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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

443 replies

macadams · 31/08/2022 20:13

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

OP posts:
Original poster
macadams · 31/08/2022 21:56

@PainsandAches Actually my late wife's mum is still alive. My late wife and her father are deceased. I'm sorry if that was unclear.

OP posts:
Christmasiscominghohoho · 31/08/2022 21:56

It’s very unlikely your children will be ok with this. I feel sorry for them.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/08/2022 21:57

Also your children are the next generation in the family, once you’re gone you want them to be united, not to think Thomas is different. It will create an unnecessary rift in the name of 3 generations back- what’s the point.

Petrar · 31/08/2022 21:58

Whatyagonnadokatie · 31/08/2022 21:51

If I was hour late wife I’d be turning in my grave if you left the house that had been from my parents to your children with another woman instead of my son.

is your ex wife leaving a third of her home to Thomas?

People in their graves are dead, they have no opinions and have no need for houses.

ohdearnotme · 31/08/2022 22:00

On the surface it seems fair, but if it would give one of your children a massive leg up in life and leave the others in a much less privileged place, I'm not sure I could actually do it.
I think this would depend on the total inheritance they will be receiving.

Hopefully no one is planning on going too soon anyway :)

custardbear · 31/08/2022 22:01

Surely your ex will share her will between her two children? In which case you're giving Thomas the share from you/his mum

SteakExpectations · 31/08/2022 22:01

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 21:53

is your ex wife leaving a third of her home to Thomas?

She is renting.

And OP said My ex wife plans on leaving everything of her split equally between the three.

Seems like a good caring DM / DSM

While OP is alive, that’s all pie in the sky.

Literally anything could happen in the next 20+ years.

Original poster
macadams · 31/08/2022 22:01

@Dotcheck I'll make sure to explain it to the younger two when they are older.

OP posts:
Dasher789 · 31/08/2022 22:01

I think you either give the whole house to Thomas or you give Thomas 4/6th of the house - representing his mums half and a third of yours. The other 2/6th representing your half could then be given each to the DC you have with your ex wife.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 22:03

@macadams

Are you going to answer any of the questions relating to your exW interest in the house & how this was settled in the divorce? It's pertinent to the way in which the house was viewed and how the different parties were accommodated in relation to it.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 31/08/2022 22:04

Your will and your choice. You have your reasons (I agree with them but that's neither here nor there) and that should be respected.

Mamai90 · 31/08/2022 22:04

PainsandAches · 31/08/2022 20:25

YABU

Purely because think of what your other children will take from this snub

Do you want to leave this earth having thrown a hand grenade into your childrens relationships with each other?

I agree.

The best thing would be to sit down with all your children and discuss what they think is fair and just. You don't want to leave behind a trail of hurt but I do understand it's a tricky one.

PrinnyPree · 31/08/2022 22:07

I think a fairer split, since you have inherited the house and it is now your asset that you live in and maintain, would be 4/6 of the house to Thomas 1/6 each to the other 2 and split your other assets by 1/3s. Then that way Thomas gets half the house from his Mum but then the other half of the house is split 3 ways if that makes sense?

Original poster
macadams · 31/08/2022 22:09

@FatEaredFuck

Thomas is 19. I'm going to try and talk to him about it sometime this week.

My daughter is 6. My younger son is just under 2 years. I feel like they're probably still a little too young to talk about this. At least the youngest definitely is.

OP posts:
ohdearnotme · 31/08/2022 22:09

idril · 31/08/2022 21:30

Why not leave. half of the house to Thomas (your late wife's share) and split the other half (your half) between the other two (or maybe third it between the other two).

This is the fairest way.

Tabasco007 · 31/08/2022 22:09

I know someone and her brother who's mum passed away, it was her house and her dying request was to make sure they get the house when they are older. Dad met someone else, she took over, he paid for their kids wedding etc, and they never ended up seeing any of the house or money. Personally if the other 2 will inherit via your ex's family then it seems fair, or maybe a 60 /20/20 split or something

PrinnyPree · 31/08/2022 22:11

@Dasher789 sorry crossed post, great minds and all that... 😅

EarringsandLipstick · 31/08/2022 22:11

My daughter is 6. My younger son is just under 2 years.

Even more correct that their mum is advocating for them then.

Foronenightonly22 · 31/08/2022 22:11

yonce · 31/08/2022 20:20

Wills are always a tough one - but I can completely understand your position.

Your three DC will equally inherit your assets from you, their father. Your eldest son will also inherit from his mother, your late wife (the house). I'm sure your other two DC will also inherit from your ex wife (their mother). This is how I would also imagine things to work.

My step sister inherited similarly when my step dads mum died, as she was the only blood grandchild. This hasn't ever caused an issue in our relationship and I think it's really nice that she had something from her grandma, as I probably will one day from my dads parents. I think it's lovely that your eldest son would have something from his late mother, and his grandparents. I hope your other two children will understand this.

This - with bells on.

TheGlitterFairy · 31/08/2022 22:12

You’ve done the right thing OP - protect Thomas and the inheritance from
his mothers side (grandparents). Def the right thing to do.
Your other children will receive a share of your assets.

Liorae · 31/08/2022 22:12

picklemewalnuts · 31/08/2022 20:35

How will you and Thomas feel if your ex doesn't leave any of her estate to him?

I doubt very much that the ex ever had any intention of leaving anything to Thomas.

A580Hojas · 31/08/2022 22:14

You have "benefited" from inheriting the house due to your late wife's passing. It was a gift to you in her will. It is now once removed from her parents.

Of course you must now leave it equally to be split between your 3 children. I honestly can't see how you don't get it.

TokenGinger · 31/08/2022 22:14

You're absolutely doing the right thing. I suspect your ex-wife will not be listing your son as a beneficiary in her will, so those children will inherit from their mother, just like Thomas is inheriting from his mother.

My partner and I had our wills written recently and have declared the same thing. The house will be in a trust for DS. DP or I will have the right to reside in the house until our deaths, but the house will belong to DS. This protects it from being considered an asset in any future marriage/divorce, or being left to any future children we may have with another partner.

It's absolutely the right thing to do. Morally, the house is not yours. It was purchased by Thomas's grandparents, for Thomas's mother, and I'm sure it would have been Thomas's mother's wish that that asset goes to her child, not other children who are not hers.

MarpleFan · 31/08/2022 22:16

I think you are doing totally the right thing. Both of my parents we're married before they had me (and had children form their previous spouses), and have then since remarried (although no more children). It can tricky, but both of my parents have spoken to us honestly about how and why things are being split and we all understand and respect their choices - being open about it makes things a lot more straightforward.

Original poster
macadams · 31/08/2022 22:16

@EarringsandLipstick Sorry, there are quite a bit of comments. I've gotten a bit overwhelmed. I did not see any of the previous comments that asked this question. I'm sure I missed more than a few others as well.

The house was non-matrimonial asset in the divorce. So it was excluded from the assets that were divided up.

OP posts: