Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expecting HIM to do school run?

771 replies

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 08:36

Just wanted to get a idea if I’m out of order .
My Dh runs his own business and works long hours normally getting home at 12.30am..

I am a stay at home mum to our child plus my elder child who has sen.

We have a agreement where Dh takes our son to school each morning and I do all pick ups.

He has said as he’s is working so hard at his shop it’s really not fair for him to get up at 8.15am Monday to Friday to do this .. hinting I should do it .

I don’t like school runs but do all pick ups. I also do all the housework / cooking / cleaning / appointments / admin/ planning/ paying bills / taking kids to clubs / activities .. you know the list is endless.

The only things my husband does is this school run and taking the bin out once a week. Nothing else .

some might think as I’m a stay at home mum I should do it but if I do ( I’m already up each morning and all the work of getting the kids ready for school is done , he literally just drives our child ) then he literally does one thing a week - the bin.

I could take my child but I don’t see why I should. I get he works long hours and in the summer holidays he’s been getting up at 10.30am every morning so to have to wake up at 8.15 he isn’t going to like but he doesn’t have to do it during the holidays / half terms and weekend …

Am I wrong ? am I being lazy ?

OP posts:
Namechanger355 · 02/09/2022 10:25

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 10:19

What other ways can he help me when he’s never here ? People have said get him to pick up other tasks but what ? I’d love some suggestions

Hmm you work until midnight and he stays at home and does the school run

im guessing that doesn’t sound so appealing to someone like you though

ApolloandDaphne · 02/09/2022 10:25

OP - you said in an earlier post you do "adult work". I read that to mean you do webcam type work. Is that the case? No judgement, it would just clarify how you manage to provide financially from home.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 10:26

ApolloandDaphne · 02/09/2022 10:25

OP - you said in an earlier post you do "adult work". I read that to mean you do webcam type work. Is that the case? No judgement, it would just clarify how you manage to provide financially from home.

No that's something someone suggested as to how she has money

BlackeyedSusan · 02/09/2022 10:26

Compromise. Swap the task for something else.

Libertyqueen · 02/09/2022 10:26

CanneBBothered · 02/09/2022 10:23

Why would doing the school runs as a SAHP prevent you from being able to split them when you go back to work? Unless you're saying you didn't trust your husband to split things with you when you did go back to work?

Surely as a SAHP your 'job' is the childcare and the working parents is work.

Obviously when you are no longer a SAHP, that's when you look to split things and any spouse then refusing to do so would be a dick.

Show quote history

In my experience many SAHMs end up doing it longer or doing it all because their children and/or spouse can’t cope with them not being available for all childcare/domestic tasks. I can’t even begin to count the number of women trapped by outwardly good partners who are either really or faux incapable of remembering a book bag.
I am very glad that we split school runs when I was a SAHM and it contributed to me being able to go back to work in a well paid job, confident my DH would be absolutely fine continuing to do half the school runs, as he had always done.

CanneBBothered · 02/09/2022 10:26

knittingaddict · 02/09/2022 10:24

Dad's who don't do the school run are perfectly capable of caring for their own children. 🙄

Show quote history

Who'd have thought it!

I can't imagine refusing to do a very basic part of being a SAHP just so my husband could prove to me that he could do it if necessary.

My DH rarely takes our child to nursery because of his working hours, believe it or not he's still been capable of doing that on the occasions I've needed to be in earlier or I've been unwell or whatever else.

Beamur · 02/09/2022 10:27

He doesn't seem to actually get much time with the kids. I'd have thought he'd want to do it so he could spend some time with them.

Starseeking · 02/09/2022 10:27

Littlebluedinosaur · 02/09/2022 09:21

How are you the main provider if you don’t work?

This, this and this!

Why aren't you answering the question about who provides for your household?

From the information you have shared here, your DH is working 13 hour days, 6 days a week and not getting home until 1am. He sounds like he is single-handedly supporting the family financially quite well, unless the shop/takeaway makes absolutely no money.

Unless you're about to share a massive dripfeed, as the SAHP, all the school runs are your domain. You're up and getting the DC ready, there's really no point your DH having disturbed sleep while you have a rest, given you'll have between 9am-3pm to sit and have a rest whenever you like!

Was it a joint decision for you to be one a SAHP? You sound resentful of the requirements.

knittingaddict · 02/09/2022 10:28

ApolloandDaphne · 02/09/2022 10:25

OP - you said in an earlier post you do "adult work". I read that to mean you do webcam type work. Is that the case? No judgement, it would just clarify how you manage to provide financially from home.

It was confusing, but the op was giving a list of things people had suggested on other posts as to how she was a sahm and main provider. I read it like you at frist, but looking again op does not say what she is doing to earn money. Nothing, I'm guessing.

CanneBBothered · 02/09/2022 10:28

Libertyqueen · 02/09/2022 10:26

In my experience many SAHMs end up doing it longer or doing it all because their children and/or spouse can’t cope with them not being available for all childcare/domestic tasks. I can’t even begin to count the number of women trapped by outwardly good partners who are either really or faux incapable of remembering a book bag.
I am very glad that we split school runs when I was a SAHM and it contributed to me being able to go back to work in a well paid job, confident my DH would be absolutely fine continuing to do half the school runs, as he had always done.

