AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

[macadams]

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

I can see both sides of the argument, but I think you should give priority to whatever will make all three of your children feel loved and not cause them to fall out.

I think it is sad, so many people have more than one child because they feel it is important for their children to have siblings and then leave a will that makes them all fall out with other.

There is no guarantee anything will be left to Thomas, as he's not hers. Words mean nothing. Wills can be changed, lost, destroyed, (make sure it's safe with your legal representative), on purpose or by accident. Family can pressure us do things, you would never believe they could. If they don't like Thomas, that's a huge red flag.

Your son, your wishes.
Joint step children have npo rights to the assets acquired when you were previously married. Especially as this marriage was the source of the asset.

It's non of your ex wife's business what you do with your own assets. Why is she privy to the details? I know nothing of my ex husbands will, now he has a partner with 3 if her own children. It's non of my business. Whatever happens, happens.

She should not be meddling in your affairs.

Absolutely right. It’s about treating them fairly, and that doesn’t mean equally.

in this situation the house came from one part of the family so it is fair it goes to the child of that line. Would ex wife’s parents be happy if part of their estate when to a step child. I doubt it.

those saying it will cause problems, it might but it doesn’t mean you shirk away from the decision because other won’t like it

I think you are doing the right thing. House to Thomas. Something else to the other two. Most might not give to the step daughter but it is admirable that you are. Your ex wife is probably being unreasonable when looked at objectively but she is just looking to protect and look after her own two children who it sounds like will inherit less as no house. Normal motherly behaviour. Yet not really reasonable.

OP. This abounds normal. Your children will receive a third of your estate and T will receive the inheritance due to him from his mother and her parents.

Totally normal and not unreasonable. Your ex is unreasonable!!!!

I completely agree with what you are doing. YANBU.

If your late wife had lived longer, she would have likely bequeathed all of her assets to your shared child. Any assets that belonged specifically to your late wife or came through her family should go entirely to the children you shared.

I think it’s the right thing to do. With your other assets you haven’t made any difference between the kids (including your step daughter). Which is also the right thing to do. Your son lost his mum, the home was intended for him and came from her family. But I think it will need to be really sensitively explained.

The alternative is to give your deceased wifes 50% of the house to your son and split your share of the house 3 ways.

I am genuinely staggered that anyone has voted YABU.

If I died and my husband split our marital assets equally between my children and his children from a second marriage, I'd come back and haunt him.

Also this isn't a change is it, the OP has said this has always been what he wanted - his wife just couldn't be bothered to read the joint wills 🙄

I'd specify in the will why I was doing it - the house was gifted to the parents with the stated intention that it would one day belong to Thomas, therefore etc.

YANBU at all, it was removed from marital assets and it was your wife's expectation that you'd leave the house to Thomas. You sound like a fair and genuine person

You get ONE chance to say what happens to your assets and that’s in your will. The grandparents could’ve included Thomas in their will but they didn’t. The late wife could’ve included him in hers but she didn’t. They had their chance to state their wishes and those have been served and the result is that the OP now owns the house. He has three children and should split everything equally. The people who came before are no longer relevant.

If I died and my husband split our marital assets equally between my children and his children from a second marriage, I'd come back and haunt him

Then it’s on you to set up your will so your children are covered. You don’t get to say who the person you’ve willed it to, then wills it onto themselves. That’s their decision.

The people who came before are no longer relevant.
The wishes of those who have died are always relevant to those who loved them.

House to Thomas

Op - are you currently living in the house? I inly asked as you said that you rented it, and never lived in it with ex-wife (I believed you said you also bought somewhere together, and sold it/assets split?). What did you do with these cash assets? Have you bought yourself somewhere else, or have you gone back to house you had with first wife (the house in question)?

If you are not living in it, would there be a possibility of gifting the house to Thomas now (or when he reaches a certain age, as 19 is atill very young to inherit that much)? This would ensure that Thomas benefits from the house that his maternal grandparents gifted, and would resolve any issues in the will/bad feelings after your death. Thomas gets house now, everything in the will (hopefully many years down the line) just gets equally split 3 ways (or 2 if you decide not to include your stepdaughter).

In today's Climate it might actually be more beneficial to Thomas now - he sets him up with a home to live in/he can sell and use the assets to move to a different home of his own choosing, rather than when you die, by which time I hope all your children are a lot older, nd lready settled etc.

Also, what happens to the house if you need care in old age? If the house is needed to pay for this, does that mean that Thomas is essentially the only one who is getting lumped with that bill? Or will your other assets be used first for this? In which case, Thomas will be the only person who ends up inheriting anything?

It's not making sense really. You are going to leave an equal

Posted too soon...

You are going to leave an equal amount to your younger son and step daughter and yet you won't be leaving an equal amount to both of your sons.

@TheHumanExperience I didn't use the word cursed? I know what I would do that's why I wrote my comment. What's your issue?

Go and get proper advice from an IHT and estate planner.

You're defo doing the right thing with regard to the house BUT are you putting provisions so there's decent capital for the other children? Most people would be paying off their mortgage so the majority of their estate would be the house. Is there actually going to be much in the way of asserts for the other children? That might be something to think about. Also remind ex wife that your children with her will inherit from herself and her parents and your other child doesn't have that to gain.

Really? You wouldn't trust your partner to take your wishes into consideration? Interesting...

In any case, the OP has made their decision. I can't tell if you are of those saying he IBU but by your logic, he should be allowed to make that decision and so therefore why is anyone telling him he shouldn't?

Unfortunately the whole point of your post was undermined by rolling out a drip feed of changes to what most posters will think is the default scenario (that you were talking about the marital home and that all three children were yours).

It makes a huge difference in this situation if the house you previously shared with your late wife and be subsequently shared and maintained with your second for a decade or more vs the situation where there was a separate marital home sold and divided and the first had been rented.

It makes a huge difference that not all the children are yours by biology or adoption..

You really haven't helped yourself here. Get professional advice on options for dividing up your estate from someone with both details of your situation and the knowledge to turn it into a will.

I think you are sabotaging Thomas’s future relationships with his siblings. He may end up with a house but the resentment and hurt this will cause is likely to cost him his family. Is it worth it it even fair to him?

Most people do trust their partners in this and rightly so but you don’t know what’s going to happen in terms of them remarrying and having more children and then they might feel differently. That’s a risk you have to take. If you don’t want to take that risk, draft your will accordingly.

My view is that he should make his decision on the basis of what is best for the people who are living, his three children, and not those who are deceased, who have already had their wishes taken into account by virtue of their wills, which they made freely.

I would not want to potentially damage a sibling relationship and cause bad feeling, I think that is more important than honouring the wishes of people who aren’t here anymore and, as I keep repeating, have had their wishes carried out already.

This isn't complicated at all.

Thomas inherits solely from his mothers side.

These assests have nothing to do with your ex wife whatsoever.

I think she is a CF thinking those assets are to be shared in any way with her children.

Lay it out clearly in your will, including your reasoning.

Thomas's grandparents gave you that home for Thomas.

There is nothing more to it, than that.

I'm surprised how many people are saying YABU

If I died, I'd want my own family assets to go to my own children, not my husband's new children / step children