AIBU for only leaving my son the house?

[macadams]

Since my ex wife and I recently got divorced I changed my will to leaving equal shares of my assets (aside from the house) to my three children instead of all to my ex. The only thing I hadn't changed in the will was to leave the house solely to my eldest son, Thomas.

After I had everything finalized I ended up sending the updated will to my ex so she could keep it for her records. She was quite upset when she read it. She says that it is unfair and that all my assets, including the house, should be split equally between all three kids in the event of my death.

My reasoning for only leaving Thomas the house is because he is actually the son I had with my late wife. The house was from her parents. Being that Thomas is the only one of my children that was also their grandchild I feel it is only right that he inherit the house.

My ex wife knew about the history of the house, but had mistakenly assumed all these years that all three children would get an equal stake in the property. I had actually told her to look through the previous will when we first got married, but apparently she only glanced at it. Obviously there was a lack of proper communication, but we cant change the past. So here we are.

Am I being unreasonable here? or is my ex wife?

@macadams

Of course it matters, given the complexity of your family: a former marriage, an older son, a significant asset, a very short marriage, small toddler, stepdaughter you had a short time with ...! I mean, come on!

Its laudable you want to support DSD

But you need proper advice on all of this and how you can be fair and also appropriate.

Thomas should have the house - it's his mums. If I had a child and left the house to my DH trusting he'd look after our DC, I would not want my/our house going to any other children DH might have and particularly not to step-children.

Your ex-wife is cheeky to have questioned your will, I don't know why you shared it with her. I have not seen my exh will and would never expect to - and we are very amicable.

Bingo

I think you have several issues going on here -
One is passing on your late wife’s assets fairly. I certainly see that it is reasonable to leave Thomas half the house on top of a split of the rest of the estate. I don’t think it’s reasonable to give the whole house. If your late wife hadn’t been given it you would probably have bought something else instead that wouldn’t seem so ring fenced. Your late wife presumably contributed to your financial and home life in all sorts of ways, it wasn’t just the house. The fact it is seen as one item doesn’t give it super powers. Nevertheless, it’s not unreasonable to make some special provision for Thomas on the basis that it’s a form of pass through from his mum, I don’t think it’s reasonable to make as big an asset as the whole house, though that might depend on the size of the estate as a whole.

But you have a more compelling obligation too (you may have already tackled this in some other way, so this may not so relevant but…). With your youngest being so young you need to make more provision for them until they have finished full time education. Thomas has had all his childhood with your financial support, you need to make similar provision for the youngest beyond any regular inheritance. This doesn’t have to mean from your estate, necessarily, a decent sized life insurance policy could provide instead.

At first I could see your point and reasoning but actually it's a very bad idea. Think about the here and now. You own assets including a house and have 3 children. Split it fairly otherwise you will leave this earth having caused hurt to two of your children.

Will you be leaving the same amount to your (step) daughter as to your younger son?

@NumberTheory I do already have a life insurance policy

@Zonder Yes

I often hear of the following scenario and think it’s unfair. Parent 1 dies, Parent 2 remarries, then the new spouse outlives Parent 2 and inherits everything, including the family home.

Personally, I think it’s right that Thomas inherits his family home, but ideally the younger two would each receive an inheritance of the same worth (from you, their mother and her family combined). If this means that Thomas doesn’t get a share of any cash, so be it.

I’m glad you’re going to talk to the children and explain. I’m always amazed by how many people don’t. I can remember three instances in my family alone in which a will caused upset after a relative’s death.

Under the circumstances your will is based on the fact the house belonged to your late parents., so if that is your wish then so be it. Nothing to do with your ex wife.

Bit OP doesn’t have three children. The six year old girl is his ex step daughter. And he was only briefly married to her mother. There
should be no expectation of inheritance for an ex step child. Particularly as the asset originated from OPs first wife’s family.

The house should go to Thomas in my opinion. It's from his mother's family.

I know legally you can split it however you like, but morally it wouldn't be right if Thomas didn't get it.

I know someone in a similar situation. A (very valuable) house from her late father's family ended up being left (by her mother) to a child from the mother's second marriage. Again, legal, but not right or fair in the circumstances.

It’s lively you feel this way. But will you still feel this way In ten or twenty years?

your marriage to her mother was very brief. Did you adopt her? Is her dad in her life? Is it reasonable that your ex wife thinks your ex step daughter should inherit from your first wife’s family?

50% of the house was yours and 50% your late wife’s. You should give Thomas your late wife’s 50% and split your half three ways.

Thomas gets approx 67% and the other two get approx 17% each. Only more precise to make 100%.

Or Thomas gets 75% and the two year old gets 25%. I do sort of agree that the six year old shouldn’t get anything as they are not the ops child.

It is insane for the ex step child to inherit property from the family of Thomas’ deceased mother. OP is lovely to include stepdaughter in his will, but Thomas did not even grow up with these children. Ex wife says she will spilt her seemingly non-existent assists three ways, but there is not way to enforce that. The three did not grow up in the house, the ex wife benefitted from. It did not contribute to the asset, and Thomas lost his mom. It just seems nuts that an ex wife would comment as she has when it is not even her business.

The six year old is your ex-wife's daughter?
I don't really see why she should inherit one third of a house which belonged to you and your late wife.
I think you are doing the right thing - Thomas inherits from his mother and from you. And the six year old, who isn't even your daughter, and you weren't with her mother very long at all, is going to inherit a third of your assets (excluding the house) and inherit from her mother (if the mother has any assets) and where is her biological father in this?
And the third child will inherit from you and from him mother.

You are well within your rights to leave the house to Thomas under these circumstances. Don't feel guilty about it, there is no reason to. Don't allow yourself to be bullied or made guilty because of your decision.

Preferably with a diagram and a timeline.

It does seem like half the problem here is that everyone is pretending everyone else’s children are theirs for the purposes of all assets except one.

Did the subject of the house and it’s inheritance ever come up while you were married?

Yanbu - they are your son’s family, your other children aren’t their family.

@Stripedbag101

I can always change my will based on how I feel in the future. Doesn’t make sense to me to change it now based on how I might feel in the future when I have no way of knowing how I’ll feel in the future.

I didn’t adopt her, but her dad has never been involved in her life and she calls me dad.

I don’t think my ex is reasonable for thinking our daughter or younger son should inherit from my late wife’s family. That’s the whole point of this post.

@whoopdedo Leave this earth having cursed 2 of his children! You're having a laugh. Is this what you would really do, if you were in this position. Think about it...

@Stripedbag101 100% spot on.

It's Thomas' house after you die.

I'm so sorry, this is a difficult situation but you are doing the right thing.

Well done for thinking like this. I am sure your son will appreciate being able to keep his family home.

Your other children will be fine too and if they're like you will completely understand.

I think you’re being really fair, and also rather lovely to a DSD to continue us to treat her the same as your two bio children. The house is essentially Thomas’ inheritance from his mum, so it makes sense that is passed straight to him.