Expecting HIM to do school run?

[Brighton5555]

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

I stay home whilst hubby works very long hours. He is not doing me a ‘favour’ and I’m not grateful for it. I don’t want to stay home, I was forced out of the job I loved so that he could stay in the job he loved. One of our children has AN which made both of us working impossible and he essentially won. He got to keep his more established, higher paying career whilst I have to stay home with two toddlers and facilitate our lives. We BOTH work long hours and I am just as entitled to a decent nights sleep as he is.

But you just have a dick head DH and in the nicest way you are choosing to stay with him.

Most couples in that situation and need someone at home, would both work PT and share childcare and housework.

OPs DH works almost 12 hour days and her DCs are at school all day. So she has 6+ hours to do whatever she wants.

As a single parent working FT I know for a fact it does not take 6 hours to do all of the housework and cooking etc as I get all mine done after work whilst doing childcare, like most parents do.

I am just as entitled to a decent nights sleep as he is.

well, he's not getting it. He gets home at gone midnight. And should do the school run at 8:15. So how is he even getting a decent night's sleep - that even assuming he goes to bed immediately and then rolls out of bed and takes them to school? (sorry you got forced out of your job though. that really sucks)

for those saying he needs to spend more time with his child: he gets one day of a week and OP takes the child out for that day so he can't even have that. Jesus, what an absolute fucking mess.

I agree.

There definitely are issues here. But I think the morning school run is the least of them. His shop isn't compatible with family life either financially or time wise and that needs discussing.

He works hard but he has no other responsibilities. He completely gets to focus there because I carry everything here .

And that goes both ways.
You completely get to focus on family & domestic life, because he carries everything financially.

Why can't you run the business a few evenings a week, while he looks out for the DC & relaxes at home? That would dovetail nicely with also sharing the school run. If you cant concessions, you also have to offer some ...

Do you also get into debates with people who claim a relative has left you a huge inheritance?

I just don't get why people engage in a thread if they don't believe the OP. There is no way you can prove she is lying or telling the truth, so what is the point?

Or maybe he works in something like hospitality and finishes late. If the OP is a SAHM and his is the only income then it's not unreasonable to expect her to do the school runs. I can guarantee that were this reversed then he would be expected to do them!

There definitely are issues here. But I think the morning school run is the least of them. His shop isn't compatible with family life either financially or time wise and that needs discussing.

Exactly this.

I assume from what the OP has said that she gets carers allowance due to her disabled older DC, plus perhaps other benefits, and this brings in more than the 12+ hours the DH is spending every day at the shop.

If the DH’s long hours at the shop were providing for his family then I’d agree with the suck it up and do the school run posts but it seems they are not. He is not earning much nor is he doing any childcare/home stuff or even seeing his kids in the week.

If this is correct then he needs to seriously reconsider his job options.

@KettrickenSmiled is bang on.

I wouldn't want the responsibility of being sole earner and working crazy hours with the pressure of having to bring all the money into the home - particularly with the cost of living soaring!
The DH is doing that plus school runs. If you, OP, thinks he's not doing enough, then sit down and discuss how to carve up responsibilities - but be aware that cuts both ways. He might quite reasonably want you to share some earning responsibility

I think occasionally your husband should take them. Only because it's a good time to talk and connect with kids and be a part of their school life.

I also think you are being very unfair. My partner and I both work full time. I do the full list of jobs you put in your post and the school run. My son is his SS, therefore doesn't have responsibility to share the burden but does if I need him to.

There was a decision at some point that you would take this role. If you don't like it, get a job. Then see what an endless of crap deal with really looks like!!!

Of course you should do the school runs - it's hardly a great hardship to do a 15 min walk, and unreasonable to cut into his sleep. But you should get a lie-in on one day at the weekend. However, he should help a bit with housework/life admin or whatever on some of the days before he heads off to work at 11am. Or can do some in the lull periods in his shop (eg do stuff on the computer).

HOWEVER - it seems obvious to me that the best setup would be for YOU to work in the shop once or twice a week (and for him to do the school runs on those days). If this is his business this is totally doable - and presumably it would be helpful for you to get more involved anyway as the children grow older.

That way you get what you want: he spends more time with the child, and you get to not do the school run on the day you go to work!!!

