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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting HIM to do school run?

771 replies

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:36

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
Everanewbie · 02/09/2022 14:19

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:16

I do remember another post about the DH and his unprofitable business. That he left a well paid job to do?

How long is he going to give this shop that is sucking away your money? That he doesn’t see his kids all week or you in the evenings for zero contribution to the family…?

Mumsnet is crazy sometimes- the DH is making a loss. He’s not contributing any money or time to the family. But oh poor him working all day. For all anyone knows OP could have had a high powered job and saved. Or made wise Investments. But because she has the audacity to be a SAHM….

He might me misguided, but he's clearly not afraid of working until his hands bleed, which deserves some respect, unlike some who just don't fancy a 15 minute school run with 6 hours to recover.

aloris · 02/09/2022 14:20

1 Each parent should have approximately equal downtime per week.

2 One parent working long hours should not be used as an excuse for him/her to be exempt from family life.

3 If the stay at home parent is doing all the care for children and house then the income between the two parents should be shared equally, (not a small portion given to stay-at-home parent as an allowance), because otherwise the working parent is merely using the stay at home parent as a low paid servant. (In particular, stay at home parent should have sufficient funds to meet personal needs as well as equal access to funds for leisure compared to the working parent.) Alternately, the caring and cleaning work of the stay at home parent could be calculated on going wages for housekeeping and childcare services and that paid into their own account along with pension equivalent if they were working. Bear in mind if the working parent is rarely home to do their share of childcare, then a childcare provider working 16 hours per day gets overtime.

4 The working parent gets to control their own schedule and may need to control where they live so it's close to work but the stay at home parent should not be relegated to having no control over anything in his/her life via the working parent making the excuse "I need this for work." Nor should a supposed need for the stay at home parent to do 24/7 childcare be used as a means to control stay at home parent by making it logistically impossible for them to ever do anything but childcare.

5 if stay at home parent is doing all childcare then working parent should be willing to spend a portion of disposable family income on respite care for stay at home parent so he/she can engage in essential self-care such as doctor visits etc.

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 14:21

Mumsnet is crazy sometimes- the DH is making a loss. He’s not contributing any money or time to the family.

OP has said several times that he contributes 40%.

Many couples on MN do not earn the exact same amount even if they do the same hours.

The only difference here is he’s doing 12 hour days whilst OP does nothing all day as her kids are at school, yet she’s moaning that she doesn’t want to do all of the school runs.

Every single poster on here would take having free time for 6 hours a day and doing the school runs, over working 12 hour shifts and not being able to see your family much or have any sort of a social life.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 14:21

He’s not contributing any money or time to the family.
That's pure invention @Delatron - OP herself says he pays 40% of household costs.

She pays the other 60% from her unearned income, which she clearly views as solely hers & resents sharing for family costs.
She doesn't work, her kids are at school, her H works a 75 hour week - but she wants him to get up & do the school run after working til 12:30am, because she feels she doesn't get enough free time.

I think she's having a tremendous time, winding PP up on her illogical & contrary thread.

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 14:22

So OP has no job, the DH spends 12 hours a day at a job eating nothing but has another income he doesn't have to work for?

So we have 2 adults with a 60/40 split in income from no actual work, one who wastes their time working for nothing and the other who has planets spare time but cba taking the kid to school.

Sounds amazing.

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 14:22

5 if stay at home parent is doing all childcare then working parent should be willing to spend a portion of disposable family income on respite care for stay at home parent so he/she can engage in essential self-care such as doctor visits etc.

Her kids are at school!!

She has all day to do whatever she wants to do.

justasking111 · 02/09/2022 14:23

I think it's very unhealthy to think in terms of £££££s as a contribution to a relationship. Time poverty is a real threat to a relationship.

thesurrealist · 02/09/2022 14:25

Why is everyone obsessed with me being a stay at home mum but having money ??? This was never the point of my post and the reason why I won’t divulge how I receive a income … it’s not about that !

Probably because you were bitching about how he doesn't even contribute fully. You are the one who comes across as obsessed with money but yet it is a big secret how you get yours 🤷🏻‍♀️

If this is real, I feel so sorry for this man and hope to hell he leaves you soon.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 14:25

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 14:22

So OP has no job, the DH spends 12 hours a day at a job eating nothing but has another income he doesn't have to work for?

So we have 2 adults with a 60/40 split in income from no actual work, one who wastes their time working for nothing and the other who has planets spare time but cba taking the kid to school.

Sounds amazing.

When you put it like that @mattressspring 😂

OK I have the perfect solution:
The husband gives up work, does ALL the school runs, & all the household chores.
They live off their joint unearned incomes.

If that doesn't satisfy OP, she can get a fucking job.

sundayvibeswig22 · 02/09/2022 14:27

The dh's business may not be making a profit but it must be giving him a wage.

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:27

I thought his business wasn’t making a profit? Still 40% versus 60% and he’s really not making much money yet indulging his hobby for 12 hours a day at the expense of seeing his kids grow up.

My money is on the OP making some good investments/shares/ property-
maybe she’s worked her arse off for 15 years ans earnt a fortune so quite rightly wants to spend time at home for now- she clearly doesn’t need to work and have that extra juggle if DH can’t do any childcare and isn’t around in the evenings.

Good for the OP I say!

Sunnyqueen · 02/09/2022 14:30

How is it possible your DH is simultaneously providing 40% of the household income whilst running his business at a loss and putting you all further in debt each month? Doesn't make sense.

As for what you do to provide 60% but not work, it's obviously something you know you'd get flamed for in this instance or you would just say what it was... The only real options are allowance from daddy, benefits, sex or drug work.

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 14:30

sundayvibeswig22 · 02/09/2022 14:27

The dh's business may not be making a profit but it must be giving him a wage.

Nope. His money comes from another top secret source, just like OPs.

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:31

We’ve all missed the bit where the DH also has a lot of debt? So doesn’t really have the luxury of running a non profitable business whilst OP pays 60% of everything.

Everanewbie · 02/09/2022 14:32

Maybe a property being let out or something. Tie a broom to the blokes backside and he can sweep the floor too!

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:32

I’m guessing his 40% contribution is putting him more in debt whilst he continues with his non profitable business

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 14:35

I’m guessing his 40% contribution is putting him more in debt whilst he continues with his non profitable business

How is contributing 40% which is almost half of the family income, putting him in debt???

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:37

@SunnyD44 If his business isn’t making any money where is his contribution coming from?

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:37

OP says he has lots of debts…

ReneBumsWombats · 02/09/2022 14:38

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:32

I’m guessing his 40% contribution is putting him more in debt whilst he continues with his non profitable business

On the one hand you shouldn't guess things like that. On the other, OP isn't giving us any useful information and wasn't really asking what we thought, so....guess away.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 14:38

She also says that he's got a different income which he pays 40% from, he may be paying his debts off with that as well

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:38

If he has lots of debts and is running a non- profitable business it doesn’t take a genius to figure out his finances are a mess.

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:40

Considering some of the guesses on here about the OP’s sex work… mine are quite tame!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 14:41

@Delatron the business is it it's first year, lots run at losses in their first year or so.

justasking111 · 02/09/2022 14:41

@Brighton5555 you're married to James Middleton Walter Mitty type. I think that maybe what you've buried deep down.