Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

That's offensive too. She doesn't stay on the couch all day, how insulting. She goes out, does things with her dc, does chores, not just stay at home all day!

See? Anyone can get worked up about anything

One is unemployed and reliant on others for money.

Doesn't that make the other reliant on someone else to look after their child ?

@DucklingDaisy but a sahp is unemployed

This.

I agree it's a crappy, inaccurate term. But I also don't think that people who use it actually mean to imply anything negative - I think it's just lazy language and the literal meaning won't have occurred to them.

At the end of the day some people will put down other peoples choices to feel better about their own choices (whether that’s being a working a non-working parent)

Best one I ever had was when I was off to California to work for six months and leaving behind a miserable job. One woman said I’d have loved to do that but I chose love instead - we were 22/23. Didn’t realise by travelling/working abroad it meant that I’d given up love forever.

Oh god please dont tell me that some people think SAHM/P actually means they literally never leave the house.
Dying 😂

So do full time mums become part time mums when their children go to school?

Don't see the difference between SAHMs v WOHMs' 'motherhood' status whether they are apart from their dcs through work or because of school.

I was a SAHM for 4 years and find being a working parent harder in all honesty. Could be because my child has additional needs so we have to juggle working, drop/pickups and appointments/telephone consultations.

Being a SAHM meant being able to choose our schedules and how busy we were.

I am a wife/sister/daughter/mother 100% of the time. It is who I am.

I was a stay at home parent. This descibed what I did with most of my waking hours.

I now work out of the home in a "full time" role. I suppose you could call me a "full time Dr/Lawyer/Shop Assistant". But that doesn't define me as a person - just what I do with the 37 hours a week.

So her phrase was her descibing what she "does" when most people are at work. Not who she is. Stupid phrase...? Meh? Maybe to help her feel justified (it can feel very undervalued)

But really, life is too short to get het up about other people's labels. Maybe you came across (to her) as a bit "look at how important I am commuting" - or hit a nerve with her.

Let it go.

I'm a working parent and not doing the 'parent'/house work 24/7. I'm not offended by that. It doesn't mean you're any more or less of a parent, just that you're not actively performing that role full time.

I get the irritation but as other have said just ignore and move on. Comments like this often come from a place of insecurity. From her point of view she may well have viewed you talking about your work as bragging because she doesn't. So her insecurity came out and countered it with a bit of a dig at you about parenting. FWIW, unless her children don't go to school or nursery then technically she isn't a "full time mum" either 🤷‍♀️

I think people are being over sensitive.
SAHP is a better way of wording it, but ultimately the ‘full time Mum” comment is used when talking about your working status. So in that context, yes she’s a full time Mum and you are not.

When her children go to school and if she still doesn’t work, I wouldn’t call her a full time Mum anymore as she wouldn’t be.

People being pedantic, talking about is she still a FTM if the kids go to granny’s or she goes to the gym, are missing the point. It’s a statement about employment status.

It's THIS tone which makes people defensive I think.
Leaving aside "mumming", that you think all people working full time have chosen to do so, and therefore they've chosen not to be with their children says it really. Can you deny your comment isn't laced with judgement on the mother?

I'm a bit of an old hat at hearing full time Mum. I've always said yes, I do work, but I do not stop being a Mother when someone else is caring for my child.

What about the SAHM who goes out for the evening while someone else looks after the child. Is she still a full time Mum then? Or when the children are at school? Is there a cut off?

I think it all depends on the context. It does ruffle my feathers when I hear it out and about, but I understand what people mean by it. It's usually pretty clear when someone thinks they're a better parent because they are able to stay at home. Sometimes I think it comes from a feeling of not feeling valued, which I think is a shame, and sometimes it is because they genuinely think they are a better person.

I should have done but I couldn’t believe someone who I’d never met before could have been so rude. Probably stood with my mouth open ! 🤣

I think the problem here stems from the fact that 'parent' is both a noun and a verb. When you are not directly caring for your child you still remain a parent (noun) even if you are not parenting (verb) - and of course undertaking paid employment to provide for the child is part of parenting (verb). We could do with a clearer term to denote the act of parenting as distinct from the state of being a parent.

This is annoys the shit out of me too. STAY AT HOME PARENT. All parents are full time parents FFS.
I only work when my kids asleep, I get up with him every morning, put him to bed at night and everything in between then I start work. Am I part time parent?

yes, I used to say full time mum to avoid saying ''unemployed''.

I envied people with jobs. I had low earning potential and two difficult children that minders wouldn't have been clamouring to mind for a small charge, ykwim, felt cornered in to being a ft mum.

Had to wait for them to grow up before I got a ft job.

What?! That was the first time you'd met them?!!

Goes to show how deeply ingrained the role of women being at home is when randoms dare to make such comments 😑

I doubt your friend meant what she said the way you have taken it.

I also had the quibbling over the terms Lone Parent and Single Parent - and Co-Parent - with people arguing about what it’s called if you have no dad involved or if he has the child(ren) some of the time.

FFS we all parent. We all find it hard. What we call ourselves or each other doesn’t make it any easier - for any of us!

As the children get older and you spend more years being a parent, you definitely give less fucks about things like this.

But when you are a WP you are valued because you have a paid job.
Generally speaking SAHP is not valued at all. In fact it’s seen as lazy.
I don’t think it should be paid. Just recognised and valued.

No. You sound like a legend tbh! You must be knackered!

why can't 'full time mothers' go to London anyway? I must have missed the memo.

To be honest I find the term Stay at home mum pretty offensive.