Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I pay for the damage I caused?

395 replies

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 21:14

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Fisifoofoo · 02/09/2022 07:48

Lippyass · 01/09/2022 21:32

Of course you pay for the damage you caused.

OP offered and he refused over a year ago and has now changed his mind. He’s had his chance!

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 02/09/2022 07:50

I’d give him the £150 that your excess would be aid leave him. This is a massive red flag and £150 is a small price to pay to discover that before you buy a house/get married/have kids

WaltzingWaters · 02/09/2022 07:56

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:03

It makes me feel very uneasy. I offered to sort it at the time. I find it really strange that he's asked for the money so long after the event; I definitely wouldn't do that, even asking a friend I'd feel like a CF. Our relationship has developed so much too, to the point were meant to be aiming to be a team and buy a house together.

I wouldn't say I am poor. I have managed to save a little amount of money, I'm a spend thrift and go without a lot of luxuries that most people consider normal For example, I only have Freeview, and I don't pay for any other TV channels or streaming, I shop at Aldi etc. He knows about my small amount of savings because we are meant to be buying a house together. I have stressed to him how worried I am about money in the next few months, and how I expect to have little to no savings left after this winter, with my fuel bill expected to rise to £400 per month. I also want to add that I do lots of favours for him too, for instance I let him borrow my car for the day whilst his was being repaired, he had to drive quite some distance and now my cars tank is almost empty (not that I would expect or ask him to replace the fuel anyway)! I just find the whole thing odd.

Tell him the cost to borrow your car for the day was £200. £100 for the tank of petrol he didn’t refill. You’re even.

seriously though, very strange of him and I’d have serious chats with him about how things will work if you buy a house/have kids etc because he sounds as though he could become very abusive regarding finances.

bellabasset · 02/09/2022 08:00

First of all what is your excess as quite often £250 now for motor policies. As others have said you cannot now claim for this scrape. I think you have to be firm with your bf and tell him you'd been willibg to put a claim in at the time of the accident and that opportunity has passed. Just then mention that he's used £60 or £80 pounds of petrol when he used your car recently.

Whatever your relationship is now it's a different situation when you join your lives together and have children. If there is this 'pettiness' or lack of generosity about money it will taint your relationship forever. My parents married during WW2 and my dm saved the money he sent her and did an evening job so they were able to buy a house. Dad did 2 jobs and mum managed the bills as week as working more. They shared what they had and were very happy. As a child you don't appreciate how lucky you are. I used to say to my dm that friends at school had presents from each parent. My dm said our presents were from both of them. I never forgot that.

.

Marmite17 · 02/09/2022 08:03

OP seems to be talking about buying a house when they have never lived together. Correct me if I'm wrong OP.

itrytomakemyway · 02/09/2022 08:07

He earns over 100K yet buys a car on finance? And he is hassling you over £300.

This is not a man I would trust with my future finances.

Kashmirsilver · 02/09/2022 08:07

Surely a claim cannot be made retrospectively in any case? The reason he doesn't wish to pursue thru via insurance is he may end up paying twice. Once direct to the car company and via his premiums rising.
You should've paid at the time, cash in hand.
If you cannot afford £300 why are you buying a house?

Sounds to me like you're avoiding responsibility and are financially out of your depth.
Then learn how to drive.

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/09/2022 08:13

18 months on and the repairs have been done - you've no chance of claiming on insurance.

I think you should make a contribution towards the costs.

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/09/2022 08:14

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/09/2022 08:13

18 months on and the repairs have been done - you've no chance of claiming on insurance.

I think you should make a contribution towards the costs.

Sorry I missed he earns £100k. He can afford it.

VirtualSquid · 02/09/2022 08:18

I wouldn't say I am poor. I have managed to save a little amount of money, I'm a spend thrift and go without a lot of luxuries

Spend thrift doesn't mean what you think it does, OP. Just an FYI because it sounds like you need to have some serious conversations about money and you don't want to be referring to yourself as a spendthrift when that's not the case.

Hurrrrah · 02/09/2022 08:23

Earns over 100k and is chasing his gf who he knows doesn't earn much for £300 to repair accidental damage 18 months ago? Nah. Once I got to the point of house buying with my bf (now husband) we merged our money, there was no yours and mine (we got married a few months after buying anyway). Even if he doesn't want to merge assets making you pay when he clearly isn't needing it is really unattractive, I'd reconsider the relationship.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2022 08:32

You need to ask him WHY.

I offered to pay 18 months ago, you now know I'm pretty skint l, using any savings I have to get through the winter and sort us moving in together so why are you asking for this money now? I was happy to pay at the time, but it isn't feeling much like we're a team when you're pressuring me to NOW pay something I can't afford.

