Close friend uninvited me from 30th because of my ex

[AlenaMacc]

It’s a long story so please bear with me.

One of my closest friends is celebrating her 30th birthday this Saturday and has invited me to the party (I live abroad so it was amazing luck that I happened to be here for it). I told her I’ll come at 7pm after I BF my 10-month old before his bedtime, after which I’ll leave him with my parents and join the celebration.

However, yesterday she rang me and told me that she completely forgot about it, but before knowing I was going to be here for her celebration, she invited my ex boyfriend. She asked me if I had any issues with this, and I told her I have none whatsoever - the whole thing seems like a lifetime ago to me and I have long since moved on with my life. She told me that she’ll ask my ex as well as she doesn’t want anyone feeling uncomfortable.

She then called me back and said that he apparently has an issue with me being there and asked me to come earlier and leave before he arrives. However this is not an option for me as the birthday location is out of town, and this coincides with my baby’s dinner/bath/BF/bedtime routine. She’s not close to my ex at all whilst me and her are very very close so I expected her to say “okay then, just come as we discussed originally and your ex can grow up and sort himself out” or something of the sort.

However, she then told me “that’s okay, we can meet on Monday instead”. I then told her that I really want to be there and that it’s really shitty that we have to allow his behaviour and let it get in the way of us celebrating together. She essentially told me that she feels really bad that she invited him and had she known that he’ll be like that, she wouldn’t have and that some people don’t grow up. I made it a point that I really want to be there and his behaviour is infuriating but she ended the conversation by saying “don’t be angry, I really wanted you to be here as well but what can you do”.

A bit of backstory - me and my ex dated in high school for 2.5years (this was 10 years ago). The breakup was very messy and he took it very badly. Fast forward to 10yrs later, I have long forgotten about this, have dated many men since, gotten married, had children etc. He however apparently has only just started dating somebody, his first gf since our break up.

My friend isn’t at all close with my ex - her fiancé used to be in the same friend circle with my ex in high school, but haven’t kept in touch since. Recently they went out once with him and his new GF and my friend decided to invite them to her birthday on the spur of the moment. However, my friend is one of my closest ones, she was my bridesmaid, we are in a very close friend circle, we’ve been through a lot together, etc.

I can’t stop thinking about this since it happened yesterday - I feel betrayed, I feel like she chose my ex instead of me, I can’t believe that she essentially uninvited me from her 30th because of someone whom she only saw once recently. I felt very hurt yesterday and came to the conclusion that her friendship with me is not a priority to her anymore and that I should accept it and move on. My other friends think that I should give her a chance and speak to her about it, however I don’t want to ruin her 30th and I also don’t know if there’s anything that she can say that will fix this for me. At the same time I am wondering if I am just overreacting. AIBU?

Are you sure she's not close with your ex? Sounds to me as though they might have started something, or at least that she might like to.

I would tell her now rather than wait. If the friendship is going to continue, you should give it a chance. After will be too late. If she still refuses to budge, you know where you stand.

Dear Friend,
Ex tried to control my life and friendships 10 years ago both during and after I finished the relationship. He then spread malicious lies and encouraged others to bully me. By uninviting me to your 30th birthday party, it feels as though he is still trying to control my life and my friendships now. You were my bm and are one of my oldest friends and I care deeply about our friendship. I am confused and hurt that someone from my past, whom I have forgiven for the poor treatment, is being prioritised over me.

If the OP ends her friendship with her friend over this, the controlling ex will have got exactly what he wants.

It’s fair and polite that his response is prioritised

Really?? His response was to stamp his feet and say he wasn’t going because he doesn’t want to be in the same room as her. They broke up ten years ago. Ten. Years. Ago. He is getting his own form of petty revenge after 10 fucking years. But yep, it’s fair and polite that two friends compromise their friendship and miss the opportunity for a rare catch up to pander to this twats controlling behaviour. Give your head a wobble please.

That’s crazy! It would make me reconsider the friendship and whilst I would still see her if convenient, I wouldn’t go out of my way to do so.

If she doesn’t know, you’ve got to tell her. Tell her before the party. So she doesn’t realise afterwards and gets upset with herself for being manipulated and missing out on having her best friend attend her party. At least let her know all the details so she can make a decision based on real facts.

Regardless of what she does or doesn't know if she really wanted you you there I cannot for the life of me understand why she gave your ex the choice!

What a bloody idiot!

Even if you don't see each often very often anymore I would have thought that she would be delighted at the chance to have you there.

Why does she defer to your ex FFS?

@AlenaMacc you shouldn’t gate crash, but you should be able to explain your feelings and ask why he is still able to control other people and state this is exactly why you dumped him and does she really want someone else controlling who comes to her ‘do’? Can he really not keep out of your way? It’s pathetic. A good chance for him to show off his new gf! But you should still say to your friend “if you feel unable to challenge this, of course I won’t come as unlike him I don’t want to dictate to you, or spoil your day, but I think it’s setting a precedent”

I'd call her bluff-call her and say you've had 2nd thoughts and will go with the suggestion of arriving as early as you can and not stay long. Then just turn up as soon as you can, even if its later than they said (because you'll have an invite, whereas at the moment you don't) and see how things pan out and whats really going on. She will be too busy celebrating her birthday to be mega focusing on you and your arrival time. Think you may then get to the bottom of this oddness.

