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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting HIM to do school run?

771 replies

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:36

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
Elmo230885 · 02/09/2022 11:11

This all makes no sense...

So OP's partner works 12 hrs/6 days per week
OP is unemployed with two school aged children
OP claims to be financially supporting the whole family as partner's business brings in no money
OP wants partner to do more around the house

Have I got that right?

codeshutyourmouth · 02/09/2022 11:12

I posted to see if I was being wrong or lazy .

Yes and yes, although you’re clearly not going to agree with anyone saying so, so not sure what the point of posting was.

knittingaddict · 02/09/2022 11:12

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/09/2022 11:06

OP you said he gives you a contribution each month - how much does he give you? If you don't want to say the specific amount could you say the percentage - like whether it's 30% of what you need to run the house each month?

I wouldn't bother asking. From past experience the op won't tell you and you'll just get more and more frustrated.

ReneBumsWombats · 02/09/2022 11:12

I'm lost. He works all hours but isn't the main provider, just gives a contribution? You are the SAHP but you are also the main provider?

I know you don't like what you see as prying but you've brought your situation to us for comment. Until we've got clarity on what your setup actually is, I don't think we can really say anything useful.

sheepdogdelight · 02/09/2022 11:13

Meraas · 02/09/2022 11:05

If you're not going to believe the OP, why even post on the thread?

She says she is the main provider, so I believe her.

Show quote history

No one is saying they don't believe the OP. They are saying that there is a difference between being the main provider because the family receive benefits that are in your name, and actually doing anything to "provide" such as running your own part time business round the children (which I've known people to do who otherwise call themselves SAHMs). And it's relevant because if the OP is doing work all day to generate income, that means she has much less time to herself than might otherwise be assumed.

knittingaddict · 02/09/2022 11:14

Elmo230885 · 02/09/2022 11:11

This all makes no sense...

So OP's partner works 12 hrs/6 days per week
OP is unemployed with two school aged children
OP claims to be financially supporting the whole family as partner's business brings in no money
OP wants partner to do more around the house

Have I got that right?

You appear to be correct, yes.

Elmo230885 · 02/09/2022 11:15

Whatever is happening obviously isn't working. Without knowing the financial ins and outs (which quite rightly the OP doesn't have to share) it does seem like they need to work more as a unit.
The business obviously isn't working and the OP is resenting running the house.

Work as a family unit. Maybe both work part time and split household and school duties?

Yerroblemom1923 · 02/09/2022 11:17

Say what now?! Just take your kids to school! Sounds like partner does as much as he's physically able considering his crazy workload!

FloydPepper · 02/09/2022 11:18

Elmo230885 · 02/09/2022 11:11

This all makes no sense...

So OP's partner works 12 hrs/6 days per week
OP is unemployed with two school aged children
OP claims to be financially supporting the whole family as partner's business brings in no money
OP wants partner to do more around the house

Have I got that right?

Don’t forget that despite him making no money he still contributes. She provides (somehow) but expects him to work those hours and still contribute.

Either she’s got income that provides, in which case it’s pretty abusive to expect him to slave away for nothing and still somehow pay.

or she hasn’t (not enough to cover everything, perhaps benefits) and it’s pretty abusive to kick off about him working so hard when it’s needed.

Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2022 11:19

The whole ‘SAHP’s should be grateful and do everything without complaint’ attitude sucks.

I stay home whilst hubby works very long hours. He is not doing me a ‘favour’ and I’m not grateful for it. I don’t want to stay home, I was forced out of the job I loved so that he could stay in the job he loved. One of our children has AN which made both of us working impossible and he essentially won. He got to keep his more established, higher paying career whilst I have to stay home with two toddlers and facilitate our lives. We BOTH work long hours and I am just as entitled to a decent nights sleep as he is.

Stand your ground OP, you do not need to gratefully accept a low quality of life whilst you raise his children and be thankful like it’s the 1950’s. My hubby could not do his job without me being at home with the kids (our AN child can’t manage nursery/childminder and hubby works nights and hours that don’t fit with any childcare setting) if I wasn’t here he would either have to leave his career or hire a nanny who would be extremely expensive due to the AN out eldest presents!

