To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

[Smarshian]

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.
They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come.
we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time
with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

Yes. And of course as a result, the children will feel tied to where the parents are, unable to move elsewhere in pursuit of their own happiness.

Because I don't think women should martyr themselves for others? Ok then.

I completely agree.
Good for them for living their lives! Of course you can visit, it’s hardly the other side of the world 🙄
I wonder what they would have said if it had been you moving?

yet she is outraged that they are moving
That's selfish

She's not outraged. She wants them to be happy, but she's sad that out turns out that her mum and SD don't want to be a regular part of her and their grandchildren lives.

Despite waving my mum off to her seven hours away, respecting her choice and being happy for her, I felt the same. That I and her GCs weren't as important to her as I thought. It was a bit of a shock.

So she should look after her parents in 10 years or that's selfish but her parents doing nothing to help now is not selfish?
Face time etc is a poor substitute for contact as lockdown taught us. Better than nothing yes but OP not saying anything about it doesn't mean she's vetoed it.

It's very sad, but nothing you can do except visit her and they visit you for longer than a few days at a time. I'm assuming they are near the beach so you having a long holiday in the summer would be do able?

All of this.

But your point was not required because i was referring to the statemeny I correctly quoted - OP was being petty in saying she would be less inclined to help because they had moved to have some quality of lifexand it didn't suit her.

We are going round in circles a bit now, but surely that is a natural reaction to helping anyone? Someone who has been around for me and supported me in whatever way they can is someone I would move heaven and earth to help when they needed help. Someone who chooses to do things other than help out, then I would help out if it were convenient for me. Now, I'm the first person to offer help to people (have been mocked for it many times on MN when I says I am happy to give lifts or help other parents out - people always call me a mug / soft touch / say I'm being taken advantage of when I just think everyone should 'be nice' and treat other people like they would like to be treated - but I now prioritise looking out for older folk who have "been there for me" over those who haven't. Yes, that means my (now adult) dc have a far closer bond with two or three 'adopted grandparents' than they do some older folk who are actually related to us. It is going to be far easier for any of us, logistically to help out a neighbour from our street than it is a relative who lives a 14 hour round trip away.

I have to admit, I feel you may be being unreasonable.

Your Mum needs to live her own life, and she knows full well that this will change things between her and you+grandkids. Things will not be the same

But this is what she has chosen

I am not serving my children and grandchildren I am setting up my life so that I can be as independent as possible for as long as possible . I was out for lunch yesterday for a 60th birthday, we have all had busy careers and have parents who have been super independent and had careers themselves.

Every single one of us is now dealing with supporting parents , two of us have a parent with dementia , two others are in the midst of helping parents to downsize, sadly several have parents who are now alone and have lost confidence and /or grieving and are needing a lot of emotional support. One has a parent with a debilitating and distressing terminal illness.

we reflected at length on the fact that services, especially in areas that people traditionally ‘retire to’ are stretched to nonexistent. Domiciliary care ; dream on, home helps are just not around , hospital transport non existent, public transport in rural areas has been cut massively over the past two years. Even getting GP appointments for many other clinics such as diabetes and memory is a battle .

I also work in social care and a report today says that 96% of care homes are at risk of closing in the next 12 months. There is a massive crisis coming over the hill and families will inevitably end up bearing more of the burden, they won’t have a choice.

frankly some of the people on this thread are living in cloud cuckoo land . Social care will not be there god people now in their 70s unless there is a massive change in government and society’s attitudes to care .

My parents moved to the other side of the world. My kids see them 1 time a year. I think you are right to be sad. And I get it! But it could be worse.

8 hours you can drive that in 2 days. Spend 2 weeks there for holidays etc. It will be different but it could be an adventure for the kids as well. Or something like that. I dunnow. Im trying to find the silver lining

Every single one of us is now dealing with supporting parents

Yep. For the best part of a decade, any socialising with my peers has revolved around the stress of caring for/supporting elderly parents. To the point that all pleasure in meeting up with friends started to wane for me, as I wanted to escape the stress, not listen to others dumping their similar stress. (Not that I blamed them, it was their way of coping, just as mine was trying to put it out of my mind). It's only starting to get more like socialising as the parents die off, to be honest.

It's no good either generation putting their heads in the sand.

Well said @cyclamenqueen

I don't think either of you are wrong, it's just important for them to be aware how much you will visit.

Ask them how often they see you and the children making a 14 hour round trip to see them. And how often they will do the same to come back. Have a frank discussion.

For every one person (I am one) dealing with their aging parents, there are 2 or 3 others who aren't. Not all children opt in for elder care, some don't live close enough, others don't want to do it, others have their hands full and can't do it. Whatever the answer is, it's not just expecting / hoping your kids will pick up the pieces.