Also, are you clear about how finances will work when you lvie together? You'll lose nay benefits, CB etc. Is he up for paying his PROPORTION not his half?

Choconut · 02/09/2022 08:38

Give him the money, leave him and know that you got off lightly. Imagine how this would play itself out over the long term.

Marmite17 · 02/09/2022 08:38

Seriously she owes nothing. If it wasn't his girlfriend it would be a clear f off. Wonder if he'd actually dare asking.

SweepItUnderTheCarpet · 02/09/2022 08:41

That's really shitty of him. I'd be rethinking the relationship. Can you normally talk about money?

Dotjones · 02/09/2022 08:47

You've (probably) already committed fraud so it would be very risky getting the insurance company involved now. (Usually policies require you to inform the insurer of any incident that "could" have resulted in a claim, even if a claim wasn't made - so technically they could invalidate your insurance for not having declared this incident.)

You have to just consider whether the £300 - which is less than the damage cost - is worth it to continue the relationship which is presumably financially beneficial to you, I am assuming you wouldn't be able to afford the same home if you didn't have his vastly larger wage.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/09/2022 08:49

That’s not what spend thrift means

comingintomyown · 02/09/2022 08:50

Focus on what this sudden request says about him, it is absurd to be asking you for money all this time later particularly as you fully offered to pay up at the time. Unless the damage you did was significantly more than the other dinks dents and scratches then asking for a third of the cost from you is ridiculous plus he earns £100k ?
Please don’t buy a property with this man or accept his apologies when he realises this isn’t going to fly, however much you are in love with him make the break

MsRosley · 02/09/2022 08:52

OnaBegonia · 01/09/2022 21:22

Nothing less attractive than a tight fisted man. Earns over £100k and is asking for £300 after 18mths, do not buy a house with him.

This.

billy1966 · 02/09/2022 09:01

MsRosley · 02/09/2022 08:52

This.

Show quote history

The ship has sailed where you will be now paying for it.

You are uneasy?

That is your gut warning you to be careful.

This is a mean tight fisted man.

Meanness goes to the core of a persons character, way ahead of love or kindness.

Mean people are incapable of really loving a person or thinking of their best interests, because they are ALWAYS out for themselves and coming out ahead.

18 months in you are seeing who he really is.

A mean man.
Nothing less attractive.

Run.

NigellaAwesome · 02/09/2022 09:02

Just another one saying to make sure you do not buy a house with this guy.

You offered to pay at the time - he didn't accept. Circumstances have changed and you can no longer afford it. On £100K he should be taking home £5 1/2K a month - so why is he being so petty?

He is either tight, or a gambler, or a snorter.

Run - he is not planning to go into this as an equal partner.

Quitelikeacatslife · 02/09/2022 09:04

Spendthrift means being extravagant and spending money on daft things. The opposite of what you mean.
I know it's not that relevant here but just in case you describe yourself as that in future
I can see why there is confusion as you are obviously thrifty about spending , but there you go, that's language for you

On the issue I'd explain about how you are not happy being asked now, how that amount of money is a lot to you in comparison to him. Although it is fair you caused the damage, if he insists you will pay the excess £150 that you would have paid at the time . Explain if he is being all fair then he owes you for the petrol he used (as he would have paid in a courtesy car) and also that you have lost the opportunity to get your car repaired on insurance and you cannot afford to do that now.
It will be a test to see how he reacts
It could be because he has plenty of money that he doesn't see things from your perspective
Do you find yourself trying to keep up with him financially in other ways?

Thinkingblonde · 02/09/2022 09:07

Itwasntright · 01/09/2022 21:53

Its too late to claim through the insurance. Its already been repaired and it wasn't reported at the time. You offered a solution at the time that he didn't want to take up, so it's his own fault for not getting sorted at the time. I wouldn't buy a house with him.

Exactly this. Plus the fact you offered to go through your insurance at the time of the incident. He only said no because he probably thought it would affect his own insurance. Not because he was being ‘nice’.
Even if an accident or scrape isn’t the claimants fault it can affect insurance with some insurance companies.

Bobbins36 · 02/09/2022 09:07

Offer to pay him the £300 in instalments you can afford, keeps you on the moral high ground. Then bin him off, sounds like a prick.

OGLittlePickerWithTheMassiveKnickers · 02/09/2022 09:14

1- Request copy of repair bill.

2- If bill makes sense, send him £150 stating it represents your insurance excess and that’s all you can afford.

3- Tell him he owes you for filling up your car’s tank of petrol (that is utterly bonkers he didn’t).

4- DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM.

5- Get a better boyfriend.

Good luck OP. You sound really nice and sensible. Please trust your gut on this.