To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

[Smarshian]

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.
They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come.
we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time
with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

I live a similar distance from my mum and my kids have a great relationship with her.
They come to see us a couple of times a year, I go to them sometimes but often we meet in the middle.

We meet up for UK holidays so the kids get good time with them. Often caravan parks so they book their own..

We've had some lovely February half term meet ups in cheap premier inns and explored new cities as a result.

My kids love seeing a more urban place and they like the Highlands so it's great

The caring in old age would worry me. My parents were incredibly young vital and independent until they both got very ill. Suddenly I was at their beck and call it felt like every hour of the day. They became completely dependent on me. And quickly too.
People become very selfish when they’re ill, they can’t help it, but they do.

Yep. My mum was super fit and active before her stroke. And she'd said to us all through life that we must never feel responsible for her or have her live with us (she'd had a hard time with my Gran who moved in with us when she had dementia, and didn't want us to go through the same).

But after her stroke, when we brought her back from her remote cottage, she demanded that my brother take her in (to his tiny two bed bungalow that could no way accommodate her electric wheelchair, hospital type bed, and hoist. Never mind that he has the tiniest bathroom I've even seen. And a wife who my mum has always hated (for no good reason).

She was absolutely furious when he said it wasn't possible, and we had to go through the motions of having an occupational therapist visit it and make a full report, so that a professional was saying that she couldn't live there, rather than just my brother.

Good luck to them, they have wanted to do it for ten years , I hope they will be very happy in their dream home, of course you will miss them that’s natural, but be happy for them

My parents live over five hours away. The difference is, they have always lived there. I moved away in my early 20s, before I had DC. My DC have a good relationship with their grandparents, though clearly they couldn’t do any regular childcare. Most people I know don’t have parents particularly nearby. If my parents need care -they are in their 80s - I’m not sure what we would do. In fact, I have much worse health than them and it’s more likely that I’d need care before them.

YANBU. Are they going somewhere nice to visit though? Perhaps you could go and stay and have quality time with them and nice holidays instead of the daily mundane stuff.

My DP used to live on the Isle of Wight. That was handy of them! Lots of nice family holidays when DDs were small and they were so happy to have us there.

OP had already addressed all your questions.

If your DM & SD have been discussing for 10 years
2 of those years were during lock down
Many people have looked at the world & their lives differently after covid
Perhaps they thought, now or never !
They may move back in the future

Would you want someone telling you, that you could not follow your dreams ?

"I am just fully aware that we won’t visit like she thinks we will. It just won’t happen. We have limited holiday which must be taken in school holidays, due to childcare issues."

YANBU on this score at all. i always wonder about this watching Location, Location... when older couples 'need' four-beds in the middle of nowhere with bucolic fantasies of their grandkids all coming to stay, and I think... will they? For more than a few days here and there over the years? I think your mum may be kidding herself, but there'll be no telling her now. They've obviously done this in secret so that nothing like that kind of reality check will hold them back. Leave them to it. You sound very realistic about the prospect and they'll have to adjust.

Is there something wrong with where they are moving to as a holiday destination? I've lived hundreds of miles from my parents for 20 years now and it is hard with kids but I still go down for at least a week every year for a holiday.

Sounds like OP wants to spend her two weeks a year of holiday in a destination of her choosing, not in the place her mum has chosen to live, which is fair enough. The comment about it being easier to get to Spain sounds like even if it is some people's idea of a holiday place, it isn't where the OP wants to go.

My dad and step-mum live a 7 hour drive away at a holiday destination.

The problem with the holiday thing is that most people have to cover the school holidays with their annual leave. So it's hard for both parents to take many weeks off at the same time, unless you're going to use a lot of holiday clubs. So a week spent visiting parents/family means it's tricky to also find the annual leave to go on holiday elsewhere. I could go without my partner but that would mean me doing the full 7 hour drive with kids, plus all the childcare once there.

It's been lovely visiting them each year, but it's also part of the reason we've never taken the kids abroad.

We have only ever made it down to them once a year despite our best intentions. They have always come up to us 2-3 times per year. They moved there in their 50s before we had kids and I'm really glad they had the chance to live in their dream place ... but now they're in their 70s and developing health problems it's becoming an issue. They're also getting less able to do the drive to visit us (always in school holiday traffic on busy motorways).

