To think it’s not fair you can’t have it all

[Julemba]

It’s so shit, if you stay at home with your kids or work part time, society see’s you as nothing as so does your employer. If you have a great job and work full time you are a shit mum. So not fair

Why does WFT make me a
’shit mum’? Because I work hard and provide a lovely lifestyle for my DC? Or perhaps because I have a great career and therefore am an excellent role model for my DC? Or perhaps because working makes me happy? My mother was a SAHM and I never saw her being happy 🤷🏻‍♀️ She had a dreadful work ethic. Hardly inspirational.

This has got nothing to do with your original statement though does it? Your original statement was bollocks on both fronts.

What is your job?

I think that you should try to really pin point what it is that you want, whether it is going part time or staying home. And then do what you want without projecting what it is that society wants you to do. Because society mostly doesn't care anyway.

Hopefully you can afford to make any of these changes. Not everyone can. And that's what society should be focused on, supporting women to make decisions that are best for their kids.

I have an incredible career and three kids. Here's how we did it:
Ages 0-5 we had a nanny three days a week, who did ironing and a bit of cleaning . I did 3.5 days at work. Toddlers went to daycare sometimes.
Ages 5-10 I still did 3.5 days at work, husband did part time too. We employed a home helper once a week for 4 hours to help with domestic tasks, whatever needed doing. I did a bit of travel with work. DH covered me for those days. Sometimes we had babysitters or used after school care.
Ages 10+ I went back full time, dh worked from home school hours. We kept the home help.

It's really a short time when your kids are small. Every stage is different. It's do-able and ENJOYABLE with help and a partner who does their share.

Society doesn't care. What do YOU want? Your kids will love you regardless.

I don’t see that. I’ve never felt that anyone was viewing me as a “shit” mother for working full-time.

These people who are looking down in you for your choices, you should perhaps spend less time with them.

Being a stay-at-home mother is a valid decision. It may need some serious thinking about how the rest of your life works, in terms of where you live, and what your husband does but there are ways to make it work.

It's not about fair, and in your case I don't think it's about what other people think of you, but your desire to spend these years more focused on your kids. That's fine, it's a valid choice, but so are other choices. What it simply is not possible to do is be in two places at once and it's not realistic to ask employers to give the same remuneration and responsibility to people who won't be there half the week or whatever. I work ft and am a single mum. I'm sure I could do both roles "better"if I only did one but that's not an option. I do them well enough and if it's a crisis, kids win every time. You have to be realistic.

Being a sahm is a valid decision but it means you will spend your days cleaning, tidying, and in service to others. Some of whom want to play with messy things like paint and sand and who won't clean it up again. Will that make you happy and fulfilled? Can you take a sabbatical from work and try it for three months?

Know exactly what you mean. It gets easier as they get older

No-one can have everything. We only have a certain amount of energy and mental bandwidth to spread around. All we can do is our best, and what is "best" will vary from person to person.

Caring too much about what others think of us (in terms of how much/little we work/earn) is a recipe for dissatisfaction for anyone.

I’d say YABU as it sounds like your version of ‘having it all’ is basically working part time so you have a bit of extra time with your children. Plenty of women do this. So it’s not impossible at all.
I don’t know about ‘unfairness’. Some women obviously choose not too go part time. It makes little if any difference to your children so, no, I don’t think it’s unfair although I can see how it is frustrating if you can’t afford to do it if you want to.
Sounds like you’re more preoccupied with what people think than anything else. Who is ‘society’? Plenty of mums work full time, most people don’t think negatively about that or give a shit quite frankly. A few arseholes might. Why are you bothered by what a minority of arseholes think?

Why are you so fixated on what others think? Do what works for you and your family!

I think some people are choosing to read this as an attack on working (in a paid job) mums which is very clearly not what Julemba said (she's obviously working full time herself and struggling with her work -life balance).

Julemba some mothers sail through the small children phase but I'd say more struggle than don't - whether with juggling paid work with children and feeling they're failing to give either enough attention, or with feeling they've made a mistake and lost the career they worked for or lost their sense of self and become defined by the children, or 101 combinations.

It's hard to get right (for yourself and your own contentment) but interesting that society expects so much less of fathers... Nobody ever blamed a man for being a"working dad" unless he literally never sees his kids - get home to do bath and bed and he's an all conquering hero and if he does half the nursery pick ups he's definitely up for father of the year 🤔

Maybe just compare yourself to what society asks of dads - you'll be incredibly impressed with yourself!💐

The juggling is much easier when they're older no matter what the doom and gloom merchants might want to tell you just to prove that they know more than you (I have 3 teens - its easier).

Wow.

OK the thread title has nothing to d with what this is.

You seem to have a great deal invested in other people. Both your DC and other people.

Your DC are fine in childcare so work if you want. If that doesn't suit, think about changing to PT or being a SAHM if you have the resources. At no point does it matter what ransoms think.

I work, love it, and love being a mum. I couldn't give a shiney that my FIL thinks I should have stayed at home.

Nah... you just need to have enough, and be enough.

be a good enough mother, partner, friend , employee and don’t feel guilty

No one in history has ‘had it all’. Ever.

It’s the biggest lie we’ve been sold.

But wringing your hands about what people think instead of making a choice isn’t going to help you.

Yes, I am really not attacking FT working mums, quite the opposite. Im doing it and I’m really struggling. I don’t give a shit about work anymore and it’s just not like me. Everything I thought I had worked for now means nothing, im just so very surprised at the emotional pull from the kids, I honestly didn’t think I was maternal at all and would be back at work after 4 months!

Not saying mums that do go back to work aren’t maternal! I’m just surprised at myself that’s all.

I do care way too much about what people think, wish I could learn to not give a shit I would be so much happier

@Beelezebub

I have it all.

I do compressed hours, so full time in four long days, with Wednesdays off with my little one. It's a brilliant balance.

You need to examine why you care so much about what other people think.

I've never ( to my knowledge ) been described as a shit mum or a shit employee ... I just get on with my life - I was a SAHM for 12 years (only DC who was at school ) ... who cares what anyone else thinks?