No but it is about organising your life so that your dc don’t have to do it because you haven’t thought to put sensible alternative arrangements in place. There will soon be no choice .

If I had a pound for every older person who said to me that they don’t want to bother their children but have made no alternative plans whatsoever and have chosen to live somewhere with limited public transport and 45 mins and 3 buses from the nearest hospital because they ‘always wanted to live near the sea’ . What happens ; the dc end up having to come to the rescue often reluctantly but there is no alternative other than the parents sink further and further into chaos or die in squalor ( sorry to be blunt)

There literally no care home places in our small picturesque ‘retirement town’ . The houses have all been bought up by retirees so no carers can afford to live here either.

all I saying is that people need to think about these things and not assume that they will be able to manage.

It does become a case of "your lack of planning is not my emergency..."

I had Fil going on about "living his life", ignoring mil's cognitive decline & the decisions made have impacted her severely. Then came covid, we couldn't travel & it's a complete shit show

But they can roll the dice & it'll all work out swimmingly. Problem here is not knowing...

Agree @cyclamenqueen. Whether your DC are down the road or in Australia, as you age, you have a responsibility for making sensible arrangements for old age. IME as a HCP, people with no available children (bc no kids or not able to help for whatever reason) typically face up to this better, because they don't have the DC as a safety-net.

From the OP's POV, she may end up much better off with distant parents, who have to make their own arrangements, than having them an hour away as now and expecting her to look after them.

OP, I haven’t read every comment on this thread but I HAVE read every post of yours. I have to say, you sound incredibly selfish and entitled. You won’t be prepared to help them in later life because they won’t be around to help you now and again while your DC are small? You WON’T be visiting them when they move?
Stop being stubborn and selfish.
You need to get a grip and realise your DM has a life of her own. Let her do what makes her happy ffs

It's not unreasonable to be upset that your mum will be so far away after having her close for so long, that's a natural reaction. But let them go honey, it's their dream and who knows how much longer any one of us have left to fulfill our dreams. They may live the rest of their lives there, enlisting local help if health or ability falters. Or they may stay a few years and return, but don't begrudge them their happiness, their adventure.
Are you refusing to visit because its a reaction to the hurt you're feeling at being almost 'abandoned'? Could you not turn it into an adventure? Drive halfway, so a night somewhere interesting then drive the rest next day? Spend time - a break, a holiday with them. The time you spend will become that much more precious once you can't almost stop by every couple of weeks.
My son-in-law's father did similar a couple of years ago while he and DD were expecting their first child. It was his dream, he had opportunity and so he took it. S-i-L drives up to see him twice a year and while he and s-i-l's stepmum might not be on- hand any more, they zoom, call and write and still get to see the children grow up 😊

You are so NOT being unreasonable. I get that this is for them, no one would begrudge them that. And we don’t have the right as adult children to expect our parents to be de facto grandparents. HOWEVER. To move that far away from family in your 70s and expect you guys to make space, time and money in your lives to visit for a week at a time to make their dream work. Nope. My in-laws moved to a random part of the country which takes us 35 mins to get to. They are in their 80s, have both had serious health problems and DH is an only child. It is a nightmare. This happened because they didn’t want to be a burden by moving near us. That would have been easier!! They see their one and only grandchild once every two weeks if we can manage. Conversely, my parents moved away from my childhood home in order to be close to me and my siblings, be hands-on with the grandkids and see as much of them as possible. It does rather make you view parents from a differing perspective when priorities are so vastly different.

Sorry- de facto childcare/parents

They only come round once a month anyway So your kids are hardly seeing them regardless so what’s the difference if you go and sees them once a month instead
How are you to take it in turns one month you go up and the other month they come down

seven hours is a long time but it’s doable kids arent babies anymore and you/ they can stay overnight

My Grandparents moved their native country when I was about six or seven we went and visited every summer and I absolutely had a great relationship with my grandparents I think you’re talking nonsense

I live 5hrs away from my parents (just my mum now) and I feel I’ve spent more quality time with them since moving 20yrs ago. I stay there every half term and enjoy that time. My mum still hates me being so far away though.

I think maybe I need some time to adjust to the idea, but I can’t see myself staying with them regularly whilst I am working.

I do have the benefit of WFH currently so May be able to stay with the kids during half term etc in the future. Kids are currently 4&5 so lots of years where childcare and help (the odd hour to get a haircut etc) would be useful. If they then move back in 10 years and want help themselves I may be frankly less inclined to help.

Are u actually for real???
Maybe they sense the one way in the situation and are going to enjoy themselves!
I appreciate you are genuinely shocked and upset but your sense of entitlement and the inconveniencing you is horrible.
Life is not only about helping people that help you - don’t be so self centred