To think it’s not fair you can’t have it all

[Julemba]

It’s so shit, if you stay at home with your kids or work part time, society see’s you as nothing as so does your employer. If you have a great job and work full time you are a shit mum. So not fair

I have never heard full time working women called shit mums.

@sst1234

It's never quite as blatant as them being called "shit mums".

There's a few dog whistle phrases.

"I didn't have kids to put them in childcare 24/7" is my favourite one. Also "you'll never get the time back, they're only little once". (Who knew?).

All of which are basically semi acceptable ways of saying you're a shit mum.

Who are these people calling you names and why do you care ?
I work full time in a great job I'm a single parent , ds dad does sweet FA
My friends and family tell me I'm doing a great job

By whom have you been berated with for your decisions?

Time is a resource, like money. It's finite. (Well time might not be finite but in terms of human life it is.) By definition it's impossible for a working parent to devote the same amount of time to their children as a SAHP can. The resource can only be spent once. As with money, if I spend £500 on a television then I can't spend the same £500 on a holiday.

@Dotjones

So?

I've been both and totally don't agree with you. Sorry.

Being a shit mum would mean you are taking on society's view. Just reject it.

Agreed.

I put my career on hold in favour of my kids and my salary/progression slowed down. My wife wanted to be a SAHM and loved every minute of it. She's now going back FT and doing her AAT at the age of 50.

We made our choices and adapted accordingly. My wife couldn't care less about the stuff in this thread. We've done what we wanted and that's all that matters.

If you only work a few hours per day then it’s not full-time.

Great mum but perhaps not such a great employees.

I wouldn't be so proud to be scamming an employer by working a few hours a day but getting paid full time.

But she's a MOTHER! That makes her very very special and all the things that apply to the rest of us don't apply to her.

Yeah she's certainly "special".

OP there's no winning in some people's eyes. Just do what works for you and your family. Sometimes there's just no pleasing everyone.

These are opinions. Nothing more. I certainly don't share them.

You can have a mix of family, fulfilling work and fulfilling social and personal life. You just have to have a balance and scale up and down according to circumstances and priorities.

You just can't have 100% of everything 100% of the time. You can't be 'the best' at very consuming things all at once. It wouldn't be expected in the real world, I don't know why it's expected in parenting.

If you wanted to train for a personal best at a marathon, you could (possibly) do it, but you're unlikely to be able to be a party animal simultaneously.

If you wanted to go travelling across the world, you might be able to do it, but not complete a university degree during the same period.

There’s a thread going at the moment where posters are tying themselves in knots to argue that it’s feminist for mums to do this. It’s how the mums I work with behave too and it drives me mad. I’d be much better at all sorts of things if I were working PT on FT pay but sadly I don’t have a child so I must do the hours I’m paid for.

Crazy isn't it.

One of my SIL's is as smug as Cheeseonbeans and brags about doing less than the bare minimum when WFH. All while looking after kids. She's also a feminist on a big salary but I honestly don't see how scamming your employer is remotely feminist. Sounds pretty crappy to me. Feminism doesn't even come into it, although I'd love to hear the rationale.

Perhaps 'sticking it to the man' is the goal here?

I'm off to search for the thread to educate myself 😂

I do understand how you feel - I’ve always worked and am glad I have but the stress of keeping all those plates spinning is huge. Fathers don’t seem to have the same pressure in the main do they?

I disagree, I work FT and have never considered myself a shit mum. Time you stopped listening to low grade people who judge others and just got on with your life, the way you want to live it.

if your employer thinks you don’t add value to their workplace, purely because you have birth then it’s time to find a new job, there’s plenty of workplaces who will support you.

@Julemba Is there any reason you cannot apply for flexible or less working hours?

I work part time (3 days, used to do 4 but had to drop due to kids being sick all the time) but I find it great. I've never felt unappreciated by my employer or society. I also have flexibility to cover holidays and last minute illness during school hours.Have a look into it and see if you can make it work.

You turned nasty abd defensive very quickly!

FWIW I would never judge anyone as a ‘shit mum’ for working full time. I’d say they are a fantastic mum for putting food on the table, a roof over her kid’s head, and setting a great example that you have to work hard for what you want in life and organise your time.

I wonder why anyone believes they can have it all? Not just in relation to kids and work, but life is not perfect and always requires some kind of compromise.
I'd love to have lots of stuff, do lots of things, but cannot because of resource or family restrictions.
I'm sure cave women would have liked to go hunting wooley mammoths but had to stay home cleaning the cave and changing nappies.
Life will never be entirely what we want. Accepting it makes it so much easier! 🙂