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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting HIM to do school run?

771 replies

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:36

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
FloydPepper · 02/09/2022 13:07

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 12:48

Nope, not a lie . His shop doesn’t make profit. He is making a contribution monthly to the house at around 40% of the actual costs.

He has income separately from his shop that allows him to make that payment .

i am the main provider .

before this shop he had a regular job with a set wage and could make a slightly higher payment . This is not the case now

Show quote history

It’s like pulling teeth

ok slight progress. He has an income, that allows him to contribute 40%. he’s working hard on his shop. Do I’d say he’s pulling his weight here.

you have an income and you contribute 60%. But can also stay at home. Fine. You’re pulling your weight

is the 60/40 split in proportion to your relative incomes?

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 13:08

She's joking about dealing drugs on the weekends because someone joked she's doing it Monday-Friday Jesus Christ people keep up!

FloydPepper · 02/09/2022 13:10

actually, you know what, I give in

so much obfuscation, contradictions and omissions that it’s clear OP will omit or say anything in order to get posters to agree with her. I’m out

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 13:12

She's joking about dealing drugs on the weekends because someone joked she's doing it Monday-Friday Jesus Christ people keep up!

My mistake!

Although she must have a source of income to bring in 60% of the household money.

KettrickenSmiled · 02/09/2022 13:15

Does anyone actually read the op here ? He DOES NOT carry us financially as a family.
Of course PP read the OP.
Unfortunately, you chose not to include this vital fact in it.
Your dripfed it in much later pages - & only after failing to get the universal condemnation of your H that you were seeking.

He has income separately from his shop that allows him to make that payment
So the shop is his time investment for future earnings, & the fact that it's not producing megabucks right now is irrelevant.

i am the main provider .
By a differential of 20%.
And have plenty of leisure time, compared to his 75 hour working week.

before this shop he had a regular job with a set wage and could make a slightly higher payment . This is not the case now
Never mind about his workload, so long as he MAKES PAYMENTS huh OP?

You haven't answered the question a few PP have asked about why you don't jobshare with him. Take over the shop for a few evenings or school-run times, so you can swap responsibilities & both of you get to actually see your kids. Is that a solution you'd consider?

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 13:21

so much obfuscation, contradictions and omissions that it’s clear OP will omit or say anything in order to get posters to agree with her.

And so blatant too 🤦🏻‍♀️

averageavocado · 02/09/2022 13:23

We are all mystified, because you are a full timme SAHM, but you provide 60% of the household running costs??

AlexandriasWindmill · 02/09/2022 13:25

Maybe she's independently wealthy.

ReneBumsWombats · 02/09/2022 13:27

AlexandriasWindmill · 02/09/2022 13:25

Maybe she's independently wealthy.

Maybe. She needs to tell us if she wants any useful feedback on her question!

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 13:28

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 13:12

She's joking about dealing drugs on the weekends because someone joked she's doing it Monday-Friday Jesus Christ people keep up!

My mistake!

Although she must have a source of income to bring in 60% of the household money.

Yeah that she's refusing to tell us about that is absolutely not benefits or sex work or drugs so is presumably inherited or gifted from family

Iamthewalnut · 02/09/2022 13:30

There are all kinds of reasons why OP could be the main provider and a stay-at-home mum. She could be a landlady, have an inheritance, or have won some money. It could simply be that she gets carer's allowance and her son's disability benefits are paid into her account, which total more than what the husband is bringing in. I'm surprised people think this is such an uncommon scenario.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 13:31

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 13:28

Yeah that she's refusing to tell us about that is absolutely not benefits or sex work or drugs so is presumably inherited or gifted from family

Show quote history

She hasn't actually said it isn't any of those. She just said the attacks about being on benefits, adult work etc.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 13:33

Iamthewalnut · 02/09/2022 13:30

There are all kinds of reasons why OP could be the main provider and a stay-at-home mum. She could be a landlady, have an inheritance, or have won some money. It could simply be that she gets carer's allowance and her son's disability benefits are paid into her account, which total more than what the husband is bringing in. I'm surprised people think this is such an uncommon scenario.

If it's benefits it's calculated on the household not just OP so it's not just her providing

If it's her sons disability benefits then that should be going on him and not the household, that's still not the OP providing.

thesurrealist · 02/09/2022 13:33

Beees · 02/09/2022 09:16

I feel genuinely quite sorry for your partner.

He spends 6 days a week working long shifts, never sees his friends, is perpetually exhausted surviving on only a few hours sleep, doesn't get quality time with his children and has a partner who gets 5 hours a day to herself 5 days a week and yet somehow he's the bad guy because he doesn't want to do the school run.

His life sounds shit.

