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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting HIM to do school run?

771 replies

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:36

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 14:01

No, but in order to OP receive carer's allowance her child must be in receipt of DLA. If he receives both the care and mobility components at the highest rate in addition to carer's allowance, this works out as £981.93 per month. That's before the addition of child benefit.

This could easily account for 60% of household income if the husband's business isn't doing well.

But that’s her child bringing in that money, not her.

And she keeps on about that he only brings in 40% whilst she contributes 60%.

So far she’s not said how she’s contributing any money at all so I don’t believe it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 14:01

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 14:00

It's actually quite relevant. If you're basically living as a single mom and having to fund your family from savings so he can 'run' a business as a hobby, you're not unreasonable to want him to pull his weight.

If you're being paid by the government to stay at home and he's trying to get your family into a better financial position by working all the hours he can, you are unreasonable to expect him to do more.

Show quote history

These are my thoughts and why I see it as relevant.

knittingaddict · 02/09/2022 14:02

TrashPandas · 02/09/2022 13:59

God, some of you have such low standards.

Some of you are really gullible!

I agree. Very gullible.

Original poster
Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 14:03

I do not work in the sex trade or drug trade and I am not in receipt of benefits .

I am the main provider . My income is more than his and hence I pay 60% of the household costs and he contributes 40%.

i do 95% of everything within the home and the kids. He has no responsibility apart from the bins and taking child to school.

it’s clear people think because I’m not grafting 12 hours a day for my income that I must do absolute everything… I don’t agree .

I’ve spoken to my husband today and moving forward I’m going to do all pick ups as normal but will also do three morning drops and he can do two.

i refuse to do everything when he absolutely does very little .

back to the obsession on income and money … No comment .

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 02/09/2022 14:05

it’s clear people think because I’m not grafting 12 hours a day for my income that I must do absolute everything… I don’t agree .

Then why did you ask?

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 14:05

So are you going to work at his business a couple of days a week so he has time for the family/household?

Bobbins36 · 02/09/2022 14:06

@Brighton5555 “i refuse to do everything when he absolutely does very little”

how are 12 hour days doing very little?

Everanewbie · 02/09/2022 14:06

I'm sorry OP, were you looking for people's take on this or seeking validation? Because the comments of "This ^^" to the one or two posts out of several hundred that agree with you suggest the latter.

It does sound to me like you have no respect for your husband's efforts. The bloke must be exhausted as it is. You could argue that if the business is not worth the hours he's sacrificing and its detracting from family life, thats a fair point. But you can't expect him to do the school run every day of 5 hours sleep when you're a SAHM.

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 14:07

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 13:55

Why is everyone obsessed with me being a stay at home mum but having money ??? This was never the point of my post and the reason why I won’t divulge how I receive a income … it’s not about that !

You were the one who brought money into it. You were the one who opened the discussion about it.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/09/2022 14:08

So he works 12 hour days but you are a SAHM with children at school? Yet you still don’t want to do the school run?

WiddlinDiddlin · 02/09/2022 14:08

Can you do some shifts in the shop so that he is free to be at home with the kids?

If your income doesn't depend on you grafting, and it isn't benefits - I really don't see why DH needs to be the one in the shop from before opening to after closing, surely you're more than capable of learning to do that.

I do think it is unreasonable for anyone to decide to embark on a business that means they are out of the home long or antisocial hours, such that they then do not see their children all week, without the full support of the staying at home parent.

However on the face of it, this does sound like you don't want to do any more work (whether thats housework or paid work) than you currently do, and you want him to do more without any real compromise on your part.

BeetrootBeetrootGhali · 02/09/2022 14:08

What’s the point of you being a SAHM if you don’t do childcare? The school run is childcare.

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 14:09

Oh and on a personal level I am interested to know how someone with no job earns more then someone working a full time job. This could be life changing for me

MumofSpud · 02/09/2022 14:09

I don't think you should describe yourself as a SAHM then

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 14:09

i refuse to do everything when he absolutely does very little .
If your idea of a 75 hour working week is "very little" ...

I am the main provider . My income is more than his and hence I pay 60% of the household costs and he contributes 40%.
What's all this "my income"? You are married to him, it's FAMILY income. Of course it should be spent on providing for the family.

Despite you being all coy about how this income accrues to you, it's clear you're not working for it. Yet you're happy to dismiss your husband's huge workload, & demand that he does more round the home you are a SAHM in.

