To be upset that DM is moving 7 hours away

[Smarshian]

So DM and Step Dad currently live around 1 hour away and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.
They have just announced that they are moving 7 hours away. It’s a dream of theirs and I REALLY don’t begrudge them. The place looks amazing and it really is a wonderful place to be, but I am SO gutted that they won’t be around to see the kids more often and just to see them myself. They are not young, 70s, and have not thought about how they might need help in years to come.
we have 2 young DC (4&5) who are going to miss out on so much time
with their grandparents. AIBU to be absolutely gutted by this announcement

Your selfishness is overwhelming. I do hope your children think slightly more of you and treat you with a little more regard when they are adults

I think if my daughter was worried about how she could care for me as I got older I'd be moving further away

It's not her job

People atill manage to have solid relationships with families even few countries away... It is possible. It's not every second weekend, but doing "will never see them then" over 7 hours is bit dramatic (not just OP)

I was mistaken on the 10 year thing, then.

But yes, a parent moving seven hours away is saying that seeing their children and grandchildren isn't important to them.
Moving back when they need care from those same children is consequently a bit of a cheek don't you think?

Of course people are entitled to follow their dreams. But they also need to consider the consequences. And understand the message that they are giving to the family they leave behind.

and visit often (approx 1-2 times per month) for sometimes an afternoon, or a day, occasional overnights.

Tbh that doesn't sound like much to me at all considering that you are only an hr away.

How often do you visit them?

But yes, a parent moving seven hours away is saying that seeing their children and grandchildren isn't important to them.

Children move all the time even further. It's not reflection on how unimportant family is to them. No one would move out of their area of birth if it was

Really? As you get older, you become more aware of the limited time you have left. That doesn't half focus the mind on achieving your own dreams.

Living a life where you dismiss your own dreams for what you think is someone else's happiness, is no life. To flip your theory on its head, our children would never want us to stay close to them at the expense of us living our own fulfilled lives.

Also, two of our children have travelled extensively, living and working on different continents. Of course we were sad and miss them, but I'd hate it if they lived a smaller life because they were worried about making us less happy.

I think the bit missing is that for some people where they live has a real impact on mental health.
I live in a place many would describe as the arse end of nowhere but waking up to the sea every day lifts me in ways I can't describe. I couldn't go back to the city location I grew up in.

Other people need shops, cafes, culture on the same way. There are endless threads from people unsettled and regretting a move out of London.

I need to be able to walk in calm beautiful places and will sacrifice all of the above for it.

If this has been the dream, the thing that has dragged your mum out of bed over the years of working then I can't blame her for wanting to try it while she can.

If you'd been offered your dream job in the south (assuming you to be pretty north for 7 hours to Cornwall) and a package that would be great for family life would you have turned it down because of the distance to your parents?

So at what age are we women supposed to give up on life and only plan ahead for old age and illness? Or is our purpose in life really just to raise kids then hang around for the grandkids and then die without being a burden?

Sadly in todays society it will be, especially if as I suspect she is talking about Cornwall. I have been in this exact scenario.

it is hopeless to pretend that as people get older they won’t need support because it’s as sure as night follows day, even if it’s just lifts. Plus the cost of fuel or public transport is rising so for families already facing a massive cost of living crisis travelling long distances monthly is likely to just be impossible .

what happens when the parents can no longer drive so all travel is to them, when they need to get to appointments, when they fall unexpectedly etc. I know all of this is boring to contemplate and everyone thinks it won’t happen to them but the reality is that it more than likely will.

we will be putting our children first and living in the convenient place even if it’s not ideal for us . Social care and the NHS do not fill gaps anymore

When children move away, they are responsible for themselves. Their parents might miss them, but they don't have any responsibility for them

When people in their 70s move away, they (generally) only have a limited window of truly independent life. And if they have children, those sons and daughters feel an obligation to support them. So yes, making that incredibly difficult for them to do, is selfish to a certain degree. And as it turned out with my mum, protestations on leaving of "I don't want or expect you to look after me" turn out to be entirely hollow.

I don't know the answer. I can't say it's right to stop people living where they want (we totally understood my mum's wish to go and didn't make any attempts to prevent her doing so or make her feel bad about it). But parents doing that are sending a message, whether they mean to or not.

It’s not about giving up on life, it’s about structuring your life in a practical way such that you don’t unnecessarily place a burden on others, however unwittingly, but are still able to live a fulfilling life yourselves. It is possible but requires thought and planing , we are in our late fifties and are already discussing how to do this. We will still be travelling ( budget allowing) and doing lots of the things we wanted to do but we will not be moving to an entirely new area where we have little knowledge of services available or a support system in place. ( remember there will be no local friends etc to jump in if needed , it can be very lonely when you first move)

Can you explain what in that quote you believe is selfish?

