Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

[AlenaMacc]

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

I would be re thinking my friendship with her, fair enough if she wanted to warn him that you will be there but letting him tell her not to invite you? wtf?? I'd actually cut ties with that girl over something like that

But it's perfectly possible for them both to attend and behave like civilised grown ups.

Why should the person choosing to behave like a teenager just to get one over on his ex girlfriend from school be prioritised?

I've never lived abroad but I remember how hectic it was travelling the length of the country with my young children and trying to make time for all of my friends and family. If this is the way she is going to treat you, don't waste precious visiting time on her.

OP is not the most important person in this scenario, her friend is.
Yes the ex reaction seems extreme, but OPs friend is willing to facilitate it. Makes me wonder how 'messy' the break up was, and if friend is trying to nurture new friendships & doesn't want to burn bridges over one person who she rarely sees.

This.

I would not be attending any party where I was the only person with a time restricted invitation.

If you RTFT, you won’t have to wonder how messy the break up was…

Since you live abroad its not likely you will see your friend very often. Its annoying but looks like the decision has been made for whatever reason. I aagree with the folk who say she is probably good friends with your ex.

Your friend has a closer relationship with your ex if he lives locally and is part of her immediate circle, or at least far more than you if you live abroad. Nothing you can do about it except to meet her seperately as suggested. No point in falling out with her.

You live abroad and its 'lucky' you happened to be here and you'll leave and join the celebration late when you are finished with your family stuff... yet shes the closest of your super close friends?

People drift apart, countries apart is a BIG drift and arent close anymore.

It sounds like you havent made a great effort to stay that involved in her life so to her your not that close anymore whereas she HAS stayed involved with others locally incluing a rekindled friendship with your ex.

Well we only know OPs side of the story.
I wonder why her ex is still so hurt, and why her friend is willing to accept his request over hers.
But then OP will drop friend over this perceived snub, so perhaps it's no loss on all sides!

Or you could just turn up for the party and let it all kick off . . . 😈😈😈

I would just let this friendship go. You only see each other 1-2 times a year so it's not going to create a massive hole in your social life. Equally, you only see each other 1-2 times yet she is prioritising your controlling nasty ex over celebrating her milestone birthday with you. That says a lot.

None of this is relevant.

The OP's friend wanted both of her friends to come to her party.

The OP has no problem attending the party with her ex boyfriend there.

The OP's ex is the only person determined to make it a problem.

YABU. You don't live in country. He does. You also have no idea how close their friendship has become and she's unlikely to tell you because of all the baggage between you. You don't just randomly go out for a meal with someone from high school and his gf; and then invite them to your birthday party.

You didn't prioritise her party. You didn't ask if she was celebrating. You didn't commit to being in the area for it. You didn't consider adjusting any of your baby's schedule for one night for your best friend's milestone birthday. In fact, the most keen you have appeared about the party is once you heard your ex was going. Either go to the party or don't - but that is your choice. It's your choice not to express. Just as it was your choice not to prioritise the party over 'travelling about' when you arrived. I'm not criticising your choices. But you need to 'own' them - and not blame your friend for them.

He's still trying to control you, isn't he? It was absolutely no surprise to hear he'd been controlling in the relationship.

And to those saying we've only heard 1 side of the story, I tend to believe her version because the exes reaction very much ties in with someone who is controlling, he'll be delighted he's managed to get her uninvited from her own friends party all these years after he had no control. It's a really horrible position he put the OPs friend in (and she should have told him not to come imo if he had an issue)

But then OP will drop friend over this perceived snub

There is nothing "perceived" about this snub @Ihaventgottimeforthis

You didn't consider adjusting any of your baby's schedule for one night for your best friend's milestone birthday.

No, I don't think many people would consider adjusting their baby's schedule so that they could travel some distance to attend a party for an hour and then leave by the back door so as not to upset someone else who didn't want them to be invited and travel back home again, missing most of the party.

Would you?

Are so many Mumsnetters so desperate for even bad friends that they’re completing overlooking how controlling this man was to OP and how her friend seems to be ok with this?

Lol yes of course the baby should wait to be fed. That’s a totally reasonable decision.

in all of this, suggesting the actual baby is the one to make a sacrifice so that the man-baby gets his way is of course the only option.

Is your DP the person you were chatting to on Facebook before you dumped your ex?

It's your choice not to express. Just as it was your choice not to prioritise the party over 'travelling about' when you arrived.

What difference would it have made if she had "prioritised the party" given that her ex has been given a right of veto over her attendance?

This is very immature of your friend quite frankly. I'v never understood this mindset that if two of MY friends have an issue with each other, I have to make a choice between them for my big birthday. It's bollocks.

The correct answer for her to both you and your ex is, "I'm inviting two people I care about to my party. I won't seat you together but otherwise, I expect you to act like rational adults"

Actually can you go early and just not leave? Your ex will either be a twat and ruin the party, or he'll be a coward and say nothing. Either way he doesn't control you.

We don't know that her ex would have been given veto if OP had prioritised the party. It just seems OP wasn't particularly bothered about the party until it became some kind of competition between her and her ex.