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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

443 replies

macadams · 31/08/2022 20:13

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

OP posts:
ManxRhyme · 31/08/2022 22:19

You are doing the right thing. Morally that house belongs to Thomas, it was an inheritance through his maternal bloodline that you and your ex wife benefited from by virtue of being able to live in it. Regardless of what is legally possible, it would be wrong for him to lose 2/3 of that inheritance because you and your ex wife chose to have two more children.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 22:20

The house was non-matrimonial asset in the divorce. So it was excluded from the assets that were divided up.

Thanks OP. So how did this work for your exW?

She presumably lived there for at least 7 or so years, had two DC - she's now renting, cannot buy, while you have exclusive use of the former family home, which you say was not taken into account as a matrimonial asset?

I'd be very fed-up if I were your ex. (Unless there are significant other assets you haven't mentioned tho I'm assuming not it she would have realised those to buy a property.).

WhatIsThisPlease · 31/08/2022 22:20

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing.

The house belonged to Thomas' family and should go to him alone.

goldfinchonthelawn · 31/08/2022 22:21

YANBU. The house is from his mother as well as from you. Your ex and her family will make provisions in their wills for the children you had with her. But I would explain this very clearly to your other children. If it is misconstrued as favouritism it might cause tensions.

longtompot · 31/08/2022 22:21

Whilst I understand your thinking, you won't be here to see any repercussions of this change. My fil changed his will, for sound reasons, which excluded one of his children and they blamed us for it and cut us off. We now no longer have any contact with that side of the family. It's something to think about, how will your three children be when the time comes. Will they understand or will they decide Thomas was behind this and cut him out?

PrinnyPree · 31/08/2022 22:21

Also with your will I would take into consideration if my other children would inherit much from their mother.

My concern would always be making sure all of my children were both taken care of and not so unequal that it would drive a wedge through their relationship. I do agree Thomas should inherit more if only for compensation (not that you could ever really compensate) for his Mum passing away whilst he was young and respecting her wishes but the house is your asset now. Such a difficult position OP.

ManxRhyme · 31/08/2022 22:22

If it's a non matrimonial asset then your two younger children shouldn't have any claim to it. Just explain this up front when they are old enough to understand. It's pretty straightforward.

TokenGinger · 31/08/2022 22:22

I'm really flummoxed by those who think it is unfair.

I've taken steps to ensure I have life insurance in place to protect my partner and son in the event of my death, in the knowledge that my mortgage will be paid off and my son then has a house for life.

Can posters show disagree with OP honestly say that, in the event of your death, once your mortgage is covered and your own child's future is protected, that you'd be okay with that being divided with two other children who are not your relation? To have the security taken away from your child who you made arrangements to financially safeguard?

Twillow · 31/08/2022 22:22

My initial response was that yes, this is unfair and is liable to cause disharmony between your children. But on your updates, that the eldest is quite a bit older than the others and taking all the family circumstances into account that you have mentioned, I actually do think it's fair. I would think about dividing the finances with more to the younger two though.

Emotionalsupportviper · 31/08/2022 22:22

drpet49 · 31/08/2022 20:23

“My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.”

^You are absolutely doing the right thing OP

I agree - but please make it very clear in your will that this is why you are leaving it to him - that effectively he is inheriting it from his mother, and not from you.

Not just so that your daughter's don't feel snubbed, but so that there is no grounds for them to challenge your wishes, which will be distressing for him and could cause a rift.

Your girls will inherit from their own mother - I doubt she'll split her assets 3 ways.

Original poster
macadams · 31/08/2022 22:23

@tara66. Yes, I meant a copy of the will.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 22:23

I'm sure it would have been Thomas's mother's wish that that asset goes to her child, not other children who are not hers.

Perhaps so. And certainly her share could go to Thomas, if properly arranged.

However, OP should have acquired rights as a spouse (he did anyway after her death & when he inherited the house)

The house therefore is now not just DWs for giving to Thomas - it's OP's and he has 3 DC, not 1.
That's v different to a couple each putting their share of the house in trust for a child / children at a point in time.

