Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

[AlenaMacc]

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

How early do you think she should go?

She's said the party is "out of town" so assume there is some travel time, and she said she could come at 7pm, which suggests that her baby needs to be fed around 6pm ish.

If she "went early" she would presumably need to leave by about 5pm which might well be before the party has even started.

This OP

What does "prioritising the party" mean?

The way I'm reading it, she didn't know there was a party until she mentioned to her friend that she would be in the country that weekend and her friend invited her to it.

Are you saying that the OP should have said, months ago, "Hey friend, what are you doing for your birthday this year? If you're having a party, let me know and I'll make sure I'm in the country for it!" and that her failure to do that justifies her ex being given a right of veto over her attendance?

What a bizarre take.

Actually if I'm prioritising a friend's party then I prioritise it. So yy I have taken two trains and a flight, to be at a friend's party for a few hours because I also had work commitments. When back home, I always schedule at least one night where I book the hotel closest to my best friend's house so I can spend time with her, put my baby to bed, then pop back over to her's again or she comes over to the hotel and we sit in the bar.
I have friends that I wouldn't prioritise in that way but I wouldn't call them close friends.

If your presence at your “good friend’s” birthday party makes said friend uncomfortable, then there is no friendship in the first place.

OP was disinvited by the friend... the FRIEND does not want her there and is using the ex as an excuse.

My DH best friend invited his ex who he dated for 6 months 18 years ago that moved away and non of them have seen since to their wedding, didnt even tell DH because the party person controls the wedding not the guests. DH spent the wedding avoiding her, I said some polite hellos which she mostly ignored and life went on fine.

It is SOLEY on the host (the birthday girl) who choose to disinvite this self proclaimed 'super close friend' who attempts to see he if she has nothing else on twice a year.

Your so-called friend is a disloyal, self-serving bitch.

I’m finding this discussion really interesting and helpful - I’ve already gathered a new perspective on things.

In the meantime, I want to explain why I didn’t ask about her birthday before as this gets commented on a lot.

She is a very private person and rarely celebrates birthdays with anyone other than her fiancé. I thought that it’s very likely that this is the case for her 30th as well, or maybe she has organised a small celebration for her family. I didn’t want her to think that I am inviting myself, that I expect an invitation or that I expect her to make time for me on her big birthday. Of course she knows that I will gladly come to her birthday - I have flown over for birthdays before. Also I congratulate her every year, I send her thoughtful gifts, one of the last ones made her tear up (as I had written a heartfelt card about how difficult it is to not see her often) and her fiancé even managed to get her reaction on video which was very endearing.

Actually if I'm prioritising a friend's party then I prioritise it.

What does this mean?

How do you prioritise a party before you know it's happening?

The OP told her friend she was going to be in the country, the friend said, "oh great, I'm having my birthday party, would you like to come?" and the OP said "yes I would".

It doesn't seem as though the OP showing up at 7pm - which is not exactly late assuming the party is in the evening - is an issue. It's the fact that the OP's friend has decided she wants her gone by then in order not to upset the ex boyfriend who is behaving like a child.

Your commitment to attending friends' parties is commendable but you didn't actually answer the question so I will answer it again:

Would you make that much effort to attend a party which the host wanted you to leave before it had really got started because one of the other guests didn't want you there?

And if the answer is yes, do you have the word "mug" tattooed on your forehead, or your backside?

It is a shitty situation and you are right to feel upset / hurt but I would not be willing to let a friendship go with someone I called my best friend and had as a bridesmaid.

At the party, chances are you won't get any quality time with her, as she will be busy mingling with everyone there, and you might leave feeling deflated you made an effort attending and didn't get to speak with her. Whereas 1 to 1 you will get quality time with her, can bring your child to see her, have a proper catch up, choose a time that suits you, seems like a good compromise.

In years to come are you really willing to be sitting with your grandkids looking at wedding photos "oh that girl.. Yeah we used to be BEST friends but she suggested I meet her on a different day instead of attending her party once so I stopped being friends with her".....

If the friend didn't want her there then presumably she would not have told her about the party in the first place or invited her, and so she wouldn't need the ex as an excuse.

