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Original poster

Do I pay for the damage I caused?

395 replies

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 21:14

18 months ago, whilst reversing out of my boyfriend's drive, I accidentally scraped his car with my own. I was, of course, mortified and I offered at the time to go through my insurance and make a claim, or to pay to repair it privately. He told me not to worry about it and it hasn't been mentioned since.

My boyfriends car is on finance and he is now giving it back to the dealership and he is hoping to use his car to negotiate a deal on a new car. He recently got all of the scrapes repaired (including the one I caused) and it cost him just shy of £1,000. There was no mention of me paying anything towards this until after he had got the bill and had already paid. He is now asking me for a contribution of £300 towards the cost, for the scrape I caused. I've said that I'm happy to go through the insurance, but, even though I did offer cash 18 months ago, I now cannot afford to pay privately for the repair due to the cost of living. My boyfriend doesn't want to go through the insurance as he has had to make a claim recently and he worries it will affect his excess and future insurance costs. He's also said it is a lot of hassle to go through the insurance.

I do also find it a little odd to be asking for the money 18 months on, but that's by the by, and I haven't said that to him. Our relationship has moved on to the point where we will be buying a house together soon and it is serious. There's also a large wage disparity between us, I earn a modest wage with a benefit top up and he earns over £100k. That's not to say I shouldn't pay for damage I have caused, it's just the whole situation feels a bit off to me, especially to be asking for the money now so long after the incident.

What would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 02/09/2022 18:33

You wouldnt expect him to refuel your car after using all your petrol? He saw you coming for sure.

oosha · 02/09/2022 18:34

If he wanted to accept the money or be reimbursed via insurance he should have said so at the time. Quite frankly he needs to let it go. I would be addressing the expectation around bills etc especially moving in together, this could be a mistake and cause relationship issues if he expects you to go half. I am the higher earner currently in our family, I pick up most of the bills and hubbie chips in paying the food bill etc. We are happy with the arrangement because it means we both have some pennies for ourselves. Good luck in sorting it.

Grrrrdarling · 02/09/2022 18:35

Lippyass · 01/09/2022 21:32

Of course you pay for the damage you caused.

She already offered to pay for the damage. He refused the offer & said ‘it didn’t matter’. All he had to say was say it doesn’t matter for now but when I return my car I’ll have to get it fixed then.
He’s bang out of order & tight-fisted to boot!

PearlyShamps · 02/09/2022 18:36

Sorry if this has already been asked (I haven't read every single comment), but why does he think he will lose HIS no claims bonus if you claim on YOUR insurance? It wouldn't affect his no claims at all.

In any case, I think it is very unlikely that your insurance company would pay out at this point anyway, as the damage has already been fixed - so there is no longer evidence of the scratch, and no one can quote for the job.

Good luck with this tricky situation though... I hope you both come up with a solution that you're both happy with.

bubmut · 02/09/2022 18:37

It is a bit concerning to me, especially the amount he earns, I'd be worried

Goldpaw · 02/09/2022 18:39

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:03

It makes me feel very uneasy. I offered to sort it at the time. I find it really strange that he's asked for the money so long after the event; I definitely wouldn't do that, even asking a friend I'd feel like a CF. Our relationship has developed so much too, to the point were meant to be aiming to be a team and buy a house together.

I wouldn't say I am poor. I have managed to save a little amount of money, I'm a spend thrift and go without a lot of luxuries that most people consider normal For example, I only have Freeview, and I don't pay for any other TV channels or streaming, I shop at Aldi etc. He knows about my small amount of savings because we are meant to be buying a house together. I have stressed to him how worried I am about money in the next few months, and how I expect to have little to no savings left after this winter, with my fuel bill expected to rise to £400 per month. I also want to add that I do lots of favours for him too, for instance I let him borrow my car for the day whilst his was being repaired, he had to drive quite some distance and now my cars tank is almost empty (not that I would expect or ask him to replace the fuel anyway)! I just find the whole thing odd.