I wouldn't tell her about what he was like then. It was ten years ago and has nothing to do with who you or he is now. It will sound like you are obsessing about it if you start discussing it with her now.

I have lived abroad for decades. When I first moved away and when back home, I ran myself into the ground trying to keep up with everyone. It took away the fun of being back home. I spent hours waiting for people, trying to fit into their schedules, being as flexible as I possibly could. Until one day I waited for an hour in a café for someone who never showed up and sent me an email saying sorry but she had fallen asleep at the time we should meet. After that, I changed my strategy. It is one of the consequences of living in a different country that you can't keep up with everyone as if you lived at home. So some old friends will fall aside. Sad but that is how it goes. The ones to keep are the ones who are willing to make the effort. Who are quick to answer and schedule times to meet. Some of these friends are not maybe the closest ones you had as a child, but that doesn't matter. Your friendships will grow now, as adults. Less people and more quality time with people who want to spent time with you for who you are now, not just because of shared history, also makes trips home more enjoyable and less stressful.

My advice is, if this is a good and equal (ie reciprocal) friendship, then I wouldn't let some idiot spoil it. You'd be surprised how few good friends come along in a lifetime.

If the friendship is one sided or already on its way out, we'll then you might think differently.

I really don't see why people are saying she'd have to disinvite him. She doesn't have to disinvite anyone. She just has to not pander to someone who is trying to manipulate her. I'm not surprised he was controlling in the relationship. He doesn't seem to have grown out of it.

I know someone like this. She insists that her ex isn't invited to parties when she was the one who ended it, he was neither controlling nor bullying, she just didn't respect him in the end. But she's the one that has a partner and he doesn't. It's about being the most important friend.

No way would I be disinviting a friend in these circumstances. Only if the ex had been violent or behaved despicably would I consider it, but in that case I wouldn't be friends with them anyway.

The thing is though, if she says nothing and just feels upset about it, it will mar her feelings towards her friend, and if she goes nuts and they have a big falling out, or if she just cuts contact, she'll lose the friendship.

Either way, the idiot will have spoiled it.

If they really are close friends, the OP should be able to tell her friend how she feels without it ruining their friendship. The OP's friend needs to understand how hurtful this is.

I would let this go tbh. 1) Since splitting up with your ex you've had a full, successful life. He on the other hand found you breaking up with him very difficult and has not done well. He would probably find being at the party with you tough. Worst case scenario there might be a scene, or at least an uncomfortable atmosphere, which would be unfair on your friend; 2) He was invited first.

I'd be tempted to tell her now too. If she is your close friend, wouldn't she be devastated to know that she'd been an accessory to his last hurrah of exerting control over you? I know I would be.

This advice in spades. You happened to be in the country, he clearly has some other kind of relationship with her/his girlfriend does blah blah.

Stop making her birthday about you.

Stop making her birthday about you.

She's not.

Her ex is making it about him.

'Dbf, I don't think I made it clear at the time, how controlling exbf was. It seems he has t changed much as he's happy to tell you whether I can come to your party. I have to bf x so wouldn't be able to come until xoclock. It's your party, I'd have loved to be there for you, but it's up to you. As I said I'm more than happy to be in the same room and definitely not looking to make things awkward. If not, I hope to see you before I go back'

I wouldn't be putting much effort into meeting her if she lets you down tbh.

She doesn't value your friendship as much as you do.

I'd take a step back.

A BIG step back.

id be well pissed off about this. Id say to my friend, "you do realise how shitty he was to me dont you, if theres some backstory and reason as to why you are disinviting me in favour of my dickhead ex, then can you just tell me now so i dont make even more of a fool of myself"

Its a close friend, so id be more hurt over this than if it was an aquaintance. I might not cut someone off over it, but it would definitely affect how i felt about them

I don’t think he is, he was invited first, asked if he minded and said he did. The BM gave him priority.

OP is being advised to not speak to her friend again because she’s not being prioritized. But it’s not her birthday and I think the couples are closer than she knows about for one reason or another.

I suspect she’s at risk of losing her long term friend and this isn’t the week to sort it out as she will look like she’s behaving badly as it’s her friend’s birthday party and there’s clearly something she doesn’t know about.

It seems a shame to chuck away a relationship just because you don’t understand a dynamic that has changed or because someone has been too scared to tell you something.

Why bother? She has chosen him over you. If she wanted to know, she would have asked.

if she was worried about what he would think, then she shouldnt have invited OP in the first place, not invite and then rescind.

I agree.

The friend is the one with the power here. It is her birthday and her party. She can invite whoever she wants and if anyone has a problem with that then they can choose not to go. But that's not what the friend is doing. She is basically saying "I'd rather have ex here and you not here, than you here and ex not".

She has made it clear she values having the ex in her life more than her long time friend.