It always cracks me up the way people suddenly seem all surprised and outraged that their DH has no interest in their child. This doesn't just 'happen'. The signs are there from the start, even before you have the child, and definitely from babyhood, and that's the time to nip things in the bud and put things on track. A parent who is highly involved with the child (and family duties in general) from babyhood / toddlerhood doesn't suddenly lose all interest. And you can't suddenly start moaning several years down the line, when you have accepted it (and helped create the conditions for this) all this time.

I think the OP is incredibly unreasonable to expect the husband to do the school run after finishing at 12:30 plus travel, plus an hour to decompress.

However, as virtuous as it is to work long and hard at the business, if he isn't the main breadwinner despite his borderline herculean endeavour, maybe you need to have a grown up discussion about a more suitable job. I recognise that OP, you feel that you need OH to play more of a role, which is fair, but you do seem quite dismissive of his efforts and brutal hours, even if its not paying off yet. I can imagine that is quite hurtful and demoralising.

And that goes both ways.
You completely get to focus on family & domestic life, because he carries everything financially.
*
Why can't you run the business a few evenings a week, while he looks out for the DC & relaxes at home? That would dovetail nicely with also sharing the school run. If you cant concessions, you also have to offer some ...*

I completely agree.

It will also mean the DCs get to have time with each parent.

😂😂😂
Thank you @everywoman682 - but apparently I am bang wrong, as in later updates, OP claims that her H's business barely breaks even, & she is the one supporting the household financially, via adultwork.

So that's us told.
And not AT ALL suspiciously shoehorned in once PP didn't react with frothing condemnation of the H ...

That way you get what you want: he spends more time with the child, and you get to not do the school run on the day you go to work!!!

I doubt that is what OP wants. I imagine OP wants to remain being the SAHP but also wants her husband to financially support them AND take the kids to school AND contribute more emotionally and physically to the household.

Not all of those things may be unreasonable, he should be seeing his kids more for example. But I highly suspect OP won't be willing to change anything she does to facilitate it.

It's your job as SAHM.

Yabu. He's working long shifts till after midnight. You're kid free for 9 to 3. Do the school run and go home for a nap if you're tired. Still leaves you plenty of time for household chores.

There definitely are issues here. But I think the morning school run is the least of them. His shop isn't compatible with family life either financially or time wise and that needs discussing

This is the thrust of it for me as well. He's married with kids so a business either needs to support the family completely or allow lots of time to be a good parent/partner. Both is ideal but this business offers neither. Rather than admit his business is simply not viable he's angling to stop doing the one tiny scrap of parenting he does all week.

I'd be fed up too.

Well what else do you do that he can? Work out which ones he can do when he's home without having to wake up early.

Sorry but the sahp does the school runs unless sickness or appointments. It's normal, part of the deal

you are taking total care of kids and home, having no break/ feeling burntout.

She has 9-3 5 days a week to do whatever she likes. How much more of a break does she need?

@KettrickenSmiled yes, funny that the business suddenly becomes unviable and the OP claims she (as a SAHM!!) is single-handedly keeping the family afloat hahahaha

My DP is in the takeaway business too. Since before we married he has worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. On his day off he usually has something to do (maintenance, cash and carry, accounts etc) so he is never really “off”. I left work when pregnant with dc1 and was a sahm until dc4 was in y1. During this time I did everything at home unless I physically couldn’t, and never touched the sides of working the 70-80 hours a week that DP worked.

He started doing school runs when I went back to work because I couldn’t do them but it meant getting home sometime between midnight and 1am, showering, eating, winding down, then getting maybe 6 hours sleep before getting up to do the school run. He did this for 6 years and it was knackering and only done out of necessity, not because I didn’t like doing it. He had employees (sounds like the OPs DH hasn’t) so could leave in the afternoon for 30 min to pick them up again and they would have dinner with daddy in his shop. I honestly thought it was a pretty sweet deal sailing by after work and collecting already fed kids and taking my own supper home with me. I wouldn’t have not done this in case kids were “bored” even though it is boring sometimes.

As someone’s who has done this I think you are wrong and lazy, but when I was a sahm I wasn’t the main financial provider so I can see that our perspectives may differ.

you are taking total care of kids and home, having no break/ feeling burntout.

Eh?! The kids aren't there for 6 hours of OPs day!

Id be laughing if my son was at nursery for 6 hours on my non working days.

If you both work full time it's fair to split household stuff equally - but you've decided that he will work full time and you will stay at home therefore school run is your responsibility.

I posted to see if I was being wrong or lazy

Based on the piecemeal, unclear, and contradictory information you've had dragged out of you given - yes, you are wrong and lazy.