OP said they can't visit because of when they can take leave, and that she is going to miss them. What's selfish about that?

It is hopeless to pretend that as people get older they won’t need support because it’s as sure as night follows day, even if it’s just lifts

As someone who works with older people, I can assure you that it’s a complete fantasy that all older people rely on family help. Many, many older people get little or no support from their family, or have no one available (no kids/kids abroad/ kids CBA).

It would not be fair for the OP’s mother to expect help from the OP if she is at the other end of the country. But it’s also unfair to assume that she would expect that. As usual on MN, this thread is full of negative stereotypes about needy, selfish older parents. Just like any age group, some older people make unreasonable demands (my DM was an example), but many older people are fiercely independent and never receive family support.

Imagine staying at one place all your life in case your kids need you and thinking you might need help when you get old and then... You get nothing. Life opportunities wasted.

It is selfish to refuse to use leave to visit someone whilst at the same expecting that someone to make themselves available - alter how they want to live at a to make themselves suitable to the OP for visits

@BadNomad wow you sound horrible

OK, so not selfish for parents to move away but selfish for OP to not want to never have a holiday again?

OK, I see where we disagree.

Personally I think parents have the right to do what suits them but they can't expect others to give up things in life to protect them from some of the consequences of that. I mean natural consequences, not dreamt up punishments. OP has said that she will visit, it will just rarely be possible - unsurprising for a trip which takes most of a day (it's cornwall, 7 hours is probably good going in the school holidays).

My parents live a 4 hr drive away and I find it very difficult since DF got ill with long covid and heart attack. They live in the middle of nowhere and DF said he will never move back as they live by the sea and that me and DH should move there despite us having jobs (no DC yet as TTC) and there not being many jobs around where they live!
I find FaceTime helps so if they don’t know how to use it, teach them.

Not many of us want or plan for our children to provide a caring role for us in older age however, the chances are they will!. Even if its just to advocate for your them to other professionals.

I would warn your parents, you will not be able to provide a caring role for them in 5-10 years time if they do move. I would ask how they will cope when the mobility decreases etc? what their plan? are they going be living in supported living or a flat with a warden?

I do think its silly of them in their 70s to move away from their family.

She posed quite a good question going by opinions in this thread

We are not going to live our lives around being where our children could care for us in case of infirmity. They have their own lives and careers, we don't want to be a burden to them. How could they take us to appointments when they work full time?

We have moved somewhere with all the facilities we need within a few minutes walk, if we can't walk, there is a community bus or a taxi. Our house is suitable for when we get older. If we need care, and social care isn't available by then, we are in a position to pay for some level of support and would downsize to release further funds

I wouldn't dream of being near family solely in expectation of them having to care for us alongside their own families and careers.

Another who can see both sides. I understand you feeling sad that you inevitably won’t see them as often and that your kids won’t have quite the same relationship with them that they did BUT they will still have a relationship, it’ll just take a bit of effort on both sides. Look at it from another point of view. How would you feel if you and your kids couldn’t move to your dream area because your parents didn’t want you to as they would miss out on the close relationship with their grandkids? Also think of your own lives and what you see in the future when your kids are grown. You may want to travel the world and not want to be tied to the same place forever.
Incidentally, both my dad and mum moved to Cornwall and Devon respectively and are so happy there. Their quality of life has improved enormously and they have made new friends and new support networks.

@cyclamenqueen well let's hope all your self sacrifice pays off. You can devote you life to serving your children and grandchildren in the hope theyll be around to assist you in old age but there are no guarantees that that is how it will work out.

She later said that if they returned in 10 years time, she would be less inclined to help them.
That's selfish
The fact that while she has wrtten about not having a terribly close relationship with her mum, yet she is outraged that they are moving
That's selfish
Op has not once acknowledged that relationships can be maintained through social media, facetime etc. Some of us had parents/grandparents abroad well before the days of the internet - when a phone call to that country had to be booked in advance, yet we managed to maintain a relationships
She has not acknowledged that they may want a change of scenery and to live the life they have left on their own terms - and why the fuck shouldn't they? Why should the few years they (or any parent) have remaining spent worrying about where they live and if that is convenient for for their child/children. And what if children are scattered around the country/world - where do the parent live then to suit everyone's needs
So yes, she is being selfish