Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

[AlenaMacc]

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

Maybe your friend understands this and sees that by just casually saying to him 'sorry, you can't come now because OP has turned up unexpectedly and I like her a whole lot more than you, so bye bye.

But he can come, and behave like a grown up.

She's made her bed - she's being absolutely pathetic indulging this man child over one of her oldest friends. She'd no longer be a friend of mine.
After 10 years he should be capable of being in a room with you - this was a brief relationship, not a marriage. He sounds fucking batshit tbh. The only correct way for her to have handled this is to let him know and to give him the option of ducking out if he can't face it, not allowing him to dictate the guest list.
I would not see her on Monday - she'd get a text saying that it's clear you aren't friends from the appalling way she behaved over her party and that you've decided to see someone who values your friendship instead!
Her loss!

Your friend sounds like the sort of person who wants to please everybody. Perhaps in the circumstances she should have said to your ex that he shouldn't come if he's not comfortable seeing you, but instead she's tried to suggest you catch up separately, perhaps thinking that everyone will be happy that way. YANBU to feel hurt but I don't think you should assume she doesn't value her friendship with you. She may also feel that since she invited the ex first and you more recently, it's more difficult to 'un-invite' him.

Also, I do understand your ex's feelings. I have one particular ex who I broke up with a long-time ago, but he broke my heart and I was completely devastated. I have moved on and am happy in my current relationship but I still would not want to attend a social event that my ex was at.

I have decided that after the party, I will text her and explain the whole situation to her, how he was controlling etc.

No, don't do that. She won't listen to you, she might even show the text to your ex.
She's told you that you aren't welcome at the party because your ex objects - she isn't your friend. She is friends with him. He's whipping up a whole drama around the party and everyone's getting involved, take a massive step back and leave them to get on with it.

Are you the ex boyfriend?

Cancel Monday and suggest she sees if the ex is free instead….

Is that too childish? Probably, but I don’t care.

@ImAvingOops

I would not see her on Monday - she'd get a text saying that it's clear you aren't friends from the appalling way she behaved over her party and that you've decided to see someone who values your friendship instead! Her loss!

Yep this! ^ And after that (as I said) I would block her on everything and bin her off. Also as I said before, this ex sounds like a pathetic, petty, childish, petulant manchild who probably still has his mum doing his washing and cooking for him.

This is crazy. I have high school exes I would rather not see, but I would never demand that they not come especially if the party was one of their best friends. It sounds to me like he's scared of you telling your side of the story, likely he's spun a completely different tale to all your friends.

If I was you friend I would give him heads up so he could choose not to come. She is completely wrong to uninvite you over this, unless as others have said she has not been upfront about how close she is with him and his gf.

Yep - this.

She clearly doesn't want to rock the boat with him. Why? Why does he get to dictate her guest list? Why is he such an important VIP guest that he gets priority over one of her closest friends?
OP - you are deemed as 'old reliable' who won't make a fuss/a pushover, whose feelings do not matter. Gently, I can see why she may view you like this, as you are too scared to mention how much she has hurt your feelings, for fear of spoiling her party. The party isn't until Saturday - in 2 days, she will either process your feelings, and accept they are valid, and resolve the issue, or she will have 2 days to think, 'whatever', and shrug it off, and still go to her party, have some drinks and a good time.

The fact that you did not tell her how controlling your ex was, and not what to share your feelings now, for fear of upsetting her, suggests that this isn't really as close a friendship as you think it is. I'm sorry.

Personally I wouldn't go to a party I'd been uninvited to.
I would arrange a meeting with this friend on Monday, not as an extension of her birthday celebrations, but to have a face to face conversation about how her decision to exclude me had made me feel.

Her answers may also be hurtful, but I think it's better than hanging on to a someone who doesn't value a friendship in the same way you do.

Your ex sounds a nightmare, god knows what he has been saying, is there anyway of checking?

Personally I think your friend has shown her true colours by prioritising your ex over you. As he is the one saying there’s issues if you both go then he should be the one told not to go.

the fact your friend didn’t do this shows the importance of your friendship isn’t that strong to her.

I wouldn’t prioritise her on the list of people to see when you come home!

I’d tell her that you hope she has a lovely evening but you won’t be attending as she obviously doesn’t value your friendship as closely as you value hers.

Christ people who marry have kids and divorce have to then deal with each other like adults he is being utterly pathetic. Ok if you’re under 21 say but an adult? Embarrassing.

He doesn't want you there because he's scared you will tell people what a controlling shit he was.

If my friend did this, it would be the end of our relationship.

Hmm.

And how many of those people would choose to have nothing to do with each other if there weren't children involved?

I'm betting quite a few.

I have no DC's and absolutely no desire to hang out with any of my ex's. I don't think that's a particularly childish view to have 🤷🏻‍♀️

Attending the same persons party isn't exactly "hanging out with the ex" though is it?

Agreed.

I wouldn't attend something I have been invited to.
Too much self respect.
Nor would I argue the point.

Imagine allowing the ex boyfriend from a decade ago, of any friend, not to mind a so called good friend, dictate who attends your birthday.

Even her asking such a question about a ten year old teen thing is frankly we

Time to move on and focus on other relationships.

A real friend would have been thrilled you could make it, not mention so teen ex you have.

This is someone you dated in High School ten years ago and he has only just started dating again as he was so distraught? He needs professional help.

He doesn't want you there because he's scared you will tell people what a controlling shit he was.

Exactly. Are the people who bullied you after the break up going to be there?

And it doesn’t look like he has changed in the intervening years.

It is her party, she can invite or disinvite who she wants.

Either she invited you out of duty expecting you to say you couldn’t go as the friendship just isn’t there anymore as your friend has a much closer relationship with your ex than she is letting on.

Or she did want you there but your ex is calling the shots on who she invites to HER party.

Why on Earth did she invite you if she was then going to ask him for his permission?

I'm another who wouldn't be meeting her on Monday. Why waste time on someone that doesn't value you?

She hasn't done the right thing.

Depends on the party and the dynamic, surely?

A big group of 30+ people is very different to dinner and drinks in a group of 6-8.

Are you the ex boyfriend?

No, but in my job I've had to deal with many people who have had self confidence destroyed by others actions (This is not to say that this is OP's fault or even that those I dealt with in my job were victims) so I sometimes see things from a different angle . Having to deal with consequences (deserved or not) is tough

I am afraid that this isn´t as close a friendship as you think it is. Step back, do not arrange anything for Monday, be unavailable as someone has put you on the spot and you are sorry (not sorry) but your Monday meeting needs to be postponed, and then just let it not happen, ever.
I would never push to attend a party where I had been disinvited, have some self respect people.
And this friendship would fade into the past. I think she has already moved on and if you had stopped buying the thoughtful gifts etc etc she would not have made contact again.

She is probably closer to the ex and his new GF than she is letting on.If you are living abroad and she is here in UK then she is seeing them regularly I think .I would not go and not see her Monday either . She has treated you badly ,she should explain that she asked you first and see him and his GF on Monday!