You're also sulking about him "only" contributing 40%, when it sounds like as you command more (unearned) income, of course your contribution should be greater.

YABU, also selfish & a petulant brat.

HOTHotPeppers · 02/09/2022 14:10

I must say OP with 25 hours plus a week to yourself whilst your husband works 12 hours days you life seems rather ideal, whether you contribute more on not.

MumofSpud · 02/09/2022 14:11

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 14:09

Oh and on a personal level I am interested to know how someone with no job earns more then someone working a full time job. This could be life changing for me

I agree!

Original poster
Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 14:12

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 14:09

i refuse to do everything when he absolutely does very little .
If your idea of a 75 hour working week is "very little" ...

I am the main provider . My income is more than his and hence I pay 60% of the household costs and he contributes 40%.
What's all this "my income"? You are married to him, it's FAMILY income. Of course it should be spent on providing for the family.

Despite you being all coy about how this income accrues to you, it's clear you're not working for it. Yet you're happy to dismiss your husband's huge workload, & demand that he does more round the home you are a SAHM in.

You're also sulking about him "only" contributing 40%, when it sounds like as you command more (unearned) income, of course your contribution should be greater.

YABU, also selfish & a petulant brat.

You too 😊

OP posts:
mattressspring · 02/09/2022 14:12

it’s clear people think because I’m not grafting 12 hours a day for my income that I must do absolute everything… I don’t agree .

You are deliberately ignoring that the majority of posters are saying you should not have to do everything, he should pull his weight in other areas because the school run is absolutely your responsibility.

ReneBumsWombats · 02/09/2022 14:12

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 14:09

Oh and on a personal level I am interested to know how someone with no job earns more then someone working a full time job. This could be life changing for me

I'm starting to wonder if it's holding bets on how long you can string a MN thread out...

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 14:14

I am the main provider . My income is more than his and hence I pay 60% of the household costs and he contributes 40%.

Doing what?

You brought money in to it.

You said he’s not pulling his weight as he only works FT doing 12 hour shifts and brings in 60% of the income.

Whilst you can manage to do nothing all day apart some cooking and cleaning, childcare before and after school, yet still manage to earn 60% of the total income.

The reason why it’s all BS is not only because you can’t think of how you can earn that amount without doing any sort of work.

But you know if that was the case he would not have to work such long hours and he would be available to help out more.

I’m sure you’ll think of something like it was money from an inheritance or you’ve had to take out loans to bring in that 60% to try and sway posters opinions.

But the facts are - he does 12 hour shifts.
You are a SAHP with school aged children.
Therefore you should be doing all of the school runs.

justasking111 · 02/09/2022 14:15

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:52

Yes I’m a carer to my Sen child but both my children are at school between 9am-3pm. I do not work outside the home I work hard inside the home

I'm curious what do you do inside the home that takes 30 hours a week. Aren't you lonely, bored?

Everanewbie · 02/09/2022 14:15

The thread reads like a post testing the hypothesis that mumsnet applies double standards and responses are inherently anti-men. Lets set out a scenario where a man is a near superhero with his level of graft but is left too exhausted to do one small task, and we'll vilify him for it.

Either he reduces his hours or you match his workload, whether that be with the business or in the home. Poor bloke.

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:16

I do remember another post about the DH and his unprofitable business. That he left a well paid job to do?

How long is he going to give this shop that is sucking away your money? That he doesn’t see his kids all week or you in the evenings for zero contribution to the family…?

Mumsnet is crazy sometimes- the DH is making a loss. He’s not contributing any money or time to the family. But oh poor him working all day. For all anyone knows OP could have had a high powered job and saved. Or made wise Investments. But because she has the audacity to be a SAHM….

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 14:17

Delatron · 02/09/2022 14:16

I do remember another post about the DH and his unprofitable business. That he left a well paid job to do?

How long is he going to give this shop that is sucking away your money? That he doesn’t see his kids all week or you in the evenings for zero contribution to the family…?

Mumsnet is crazy sometimes- the DH is making a loss. He’s not contributing any money or time to the family. But oh poor him working all day. For all anyone knows OP could have had a high powered job and saved. Or made wise Investments. But because she has the audacity to be a SAHM….

He's got a different income that provides 40%, so yes he is providing.