FloydPepper · 02/09/2022 11:19

sheepdogdelight · 02/09/2022 11:13

No one is saying they don't believe the OP. They are saying that there is a difference between being the main provider because the family receive benefits that are in your name, and actually doing anything to "provide" such as running your own part time business round the children (which I've known people to do who otherwise call themselves SAHMs). And it's relevant because if the OP is doing work all day to generate income, that means she has much less time to herself than might otherwise be assumed.

Show quote history

I don’t believe the op

unless her definition of provider is different to mine…

LindaEllen · 02/09/2022 11:19

All these people saying he should be allowed a lie in if he works until 12.30.. it's not a lie in if he's just getting the sleep he needs! A lie in is lazing around in bed BEYOND your necessary hours of rest. If all he's getting is his normal hours of sleep - albeit at a shifted time of the day than 'most' people - then it's not about being 'allowed', he needs it!

My hours are shifted as well (just having my breakfast!) due to work, and I'm fed up of people making comments about how late I get up. I get up hours after you because I get to go to bed hours after you! Why do people who get up at 5am think they're better than everyone else?

Baaaaaa · 02/09/2022 11:22

If OPs partner was single, he would have to cook and clean and life admin for himself every day. The kids are his kids too. She does everything for them and him and asks that he helps with the school run one way. Seems quite reasonable to me.

OP Sounds like you should swap places, get a catering job then do nothing except that and the morning school run. Sounds pretty awesome to me.

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 11:23

If you're not going to believe the OP, why even post on the thread?

She says she is the main provider, so I believe her.

Drop me your email address, I want to tell you about your long list dead relative who left you a huge inheritance. I will only need a few hundred from you to process it....

Muststopeating · 02/09/2022 11:23

Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2022 11:19

The whole ‘SAHP’s should be grateful and do everything without complaint’ attitude sucks.

I stay home whilst hubby works very long hours. He is not doing me a ‘favour’ and I’m not grateful for it. I don’t want to stay home, I was forced out of the job I loved so that he could stay in the job he loved. One of our children has AN which made both of us working impossible and he essentially won. He got to keep his more established, higher paying career whilst I have to stay home with two toddlers and facilitate our lives. We BOTH work long hours and I am just as entitled to a decent nights sleep as he is.

Stand your ground OP, you do not need to gratefully accept a low quality of life whilst you raise his children and be thankful like it’s the 1950’s. My hubby could not do his job without me being at home with the kids (our AN child can’t manage nursery/childminder and hubby works nights and hours that don’t fit with any childcare setting) if I wasn’t here he would either have to leave his career or hire a nanny who would be extremely expensive due to the AN out eldest presents!

This!!!!!

Dumle · 02/09/2022 11:24

Of course you should do the schoolrun! Your husband should not have to get up that early when he's been at work so late. You are at home not working so taking the kids to school should be your responsibility. You don't see why you should take the kids to school? Here's why, you are not working, he's working crazy long hours supporting you and the kids.

If you feel like he's not helping around the house then you should talk about it and figure something out that's fair for the both of you. But since you are at home you should do more than him.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 02/09/2022 11:25

Baaaaaa · 02/09/2022 11:22

If OPs partner was single, he would have to cook and clean and life admin for himself every day. The kids are his kids too. She does everything for them and him and asks that he helps with the school run one way. Seems quite reasonable to me.

OP Sounds like you should swap places, get a catering job then do nothing except that and the morning school run. Sounds pretty awesome to me.

If the OP was single she'd have to get a real job in addition to what she currently does, plus having to do all the school runs. Having six hours a day to lounge around goading people on MN seems pretty sweet to me.

mattressspring · 02/09/2022 11:26

OPs partner was single, he would have to cook and clean and life admin for himself every day. The kids are his kids too. She does everything for them and him and asks that he helps with the school run one way. Seems quite reasonable to me.

One of the children. The other child is not his.

She doesn't have to do everything. He could do plenty, but getting out of bed early to take a child to school when OP is there and had the next 6 hours to herself is a ridiculous expectation.

RedWingBoots · 02/09/2022 11:26

The only reason he should do a school run is so he has a chance to be with and talk to your joint children. It would benefit the relationship between them to do this.

However you should do the majority of them in the morning, so 4 out of 5, plus in the afternoon as you don't work outside the home.

