To think it’s not fair you can’t have it all

[Julemba]

It’s so shit, if you stay at home with your kids or work part time, society see’s you as nothing as so does your employer. If you have a great job and work full time you are a shit mum. So not fair

You are writing replies which are unconnected to the posts to which you are replying. Have you a partner that could help you to understand how the forum works?

@HappyChloé2 enlighten me?

I think it's intensely irritating that the phrase 'have it all' is used exclusively in the context of women and never, ever men.

It's not as if the expectation of having a career, a family, and sufficient input from your partner to make this work isn't a modest one. Nor is it an expectation of something men haven't always taken for granted. And for doing so, they never face a barrage of criticism, or need to worry themselves in the slightest about how other men order their paid labour and domestic affairs.

To coin a well-worn Mumsnet phrase, it boils my piss.

You read my earlier posts!! .
That's what I suggest.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

I completely agree

erroneous of your previous posts I didn’t like your recent one. You was staring that it’s better for children to be with the mother as they love them most. That to me is making working mothers feel guilt and it is very cruel.

Stating*

You are posting about issues that seem particular to you but you’re trying to make it a more general issue.

What’s the actual story here? If you and your DH can afford for you to be a SAHM without needing to claim benefits then why do you care what anyone else thinks?

Don’t agree with you op. I worked full time. No one thought I was a shit mum and my young adult daughter would laugh in your face at the thought, before ripping you a new one and setting you straight.

if you don’t want to work and have a shit husband then that’s your unfortunate circumstances. I’m sorry you’re in that situation but don’t tar us all with your brush.

I work full time and am certainly not a shit mother

Oh and I also have no idea about the nonsense raynedance is posting; it’s like the 1950s but worse. 😂

Part time for me was great whilst mine were small! I'm a teacher and so I taught morning nursery... I did have a lot of work once the kids were in bed!

This last year I went back full time and in terms of my career it has been brilliant! My boys are turning 5 and 7 in January so are fully in school now and are at a much more amenable age!

I feel sad I never do drop off or pick ups but that's sadly life as a teacher-the trade off is I have all the holidays!

I work full time and have an amazing job and salary. My kids are also happy, confident, have lots of hobbies and a wide social circle and are doing brilliantly at school. I'm also doing it on my own. Society can think what they want about my choices but as a higher-rate tax payer supporting myself and my wonderful children I couldn't actually give a rats ass about anyone's opinion I'm not saying it's easy all the time but you shouldn't worry too much about choosing the path what's right for you and your family.

I felt like you do OP.. I couldn't do it any longer but I did work very long hours and have my pt working request denied. Maybe see if you can work pt. I gave up work almost over night and was so much happier. I did feel slightly ashamed for giving up my career but it wasn't until I became a sahm I realised what I was w out on.

Not for everyone I know but I really really wanted to be with my dc and when I finally got that time I was so much happier and relieved. Eventually I ran out of funds to be a sahm and now work in a much much lower down job pt but honestly I am so much healthier and happier and when people ask me what I do I don't really care anymore. I love every moment and am grateful to have this time. Not everyone's like that and some mums would rather be at work and I totally get that too, it's about what works for you. Nooones a shit mum for working ft/pt/sahm imo though.

I work part time and my employer values me very much actually.

Although if I worked full time I would be a shit mum

That might be why your employer sees you as nothing.

Missing out on...

I was proud. I am now the main bread winner, but my husband is a high earner in his own right, I have given my daughter a work ethic, she is already a high earner,due to her profession.

the issue here is the op is trying to make her specific issues a general issue and it’s not. Society doesn’t see us as shit mums as we work. No more than they see men as shit dads as they do. We have come a long way from the 50s.

Oh just read some of your more recent posts OP. I became a sahm when my dc was 2. They never went to nursery they had a nanny before I stayed home.They have done very well in school.

@Fairylightsongs my mum was a sahm I went back to work when dc was 6mo because I thought that was better than losing my career and I stayed until they turned 2. I had a great work ethic. I still do. But I want to be at home so I made that happen. I hope to instil a good work ethic in my dc.

You can be a sahm and show a good work ethic. I don't think it's true you have to be working ft to show that. My two sisters still work ft in big careers with dc as well so my mum never working didn't have any adverse effects. My mum instilled a good work ethic and I'm sure I'll do the same anyway.

Nobody, man or woman, has ever had it all. Everyone must sacrifice either time at work or time with their family. Or sacrifice money and sanity if not working.

Does your husband have it all OP? Does he whine about not having it all?

OP and RayneDanxe seem to be different sides of the same coin. You both want to be at home with your kids so not sure why you’re having a bitter duel.

Of course you can have it all

I have a great job, full time but flexible so I only actually work a few hours a day, very well paid and still am a great mum to my kids

You haven't got it all, maybe work on that instead of thinking no one can do it.

@Funkyblues101

There is such a thing as work life balance

There's no sacrifice required to have balance of both.

Of course, but the point is men aren't constantly berated or made to feel bad for making these sacrifices.

In the men's case the vast majority of the time what's sacrificed is time with the children (although I'd argue that's less of a sacrifice for a lot of them as many of them seem to want to avoid childcare anyway).

No one says to a man, leaving work early to go to attend Sports Day, "Ah you can't have it all...". They pat him on the back for being a Great Supportive Dad, even though this may be the first interest he has shown in his kids lives in months.

But when a woman works FT and has to balance all of this on a daily basis, even though many of us have no choice, other women tut and roll their eyes and come on Mumsnet and post snidey things like "poor kids, in FT daycare" and "why have kids, just to farm them out to a childminder?"

Double standards, see? Let's call a spade a spade.

It's just not true that you "can't have it all". Millions of women do have it all and make it work. Yeah we may be tired but it works. You may not approve of us "having it all and convince yourself that we are desperately unhappy deep down and would much prefer to be at home all day. But that doesn't mean we don't have it.