Good for you, but I’m sure if your best friend put a curfew on those visits for arbitrary reasons, or told you that you could not attend her birthday party because she had prioritised your ex boyfriend from high school’s immaturity, even though you had travelled some distance and made some efforts to be there, you might make less effort next time.

What you do for your best friend has little to no relevance to the issue at hand.

Does she know how controlling your ex was, OP?

I'd drop it, not go and massively distance myself.

Well I certainly wouldn’t be bothering to make myself available to meet on Monday - if she wants to prioritise a man-baby throwing a tantrum then fine, I’d just distance myself from the friendship.

She does not. I have decided that after the party, I will text her and explain the whole situation to her, how he was controlling etc.

That utterly stinks @AlenaMacc Sorry, but I would find it VERY hard to stay friends with this woman. She clearly doesn't think you are such close friends as YOU think you are. No really close friend would choose a random bloke she has not seen for years (and has fuck-all to do with,) over a very good close friend.

Personally, I would not go now, and I would go back to the country you live now, and just block her. Being a bit older than you (maybe 20 years,) I have suffered a lot of shitty behaviour from people over the years, some who are meant to be friends, and I have subsequently grown a skin like a rhino. I don't suffer fools gladly anymore, and I would be binning her off and blocking her on everything. This is NOT the behaviour of a friend.

Sorry.

Oh and P.S. Your ex sounds pathetic, petty, childish, and petulant, and like he is definitely not over you. You dated at school, and now you're all what... in your 30s now??! He needs to move on FFS.

Give your lovely baby a hug from me! 😘

I'd be tempted to tell her now.

Not necessarily in any great detail, but something like this:

"Hi friend, I'm really disappointed about this because you clearly wanted both your friends to attend, I am quite happy to be in the same room as him and behave like a civilised adult, and he is the only person making this a problem. I have never really told you the full story about why we broke up because I didn't want to put you in an awkward position, but the truth is that he was incredibly controlling. This just feels like yet another example of him trying to control me, ten years after we split up, by dictating whether or not I can come to your party, and it makes me sad that you've given him that kind of power. I was really looking forward to celebrating with you but I don't really want to attend a party that I have to leave before it's even really got started just because he doesn't want me there."

I have no idea why she didnt just say to both of you that the other would be at the party, come if you want. She has made this all a drama by giving choices and asking if people mind about who she is inviting to HER party, its madness.

Ditch the Monday. Honestly, i couldnt look at her in the same way again. Be honest that you are hurt, let her own that, why should you tip toe around her feelings when she has let someone she barely knows stomp all over yours.
We just outgrow some friendships and move on, it does take away what we used to have, but you have to protect yourself and if she is going to make you feel crap avoid the drama.

She does not. I have decided that after the party, I will text her and explain the whole situation to her, how he was controlling etc.

Be prepared for her not to believe you.
I spilt with my ex because he was emotionally and financially abusive ( he also cheated) and because the spilt apparently caused him to have a breakdown I didn't really tell anyone the full story. I was trying to be nice. I wish I hadn't as he managed to tell his version and paint me as the bad guy.

With this update, it's very likely she has a different version of events hence why she's prioritising him. He would have told everyone who will listen you are the 'crazy bitch ex'.

I am surprised though as a close friend she doesn't know what happened. I think at this stage I'd remain polite friends but I'd stop making an effort.

This is nuts (or as others have said she's actually closer to him). I would tell her how I feel now. In my view somebody who de-invites from a party isn't a friend so if she maintains this attitude I'd step away from the friendship

I agree with this.

The original breakup obviously had a far greater long term effect on him than it did on you. If I understand your post correctly it took him years to get over it, so it's understandable that he doesn't want to rake the whole thing up again by seeing you being happy and fulfilled.
Maybe your friend understands this and sees that by just casually saying to him 'sorry, you can't come now because OP has turned up unexpectedly and I like her a whole lot more than you, so bye bye.

Your friend is in a difficult situation and I think she's being courageous by doing the right thing.

If the Op had any empathy she would understand it as well.

Yes I agree she probably won't believe you. She shouldn't have prioritised him anyway. No wonder you're hurt.

Ask her to tell him what time you will be there. He can avoid that time if he wants to avoid seeing you.