Please don't buy a house with this man, OP!

He knows money is tight yet, despite earning loads himself, he borrows your car and leaves you with no petrol.

And now wants money you offered 18 months ago which you could have paid through your insurance.

Please think about this more, I suspect he'll bleed you dry if you purchase a house together and he will complain you're not paying your way (even though you will be).

In the meantime, ensure your contraception is watertight and double up if you can.

There are red flags galore about this man in your posts

Tessabelle74 · 02/09/2022 18:40

DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN! You will end up bare foot and pregnant with nothing of your own and if he ever leaves, you'll be screwed! Tell him simply that you offered at the time, it's tough tits now. He couldn't claim on his insurance 18 months on so therefore it's morally shit to try and make you pay now

Parentsofaprincess · 02/09/2022 18:40

Sounds like he is a bit of a nob. Don't pay, and to be honest if my ex girlfriend did this to me she would have been my ex a lot sooner!

Grrrrdarling · 02/09/2022 18:41

GogglesM · 01/09/2022 22:03

It makes me feel very uneasy. I offered to sort it at the time. I find it really strange that he's asked for the money so long after the event; I definitely wouldn't do that, even asking a friend I'd feel like a CF. Our relationship has developed so much too, to the point were meant to be aiming to be a team and buy a house together.

I wouldn't say I am poor. I have managed to save a little amount of money, I'm a spend thrift and go without a lot of luxuries that most people consider normal For example, I only have Freeview, and I don't pay for any other TV channels or streaming, I shop at Aldi etc. He knows about my small amount of savings because we are meant to be buying a house together. I have stressed to him how worried I am about money in the next few months, and how I expect to have little to no savings left after this winter, with my fuel bill expected to rise to £400 per month. I also want to add that I do lots of favours for him too, for instance I let him borrow my car for the day whilst his was being repaired, he had to drive quite some distance and now my cars tank is almost empty (not that I would expect or ask him to replace the fuel anyway)! I just find the whole thing odd.

You shouldn’t expect him to or have had to ask him to refill your fuel tank he should have just done it as he used it. He earns more than enough to do so & gestures like that show that someone understands your financial situation & cares for you!
This makes your situation an even bigger RED FLAG to me!
Please seriously reconsider this relationship. If he is like this now imagine how he will be when your are living in ‘his house’ because he will always tell you it is his house because he will contribute the most to it!

linsey2581 · 02/09/2022 18:45

Ok it is a bit late in the day to be asking for money, but if you can't afford £300 to pay for a damaged car then how can you afford to buy a house? Just saying.

AnotherDoggy1 · 02/09/2022 18:47

I don't know I just don't think its very partner-y...?

My exH had a very very expensive sports car. We'd been together about 4 years and I opened the door into a wall. There was a bit of "FFS Another!!" It was his pride and joy. But he didn't make me pay to repair it. Like you, he earned a lot more than me at the time.

I think if you were both not earning much then I'd say it were reasonable for you to pay. But him earning so much more just makes me think that's a bit shitty of him and not really conductive of a partnership in my mind.

Misspepperpotts · 02/09/2022 18:48

I wouldn’t give this man the time of day! Is this sort of man you want to live with ?! So many red flags here.

Happyher · 02/09/2022 18:49

Offer him £10 a month. You could have claimed through insurance but because he told you not to it’s unlikely that you can now. And reconsider the house purchase. You seem to be seeing a different side to him

Lj99x · 02/09/2022 18:50

Please DO NOT buy a house with this man. It is 18 months on, you offered & he declined, that’s the end of it. I promise you living with him, he will always be well off & you will always be financially struggling.

DGay · 02/09/2022 18:50

I'd find a way to pay, just to get rid of him. Give to him and tell him, I hope it was worth it, then walk away. Find someone that isn't a tightwad. He will nickel and dime you if you get a house together.