Lalliella · 31/08/2022 22:25

You’re doing the right thing. Your other 2 children will have a future inheritance from their mother and her side of the family. Thomas won’t.

Original poster
macadams · 31/08/2022 22:26

@Mummyoflittledragon They get along well, but I wouldn't say she brought up Thomas. He was already 16 by the time they met.

I don't know about her parents, but they do not like Thomas

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 22:26

ManxRhyme · 31/08/2022 22:22

If it's a non matrimonial asset then your two younger children shouldn't have any claim to it. Just explain this up front when they are old enough to understand. It's pretty straightforward.

I agree, if this is the case.

I'm really confused as to how it was; it's clearly the OP's - he's said so - and he was married so his now exW would have had an entitlement.

It really sucks for her to have no home for DC (when her ex does) and to be renting.

(There may be other elements that OP had not shared of course).

Original poster
macadams · 31/08/2022 22:28

@Zonder Thomas was 16 when we got married.

OP posts:
InChocolateWeTrust · 31/08/2022 22:28

Yanbu.

If I died and DH met someone else, I'd hope he would ensure that my house went to my two children, not to some subsequent kid he had with another woman.

The house came from your son's grandparents. It's not unfair - the two children with your ex wife can inherit via their own grandparents.

DirectionToPerfection · 31/08/2022 22:29

Lalliella · 31/08/2022 22:25

You’re doing the right thing. Your other 2 children will have a future inheritance from their mother and her side of the family. Thomas won’t.

Will they? Their mother is renting.

This potentially sets up a huge disparity between the OP's three children.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 22:29

TokenGinger · 31/08/2022 22:22

I'm really flummoxed by those who think it is unfair.

I've taken steps to ensure I have life insurance in place to protect my partner and son in the event of my death, in the knowledge that my mortgage will be paid off and my son then has a house for life.

Can posters show disagree with OP honestly say that, in the event of your death, once your mortgage is covered and your own child's future is protected, that you'd be okay with that being divided with two other children who are not your relation? To have the security taken away from your child who you made arrangements to financially safeguard?

You can't have done this tho - presuming you own with your DP.

You can protect your share of the property for your DC, and your partner can do the same. You cannot decide what's happening with your partner's share.

If it entirely yours & not partners, then you can do exactly as you wish.

In answer to your question, I quite be genuinely would be ok with an asset I once owned with my DH, if I had one, to be shared differently after my death.

CactusBlossom · 31/08/2022 22:30

macadams · 31/08/2022 20:37

It was mentioned when they first gave us the house how one day it would be Thomas's

It's following the family line. It's not as if you are not giving the other children anything, but you are honouring the family tradition and the son of that family is inheriting the house. The fact that your ex does not have a house means that she hoped that your children together would have equal inheritance, but they do not have the same grandparents. I think you are being perfectly reasonable. If your ex had a house, I doubt she would include your son with your late wife in her Will equally with her won children.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 22:31

He was already 16 by the time they met.

You were with your wife at least 3 years before she met your son?

Brigante9 · 31/08/2022 22:32

Yanbu, but every time my dm bangs on about leaving everything 50/50 to my brother and I, I remind that a) neither of us needs or wants her money (lots of history/resentment) and b) she doesn’t know what will happen in the future so promising us money/assets is pointless.

DirectionToPerfection · 31/08/2022 22:33

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 22:31

He was already 16 by the time they met.

You were with your wife at least 3 years before she met your son?

And with a three year old child?

This all sounds quite strange.

SunnyD44 · 31/08/2022 22:34

I agree - but please make it very clear in your will that this is why you are leaving it to him - that effectively he is inheriting it from his mother, and not from you.

I agree.

I would tell him that the house will be his as that is what his mum and grandparents wanted and they left it for him.

But his siblings won’t go without as they’ll have money and things from their mums side.

You are definitely doing the right thing and your late wife will be very happy that you are taking care of your son so well.

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 31/08/2022 22:35

I personally think you are doing the right thing.
Except I wouldn't leave the will with your ex-wife for safekeeping.
If it got 'lost', intestacy rules would divide your estate three ways...
This happened to a friend of a friend.
Personally, I'd leave it with Thomas or a solicitor.

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