems to have led to him a) having less time to spend with his kids, b) less time to spend with you too presumably given the evening work (although unsure what he did before?), c) less money to support the household, etc etc. I wouldn't be sympathetic in your shoes either and I don't see that you should have to do more than you did before of his choice, that's not fair, when it wasn't necessary for your family, and it isn't your passion project.

Also, regardless of his working hours, I can't understand why a parent would want to spend even less time with their children when they already spend limited time with their children. It doesn't sound like he spends much time with them at all, so that alone would be reason for him to do something like drop-offs. Children benefit from relationships with both parents and they benefit from seeing and learning that both parents actually parent and are there and available to them. I would say though, if he only has one weekend day a week with his kids, I wouldn't be organising 'fun activities' that take the children away from him on that day. I would leave it for your DH to organise whatever he wants to do with the kids that day each week, that can be his responsibility, and you can take a step back. Parents have a responsibility to spend time with and parent their own children, it's not accepable that he spends so little time with them when he could at least have that whole full day each week with them.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 15:14

Delatron · 02/09/2022 15:04

The OP hasn’t said she has debts - why would she pay more than him if she was paying from an overdraft..
I think if the OP had debts she would have made this clear.

😂😂😂

I know, right? - because clarity is OP's middle name.
No contradictions or ill-tempered hasty dripfeeds from her!

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 15:16

There’s a bit of jealousy on this thread for the OP who has generated an income/enough money not to need to work..

Is there?
I'd rather work 70 hours a week than be as confused, entitled & brattish as OP. No jealousy here.