Jobear2797 · 02/09/2022 18:51

Considering how much he earns I’d be very worried about moving in with him, he knows how little you earn and your mental health and welfare should mean a shed load more to him than £300.
Love is wanting to put the other persons happiness before your own, if he doesn’t see this is going to put you under pressure then why not for goodness sake.
I’d offer to pay £30 a month, or whatever you can afford, and explain its all you can afford at the mo and see how he reacts to that. Just a thought but for some people it can be just a point of principal, they get scared that a person is just with them for their money and so try to test it, perhaps that’s what he is doing?????? Not that I like that but I’ve seen and heard of it before and had one friend who was a multimillionaire many times over but really objected if a friend and especially girlfriend didn’t pay for a round of drinks and expected him to constantly pick up the bill, but it sounds like you’ve been with for a while so he should already know that’s not you as a person, so his behaviour is putting up red flags to me.
if he accepts a monthly payment and says yes that’s fine just pay what you can afford, or don’t worry forget it, all is good, but if he gets huffy with you or sulky or wants the whole £300 straight away I’d be running a mile, money shouldn’t be more important than your welfare ever, not in a long term relationship.
Good luck hun xxx

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 02/09/2022 18:52

Yep, I once lived with a man like that… never again!

Run….

Morganrae1 · 02/09/2022 18:54

You need to sit him down and talk about how buying a house together will work and how he expects you to pay your way. Will he expect you to pay half of everything? Will the house be in both of your names on an equal level? I would seriously think about whether this is the man for you. Is he generally generous or does he expect you to spend the same amount as him on a night out. I would be very worried if I were you.

DillDanding · 02/09/2022 18:55

This is your big red flag.

if he loved you, he would not be asking you for this money. Would you want to marry someone so parsimonious? Fair enough if it was a friend - but his partner? Come on…

puddlesofmothers · 02/09/2022 18:59

I know it's an awkward situation but this guy is doing you a massive favour by showing you how mean he is! You couldn't have done more, you offered at the time to go through insurance your conscience should now be clear. I hope you're able to split with him and he won't be able to spin it round on you being unreasonable.

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 02/09/2022 19:03

That's a very weird thing for him to do, after such a long time. You offered to pay at the time, so you did the right thing. It's on him that he refused your offer. It would be strange to be asking for the money now anyway, but it takes on a different edge considering he knows you are experiencing cost of living rises.

I would say this has happened just at the right time, and its an excellent warning sign that moving in with him would be a big mistake!

theonlygirl · 02/09/2022 19:03

he earns 100k and he wants you to pay £300 when you've told him you're struggling?? You offered to pay him at the time. he declined. think very carefully before you tie yourself to this individual. a large salary does not maketh the man. wow.

SunshineLoving · 02/09/2022 19:06

I am glad most pps on here have confirmed my thinking.

He's tight and not the sort of man I would ever be with.

If my partner scraped my car by accident, I would never ask him him for money. The same if one of my family did this. I would only ever ask if I was struggling for money and couldn't repair it myself and I would tell them that this is why I was asking.

Earning over 100k suggests very much that he's not hard up. I would be ending this relationship if I was you. I would not take it any further with a man who treated me like this.

MamaBearof4 · 02/09/2022 19:11

If he's serious about you paying after 18months and the offer of cash at the time/insurance claim has been turned down, when he has no money issues AND knowing that you earn nowhere near as much, I'd tell him to get stuffed. If he really wants the money, heel have to go through the insurance and have to explain why he's waited so long and already had and paid for the work. You're on the brink of moving in with him and if he's already insisting you pay for things he knows you can't afford, it doesn't bode well.
You need to be having a serious discussion on how the financial side of things will work once you're living together. You'll loose your benefit top-up once living with him, and if he's expecting you to pay 50% of everything, you'll be in debt in no time while he's out partying and it's things like that that can destroy a relationship.
Think carefully honey xxx

Katekeeprunning · 02/09/2022 19:11

Good response