Show quote history

I think there are bigger issues in your marriage though if you feel like your spouse has to prove they won't take the piss out of you when you're no longer a SAHP tbh.

Wishimaywishimight · 02/09/2022 10:29

Anyone else kind of admire how the OP has managed to avoid / ignore the very many questions about how she manages to be both the "main provider" and also a SAHM?

Reminds me of a book I read years ago - Wilt by Tom Sharpe. I have only the vaguest memories but he (Wilt) was arrested for something and managed to run rings around the police by managing never to give a straight answer to a question!

BattenburgDonkey · 02/09/2022 10:29

People aren’t attacking you for being on benefits, they are saying that if you are, that isn’t you ‘providing’, especially because if you are on benefits then they are means tested and so money is provided because he isn’t earning any in his business. YOU brought up your finances on this thread by claiming he makes no money, has debt, doesn’t contribute and that you are the main provider… everyone else just asked questions about it.

MuggleMe · 02/09/2022 10:30

If he doesn't want to do the school run he has to get up before he goes to work and do something useful, hang some washing out or clean the kitchen. I think if you'd led with aibu to want my DH to spend time with his DC more than once a week even if it means losing out on some sleep, you might have got a better response.

Dutchesss · 02/09/2022 10:30

Your partner works 6 days a week from 11am to 12:30am and you want him to wake up and do the school run while you're off work with no children at home? 😮😯😲 Very unreasonable, do you not care about him?

Meraas · 02/09/2022 10:31

He's barely even there, he's a ghost in your household.

He doesn't even offer financial support.

As you're the main provider, stop subsidising him and chuck him out.

Why have you settled for so little?

Wishimaywishimight · 02/09/2022 10:31

DancingBudgie · 02/09/2022 10:06

I'm getting the impression that the op couldn't lie straight in bed.

That made me laugh @DancingBudgie !

BattenburgDonkey · 02/09/2022 10:32

Brighton5555 · 02/09/2022 10:19

What other ways can he help me when he’s never here ? People have said get him to pick up other tasks but what ? I’d love some suggestions

If hes not doing the school runs he can still get up a little before work and do the washing up or something like that. Hard to say what without knowing what needs doing but he can spend an hour each morning before work helping with something. I agree he needs to do something but you are a stay at home parent and he’s trying to make this business successful for all of you so it’s inevitable he won’t have time to do much.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 02/09/2022 10:34

I posted to see if I was being wrong or lazy.

You are. Both. HTH

Libertyqueen · 02/09/2022 10:34

CanneBBothered · 02/09/2022 10:28

I think there are bigger issues in your marriage though if you feel like your spouse has to prove they won't take the piss out of you when you're no longer a SAHP tbh.

Show quote history

My marriage is great, thanks. Part of the reason for that is that we have an equal one.

Axahooxa · 02/09/2022 10:36

I’m with you. 💯

He should do it to take part in family life.
To support you.
And to see his own children!!

Hagpie · 02/09/2022 10:36

When he’s home he does 50/50. Can’t ask to have things taken off his shoulders when you’ve got the family on your back tbh I wouldn’t know how to cope it I had someone like your DH. Mine does 12 hour shifts (we both did until recently) and he works 6 days a week when he can get the hours. I asked my partner how much shitter my life would be if he would only take out the bins once and week and DP was shocked at your DH not getting kids ready, washing up, cooking … none of it. All of my friends’ relationships are on the brink because their partner is useless (it doesn’t matter if the woman works or not they will still do NOTHING). The bin once a week? Bin him! Resentment is poison and you will die young changing your DH’s nappies before he quickly remarries his next mummy.

CanneBBothered · 02/09/2022 10:37

Libertyqueen · 02/09/2022 10:34

My marriage is great, thanks. Part of the reason for that is that we have an equal one.

Show quote history

An equal one where one works and the other stays at home but won't do the very basic thing of taking the children to school half the time? Okay.

Surely as a SAHP to school aged children that's one of the main things you do? Each to their own.

Libertyqueen · 02/09/2022 10:41

I went back to work when my youngest started school but I was fortunate to be able to do that quickly. I still believe that most SAHMs do a hell of a lot more than they get credit for and are often run into the ground which contributes to them then not being able to go back to work. I was able to have the headspace to apply for jobs, maintain my health etc because I didn’t do everything domestically, although I still did the vast majority. If the OP need her DH to do the school run in return for doing almost everything else then frankly he should.

Brefugee · 02/09/2022 10:41

He works hard but he has no other responsibilities. He completely gets to focus there because I carry everything here .

tell you what, if i had a partner at home and i was earning the rent/mortgage etc, and not getting home until gone midnight, there is no way in hell i'd be getting up in time to do the school run.

SunnyD44 · 02/09/2022 10:43

Why are you so resentful of him?
Do you even like him?

If you have such an issue then why don’t you get a job so he can reduce his hours.

Then you’ll both be responsible for doing pre childcare and housework.

You asked if you were lazy or in the wrong.

It’s unanimous that you are both (very rare for MN to all go against the SAHM and support the DH) yet you are still acting like you are being hard done by.