PoppyVioletIris · 02/09/2022 11:27

If your DH is getting in at 12.30 am, presumably he might need to eat/shower before he gets into bed? So say 1.30 - 2 am to bed? Then you want him to get up and be dressed to do the school run at 8.15 am (so even if he's quick say 8 am get up). That would mean he'd be getting 6 1/2 hours a sleep. Given he works 12 hour shifts that's not enough sleep and I would be worried him driving to and from work on those sort of levels.

Blueberry111 · 02/09/2022 11:29

It sounds like the real issue is that

  1. you are taking total care of kids and home, having no break/ feeling burntout.
  2. He hardly spends time with his kids .

I don't think him doing the school run would resolve this issue and neither will it be fair on him seeing that he comes home 12.30am, so he does need to sleep.

The solution I feel is, that as he has a family now ( especially with sen ) he needs to consider changing his job to a more sltime suitable one for family life, like a 9-5 job or similar. It may mean less income but to continue the family unit/support and lifestyle which he has chosen for himself, he needs to make this sacrifice.

zingally · 02/09/2022 11:29

I kind of feel YABU.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I personally feel that if you are a SAHM, then child-related admin during the week at least, falls on you. And that includes things like the school run. "I don't like doing it" isn't really a good enough excuse. If you want him to be more involved during holidays and weekends, that's a separate issue.

Presumably, your DH is working 12 hour days to support his family, and provide enough income for you to be able to stay at home. He's not, I imagine, doing it for shits and giggles.

Amar8989 · 02/09/2022 11:32

I am also a SAHM, with a 2 SEN children, both at separate schools. My husband has a full time job, granted Mon-Fri, but he goes out of his way to help with the school runs, because he wants to spend time with his children. He doesn’t get to very often, and I don’t expect him to do it, but it’s sad that it’s such a chore for either of you to do it.

IsJohnReadyToMakeAComeback · 02/09/2022 11:34

This thread is incredibly hard hard work.

If you want an opinion on the school runs then you will need to provide all information for me to form an opinion.

CanneBBothered · 02/09/2022 11:35

Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2022 11:19

The whole ‘SAHP’s should be grateful and do everything without complaint’ attitude sucks.

I stay home whilst hubby works very long hours. He is not doing me a ‘favour’ and I’m not grateful for it. I don’t want to stay home, I was forced out of the job I loved so that he could stay in the job he loved. One of our children has AN which made both of us working impossible and he essentially won. He got to keep his more established, higher paying career whilst I have to stay home with two toddlers and facilitate our lives. We BOTH work long hours and I am just as entitled to a decent nights sleep as he is.

Stand your ground OP, you do not need to gratefully accept a low quality of life whilst you raise his children and be thankful like it’s the 1950’s. My hubby could not do his job without me being at home with the kids (our AN child can’t manage nursery/childminder and hubby works nights and hours that don’t fit with any childcare setting) if I wasn’t here he would either have to leave his career or hire a nanny who would be extremely expensive due to the AN out eldest presents!

I don't think anyone has said on the thread that OP should be grateful. Many of us appreciate just how hard being a SAHP is (although I honestly doubt it's as hard when your two children are in school 9-3).

But what people are saying is that looking after the DC and yes if they are school aged, then the school run, is the SAHPs job. It's the main thing they do surely? One works out of the home, the other looks after the DC. If you're expecting one partner to do both then what's the point of having a SAHP?

I'm in the same position although admittedly I didn't love my job like you appear to have. My husband adores his work and works very hard and so if anyone was going to stay at home or be part time, it was me. We felt that was best for our DC and so I did that. I don't feel grateful to DH, we both contribute to the household. But I do accept that as I'm the parent at home then things like running DC to appointments (or nursery or wherever else during the working day) is my responsibility, hence me being a SAHP (well was, I work part time now).

our AN child can’t manage nursery/childminder and hubby works nights and hours that don’t fit with any childcare setting

That's different then isn't it. Because OP has already said her SEN child is at school from 8:30-3 every day. Would you find it as difficult if your AN child was out of the house during the day Mon-Fri? Or would you have more time to yourself? Would you be as busy? Of course you wouldn't. You're essentially saying the reason you're so busy and have so much to do during the day is because your child is with you and has AN and can't go to any childcare setting. That isn't the OPs situation, her child isn't at home during the day!