Me too. And it sounds like the OP even resents him keeping a bit of his own money too....

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 13:35

@WhenISnappedAndFarted read her posts. She's strongly inferred it's none of those things and she was offended that they were suggested as she thought they were posters being nasty when the benefits suggestion wasn't.

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 13:36

Iamthewalnut · 02/09/2022 13:30

There are all kinds of reasons why OP could be the main provider and a stay-at-home mum. She could be a landlady, have an inheritance, or have won some money. It could simply be that she gets carer's allowance and her son's disability benefits are paid into her account, which total more than what the husband is bringing in. I'm surprised people think this is such an uncommon scenario.

It is uncommon for someone who is a SAHP to bring in more money then a full time working parent, let's not pretend it's the norm. We know it happens and we also know it could be for any number of reasons but when someone comes along and tells you they bring more to the table financially but do not have a job, unless they say why, must people will think it's shite, especially in this case where OP has mentioned it in a bid to prove her DH should be doing the school run.

beastlyslumber · 02/09/2022 13:38

God, some of you have such low standards. So you'd be happy providing the lion's share financially and doing every single domestic task, including caring for your child with SEN, while your husband contributes less than half, never sees his kids, never spends time with the family, and sits out with his mates at the shop all day and night?

OP, just tell him that he has to keep doing the school runs. Surely he wants to see his kids?

Bluevelvetsofa · 02/09/2022 13:39

It’s pointless.

OP wanted to know if she was unreasonable wanting her DH to do more of the school runs and therefore spend more time with his child. 99% of posters have said it’s unreasonable to expect a man who works six days a week and gets home after midnight to do more than he is currently doing. She doesn’t agree, so everyone will have to agree to differ.

It is unreasonable and you are entitled.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 13:39

@girlmom21 I've read the posts, it's not strongly inferred. She has not definitively said the money does not come from benefits. She felt like it was an attack people saying it's benefits and I can see why it would feel like an attack but that isn't saying that it isn't from benefits.

Zwicky · 02/09/2022 13:42

There are all kinds of reasons why OP could be the main provider and a stay-at-home mum. She could be a landlady, have an inheritance, or have won some money. It could simply be that she gets carer's allowance and her son's disability benefits are paid into her account, which total more than what the husband is bringing in. I'm surprised people think this is such an uncommon scenario.

It’s pretty uncommon for married people to use significant won money or inheritance as “their” contribution rather than viewing it as family money. The divorce courts would view it as assets of the marriage. Most people like their partners and wouldn’t say “I’m not working because I’ve inherited money, so off you pop and do your full time job plus 50% of housework and 60% of school runs”. It’s also pretty uncommon for someone to claim carer’s allowance, use it as household income rather than for care, then whine that they have to do pretty basic caring such as appointments, cleaning, laundry and taking kids to activities. Granted to OP could have a passive income as a landlord in a business in her sole name but I feel she would have mentioned it as it is never quite as “passive” as people think. Maybe massive investment income that is for some reason not a marital asset?

Iamthewalnut · 02/09/2022 13:44

If it benefits it's calculated on the household not just OP so it's not just her providing

I was referring to Carer's Allowance which depends on the income of the main carer (ie: the OP) not the household income.

ReneBumsWombats · 02/09/2022 13:44

Iamthewalnut · 02/09/2022 13:30

There are all kinds of reasons why OP could be the main provider and a stay-at-home mum. She could be a landlady, have an inheritance, or have won some money. It could simply be that she gets carer's allowance and her son's disability benefits are paid into her account, which total more than what the husband is bringing in. I'm surprised people think this is such an uncommon scenario.

Yes but until we know what it is, it's pointless! If it's passive income then it's fair she does the domestic jobs because it's not taking up her time. (And did the husband have any part in setting up this passive income?)

She says it's "adult work", by which I assume she doesn't mean sex work (I might be wrong, of course) but an ordinary job. But she opened by saying she was a SAHM.

Unless we understand exactly what their setup is, we can't give a view on whether she's unreasonable or not!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 13:45

Iamthewalnut · 02/09/2022 13:44

If it benefits it's calculated on the household not just OP so it's not just her providing

I was referring to Carer's Allowance which depends on the income of the main carer (ie: the OP) not the household income.

There is no way carers allowance will cover 60%, it's £69.70 a week.

thesurrealist · 02/09/2022 13:46

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 10:16

Your welcome to carry on the assumptions about income into my home .

my post was about the school run .

forgive me for NOT sharing my financial private information on a public forum.. crazy I know

Ahh benefits then. At the risk of being a benefits basher - I think you'll find the "main provider" for your family is in fact tax payers.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 13:46

It's more likely to be DLA for the child than carers.