Very tricky OP. I guess all you can do at this stage is be pleased for them but also be realistic with them about how often you'll be able to visit.

Yes. I like to spend holidays exploring somewhere warm and new. There is no way I'd consider yet another trip to the same cold British resort a holiday. It's clearly a visit for most people and not a holiday.

I also have to say, if they do fully relocate I very much doubt they will move back for you to support them. By the time they realise they need the support, the practicalities of moving will likely be beyond them.

This would be my concern too.

Are we related? LOL. My in-laws have just announced that they've upped and bought a house in the north of Scotland! No discussion with any of the "kids". Just announced it out the blue.

All of the kids are late 30s, busy professionals, with young kids. The in-laws have offered to pay our travel to visit, but honestly, that's not the problem. It's the 14 hour round trip that's the issue! They're no longer a weekend visit away, now they're "gotta stay a week to make it worth it". And we simply don't have weeks available to visit the ass-crack of nowhere. Granted, we currently only see them twice a year as it is... but it isn't going to get any better! They've never had any interest in the grandkids beyond the token "I guess we should..." It's fine though, my parents are quite local, very involved, and my DH has always got on really well with them.

Feel really sorry for my DH though, who just sadly said to me, "I guess I'm not going to see them again..."

They are in their 70s now, and are saying this is going to be their forever home... but they'll have absolutely zero family support up there. It's completely bonkers, but we've just had to say on your head be it.

@Smarshian I guess your parents wanted to get on with things in secrecy so that no-one could talk them out of it.. pretty immature imo..
I lived 175 miles away from my mum (we spoke on the phone once a week, I'd go down, she'd come up now & again.)
Then she got dementia & her long time partner (they didn't live together but he'd been around for about 30 yrs since my Dad died, and we could rarely see Mum with him being around all the bloody time...) got nasty with her.
The kids & I moved back, & I looked after her, it was full on. SO tired. Cooking, cleaning, NHS visits.. Lunch clubs etc were closed due to the pandemic, so no help. Eventually she had to go into hospital to be assessed, & then to a care home. Luckily my sis (next county) & I had power of attorney & could make decisions.
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

The reality is that, if your relationship with your parents is so poor you wouldn't sacrifice 7 days in 365 to see them, you are hardly the sort of family to provide mutual support to each other anyway.

It's not seven days in 365, is it? It's seven days in (maybe) 28. That's assuming that both parents can get all four weeks of leave in the school holidays. Which most can't.

From a subsequent post from OP...
?..If they then move back in 10 years and want help themselves I may be frankly less inclined to help...
So , I was correct @saraclara

Many people have parents living many hours away. Mine do, and I my DH has a long-term illness which requires my help and care. But I also manage to help them. But your point was not required because i was referring to the statemeny I correctly quoted - OP was being petty in saying she would be less inclined to help because they had moved to have some quality of lifexand it didn't suit her.

Well if this is your attitude, I dint blame them at all for putting themselves first. I noticed in your first post it was them that did all the visiting too.

I feel for you, my mum always had a dream of moving to Australia which, as kids me and my brother said we didn't want to go, so when I went to uni off she went. She loved another 16 years out there before she died at 65, I only saw her a handful of times over that timeframe which wasn't great so I honestly feel for you. She never met her grand daughter or grand son either 😿

I can see both sides, it’s lovely that your mum has the opportunity to live somewhere that has been a longheld dream. But who’s to say she won’t move again, in a few years time? Or you decide to move your family OP. You will still see your mum, it will take a bit of planning but it’s not insurmountable is it. Be happy for her.

A lot of people on here seems to agree with the OP on this, sadly.

OP, they're living their lives. All of us only get one. They shouldn't have to put theirs on hold to be close enough to provide childcare.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time OP. YANBU to feel hurt and they aren't for moving.

YABU to not have a serious conversation with your DM about you not visiting or only visiting rarely. You should also have a conversation about what this means for their care as they age. They have to consider this and tell you their plans

My in-laws did this when they were 60, with no thought to the future.
They are now mid 70s and in terrible health. They live somewhere with no shop, pub or bus. MIL is currently medically signed off from driving so FIL is driving her around.
Their daughter is trying for a baby. All MIL has ever wanted is to be a granny, but they live 4 hours away from them and will no doubt play a very limited role in any grandchild's life.
I get that people have 'the dream' to relocate, but I think it's often a nuts decision to do so.