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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s not fair you can’t have it all

151 replies

Julemba · 31/08/2022 21:12

It’s so shit, if you stay at home with your kids or work part time, society see’s you as nothing as so does your employer. If you have a great job and work full time you are a shit mum. So not fair

OP posts:
RayneDance · 31/08/2022 21:31

How young..
Does it have to be that drastic?. quitting?. can't you compromise?.
How much do you need to earn?.

Dipsy12 · 31/08/2022 21:35

RJnomore1 · 31/08/2022 21:18

I have a great job, work full time and have never been a shit mum.

Ditto!

Talipesmum · 31/08/2022 21:40

I worked full time for years and wasn’t a shit mum. I was quite tired and busy though. Then I went 80% and continued to be a great mum and was fine at work too. I’m lucky in my job, but I am the breadwinner and have to work plenty. And I made the decision early on to not apologise to my work for having to be around for my children when I need to be. If you apologise, people think you have something to apologise for. Same in reverse. You’re making a life for your family. The world isn’t magic and money doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s perfectly normal to work - don’t beat yourself up. So don’t feel bad. You’re at a very tough stage but you’re keeping options open for later by staying there.

NewIdeasToday · 31/08/2022 21:40

That’s nonsense. I’ve worked full time with 6 months maternity leave for each child. My career has flourished and my kids have turned out to be lovely, sociable, motivated adults.

Tintackedsea · 31/08/2022 21:46

I'm not a shit mum and I work full time. It's hard when they're wee but it gets easier with every year. I'd love to work PT but not to give my kids more of me. I want more time for myself.

NoGoodUsernamee · 31/08/2022 21:56

OP I don’t think you’re struggling to make a decision I think you’re struggling with people judging you for it. Well don’t, because you’re gonna get judged anyway.

If you’re a working mum you’re not a present parent and your kids suffer.

If you are a stay at home mum you don’t have your own identity and aren't teaching your children a good work ethic so your kids suffer.

You literally cannot do right by society so just do what makes you happy!

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 21:58

Julemba · 31/08/2022 21:12

It’s so shit, if you stay at home with your kids or work part time, society see’s you as nothing as so does your employer. If you have a great job and work full time you are a shit mum. So not fair

I have a pretty good full time job. I have 3 DC & I'm not a shit mum & no-one has suggested I am.

I'm a single parent busy & often stressed but I do my best at my job and as a mother. It's all any of us can do.

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 31/08/2022 22:00

Who gives an actual shit what 'society' thinks? (And by the way that's just your perception)

Do what's right for you and your family, absolutely nothing else should be factored into your decisions.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 22:00

OP just decide wtaf you want, and what your family needs.

Working part-time is dependent on your area of work, your finances & your family make-up. That's all personal to you & only you can decide.

I have never seen any mother being judged for her choices, in my own life.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/08/2022 22:01

To be honest yes it’s hard but at least it sounds like you can make a choice. The women that can’t afford to work or can’t afford not to work have it worse.

LondonQueen · 31/08/2022 22:01

Both me and DH work full time, the kids are happy and so are we, that's what matters, not what others think about you.

HangOnToYourself · 31/08/2022 22:02

I work.full time, am a single parent and consider myself to be a good mum

NeedAHoliday2021 · 31/08/2022 22:05

I feel I have both but my husband fully sees us as equals and shares the load. Generally working full time falls down when the husband still expects dw to run the admin, organise clothes, food and housework. I get told I’m lucky but I think expecting to be seen as an equal is a fairly minimal expectation of someone you love.

JorisBonson · 31/08/2022 22:05

I'm society, I have never thought twice about working mothers or sahm's. As long as you and your family are happy who gives a shit.

BobLemon · 31/08/2022 22:05

I don’t know anyone who is a shit mum because they work full time.

Sounds like you’re more at risk of being a shit employee.

If you want to spend more time with your DCs, then quit and spend more time with your DCs. No histrionics needed.

notanothertakeaway · 31/08/2022 22:06

My DH and I both work full time, but sensible hours. I think that's better than one parent with a "big job" and the other a SAHM

JaninaDuszejko · 31/08/2022 22:09

It's OK to work PT while they are little. It's OK to redirect your ambition for a few years, you will come back older, wiser and invigorated once they start school. And you build up company knowledge and experience when working PT.

Topgub · 31/08/2022 22:11

I have a great career and I'm not a shit mum

🤷‍♀️

Meraas · 31/08/2022 22:12

Julemba · 31/08/2022 21:18

The kids take up every single thought that I have, I have completely lost interest in my job, it is not my priority anymore but I also need to make money. I don’t know what to do.

Eh? This has nothing to do with having it all, this is you not wanting to work so you can be with your kids. Your thread title makes zero sense.

DubLynn · 31/08/2022 22:13

I was a SAHM for 6 years and never had a single comment/experience/encounter/conversation that made me think society thought i was worthless. I was busy. Now i work part time and everyone seems to think I'm lucky (as do i) because i have a job i love but clock off at 1.30pm.

Hbh17 · 31/08/2022 22:13

But there is a strong case to say that mothers (& fathers) who work full-time make the best parents as they are positive role models of a good work ethic. Not to mention that they are financially providing for their children and not relying on others. Plus the children get the chance to go to nursery, mix with other kids and develop/learn. Win-win.
My mother didn't work when I was a child & I found it a bit embarrassing. I used to wish she'd get a job as it might have made her a more interesting person.

mynameiscalypso · 31/08/2022 22:15

I've worked part time since I had DS. Nobody thinks any less of me. 4 days a week is a good balance for me. Obviously there are compromises but my boss jokes that if you want something done, you should give it to the part-time working parent because they will probably get it done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/08/2022 22:29

I’ve always worked full time. It is very difficult and was particularly hard when my eldest was in nursery- I felt terrible leaving her especially as she’d had health problems as a tiny baby.

However, both of my children are happy and healthy - definitely no ill effects from nursery

Mossstitch · 31/08/2022 23:16

My mother was a SAHM, she didn't work for decades......... she was a shit mum!

Wildehorses · 31/08/2022 23:35

I have a career I love, have worked full time since each of my two children was five months old. They are now teenagers. They understand that while I love being their mum, bills have to be paid and my brain needs the challenge and stimulation of work ... but yes, it was/is exhausting "having it all"

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