AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

[macadams]

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

I would probably do the same in your circumstances, but would make an effort to leave equal value to the other 2 children even if it meant your oldest son received less cash.

Perhaps we see it from the pov of the people who are still alive, rather than overriding with the “feelings” of the dead

If I died, I'd want my own family assets to go to my own children, not my husband's new children / step children

Then you draft your will accordingly. It’s that simple!

This is totally reasonable now you’ve explained it. And congratulations for thinking ahead and taking care to recognise the delicacy of blended families and property and inheritance.

You’re doing what many parents overlook. You only have to read some of the inheritance threads on here to realise that lack of care by a parent can cause all sorts of damage.

Why would your ex wife, who's only known your first son for three years, leave a third of her assets to him in her will? Are you sure she's planning to do that, or could she be saying that because she wants her dc with you to get a share of the house?

And sharing it wouldn’t? You don’t think Thomas could possibly resent having his maternal asset split with a stepchild and a half sibling that have nothing to do with his mother?

Do what your parents would want you to do.

Difficult one.

If I died, my share of our house would go to DH, and I would then expect that to be divided between our children upon his death. I wouldn't expect my share of the house to be divided up between our children and then also any future children he might have with somebody else iyswim. So if the house belonged entirely to your late wife, I think it's ok to be left entirely to your child together.

I don't think there's any right or wrong answer though.

Personally I think it's fair that you leave the house solely to your eldest but you should be giving more of your other assets to your younger children, so all three end up with a similar monetary value. You chose to have two more.

I suspect exW is saying she will split 3 ways but she won't. This is her way if trying to secure more money for your dc with her.
The children with exW will inherit from her family and Thomas will be excluded. Therefore,it is fair that Thomas inherits the house from his mum's side of the family.
Otherwise I can see 2 of your DC inheriting very well from both families and Thomas bring the worst off.
Leave house to Thomas - he can choose to share if he wants to. Besides, with adult social care costs who knows if there will be anything left to even fight about!

I think what's safest is to write each of the children a letter to explain your reasoning (and give some nice memory comments too). Thomas is receiving his inheritance from his mother and her family, shared assets from you and the other children you expect will receive an inheritance from their own mother and her family. They can then read in your own words why you made those decisions. I wouldn't explain it to Thomas while the others are so young and finances or situations might change over time, just let the letters explain it. You might want to consider your instructions on the will about what happens if you have no money left apart from.the house, or if the house has been sold (e.g. for care home fees).

I have agreed with DH and we have an attachment to our mirror wills to cover that if I died, he will ensure my share goes to DS and not to any future children he might have. We actually talked over it in detail to the point that we agreed he would do a small variation if the balance became particularly unfair for some reason (if he had nothing else to leave a subsequent child and new partner, to be able to leave them something under 5% of estate; or if the new partner was exceptionally wealthy, to ensure DS isn't disadvantaged). I won't have any more children and would leave everything to DS rather than to a step child, but again might leave a small amount as a gift, again under 5% of the estate. So what you're doing sounds quite similar.

Possibly, assuming that a) Thomas has a significant relationship with his younger siblings which he will want to preserve and b) the younger siblings will grow up to be greedy and vindictive. Those are big assumptions.

You are doing the right thing. Your late wife trusted you to take care of Thomas in the event of your death. Your late in-laws wanted for one day Thomas to inherit the house. By leaving the house to Thomas you are fulfilling your late in-laws and late wife's wishes. As a father you are sharing your assets between your 3 children. That is fair and is respectful of your late wife. Your ex can leave her wealth to whomever she chooses. So can you. Don't let your ex bully you into disrespecting your late wife's legacy for Thomas.

In this case when OP remarried he showed future wife his will leaving house to Thomas and she had no complaints at the time. Leave a letter with your will explaining why you left house to Thomas as his legacy from his Mum and equal shares of wealth for all 3 children from you. You are definitely doing correct thing

I think you have done the right thing. Bearing in mind that a marriage invalidates a will, if you made your first will before your marriage to her, she would have got all your assets if you died anyway.
This thread is an opportunity to remind everyone that if you get married, any will you made previously is invalid, UNLESS you made it "in anticipation of marriage" and the solicitor made the wording very clear.
I have seen so many first families lose out on everything due to one parent getting married again and not making a new will. Very hard on those children, especially if their birth mother or father intended for them to inherit something.
You might want to see if gifting all or some of the property to your son now would be a better plan.

I have a property portfolio of 8 btl houses. 2 are shared with DH but 6 are mine. We share our family home and a home in France. I am leaving my 2 dgc a house between them with my dd having a lifetime interest. That way dd gets rental income during her lifetime then 2 dgs inherit upon her death. If my dd were to divorce her DH the house in dgc names would not be counted as asset of her marriage and have to be sold and shared with her DH. It is just wealth planning to ensure family money stays in the family. Your late wife would want Thomas to inherit her house.

If you leave Thomas the house, he will inherit his mothers family home.

If you split it three ways, then Thomas’s family home will be sold to share out the money. I can’t imagine that’s what your late wife would have wanted!

I would leave Thomas the house, and split the cash between the other two. And mention where the house came from to all the children so they would understand why.

So you were only married to ex wife for 3 years and she got equal share of your family home together. The 6 year old is your stepchild and 2 year old your biological child. A 3 year marriage is very short and the house from your late wife was not counted in divorce settlement for a reason. It should go to Thomas from his late Mum. Try to make sure you devote time to 2 other children as they grow up.

To avoid an issue, I would gift the house to Thomas when he turned 21 as his inheritance from his "Mom"
I would then treat them equally in your will.

@endofthelinefinally the last will was made specifically because of the the marriage.

I do plan on revisiting this once Thomas is more settled in life. Right now he is still in school and we don’t know where he’ll end up. If he’ll want to live in the house or use the money from the house to pay for one somewhere. Could still be a few years so I thought having the will like this until he’s ready made the most sense.

@macadams so within the last 3 years, you met, married, had a baby and divorced a woman? I agree that the house should go to your eldest son because he went through the trauma of losing his mum at a young age and should inherit from his mum and grandparents. Your youngest son will inherit from you and his mum (as you’re his bio parents) and your ex’s Dd will inherit from her parents and grandparents.

I think the house should go to your eldest ds. The rest of your assets should be divided between your sons. You have only known your step Dd for 3 years so she could get a token amount if you wish to leave her something.

macadams · Yesterday 20:37
It was mentioned when they first gave us the house how one day it would be Thomas's“

in which case, you’ve done the right thing.

Not really relevant to this situation, but just an illustration of what can happen if wills are not sorted out properly. My mother lost her own mum when she was a child. Her father married again later in life, to a woman who had her own children. He died suddenly, having never made a new will when he married. The second wife and her children sold off every single brick and stick of furniture, even my late grandmother's wedding ring. They destroyed photographs and keepsakes. My mum had absolutely nothing by which to remember her mother and father. It was a source of great sadness for the rest of her life.

YANBU. I was on the fence until I read your ds is 16 and it was only a short marriage anyway. Ex wife is v v unreasonable given those details. If she raised him as her own then I can kind of see her point. I think, I can’t articulate why tbh. Maybe because you are placing deceased wife memory as priority over your children’s feelings. However in the grand scheme she has not been gone too long.

I do wonder about the motive for telling your ex wife about the will? Did she need to know? I hope it wasn’t a low blow because it has opened a can of worms.

I would not tell your ds tbh because you do not know what the future holds, you might need the money yourself. I actually dated someone who knew he would inherit in same circumstances you describe. It seemed to add an air of arrogance because they had a “ready made” house already waiting.