Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

@Pinkpeony2

Of course its not paid.

No parent is paid for parenting

What a weird thing to say.

Being a sahp is no more or less important than being a wp.

@Thinkbiglittleone

Nah

I dont see how its relevant. Total shoe horn.

It's badly put. She has full time caring responsibilities. That's how you'd describe it if asked about gaps in employment. Working means that you've passed those responsibilities to childcare. Everyone gets time off work. You can chose to leave your child in childcare and have a day to yourself. Parents whose children are in school have time for appointments etc. Likewise if you were caring for a disabled adult who could access a day center etc then your role would leave you space for yourself as opposed to looking after someone full time who has severe disabilities.

Yanbu being a full time mum isn't a job we are all full time mums, it doesn't need saying. My 'full time mum' clients get a bit annoyed when I write 'UNEMPLOYED' on their forms. It's amusing when they realise they are in fact just unemployed.

@Topgub

I've just explained how it is.
I know you choose to not see things, but it's there.

She might even have been a bit jealous as she’s not been able to go to London that’s why she said it you never know. (Yes I know it’s work not a fun day in London but maybe she’s feeling like she wants to go and wants a break?!)

Ah so working parents have a clocking in machine by their front doors?

What would you have liked her to call herself?

Would that have made you feel better?

Essentially SAHP should perhaps call themselves "Childminders" or "Nursery carers" as that is the equivalent paid role that is being substituted! Except.....that's a paid role - so not comparable!

It isn't a case of being unemployed, as someone has to look after children up to a certain age (let's face it on MN kids need to be well into secondary before they can be left alone without a meteor landing on the house when the parents are out) - it just doesn't seem to attract a pecuniary equivalent - so can be looked down upon!

You aren't activity caring for your children while you are at work. YABU and a job is easier than being a SAHM in my opinion, and im an engineer.

Yep.. there is a group of SAHM mums at my DC school who always make sarcastic comments...

Parenting isn’t about being physically welded to their child. In fact many would argue that a mother engaged in activity which takes them out of the house are engaged in some very strong parenting as example of independence.

I hate that term, it reminds me of the women from school who have made being a parent a personality and use the term ‘full time mummy’ in all sm bios.
Its not like you turn into a fully different person when you go to work so you are only a part time parent.

I've been a working mum and a stay at home home. And I would take being a working mum all day long. Being a stay at home mum is tough in ways people don't realise, and often you have to be motivated to get through the day, every day, without external influences helping you set routines. Having said that being a working mum is very hard too. How about we actually support other mothers and stop having threads that divide us? Or is that too difficult for MUMSNET!

OP, you knew what she meant, and her comment wasn't about you - it was about her. Either ALL mums are full time or ALL mums are part time (because we all have SOME time off), depending how you look at it. People say "full-time" when they do not have a job outside of being a mum. People have been saying it for decades. Everyone knows what it means.

What a load of crap!
Do men get called part time Dads if they WOH?
No they are Dads.
Its a relationship to the child -Mother/ Father/Mum/ Dad
Shes a SAHP

Well you don’t actually stop being a mum
even when your kids are grown up, but it hardly involves doing anything full time!

This. I see this comment as her reflecting somewhat wistfully on what she has lost in her life being a SAHM.

You saw it as a dig as you are feeling sensitive about going back to work. ( I say this as a FT working parent).

Christ some people are touchy as fuck! I can only assume the people tying themselves up in knots about this are new mums? Wait until your kids are teenagers, you won't care what kind of mum people describe you as. None of this will matter then, no one will give a shit if you stayed at home or worked 24/7 when they were young and no one will be able to tell which kids were in childcare and which kids were at home with a parent.

If we're going to argue semantics, I'm going to throw my hat into the ring with:

I strenuously object to being labelled a SAHM.

The implication is that I always Stay At Home, and I don't. I go out every day, and always have done. Except if I or the children have been ill. Sometimes it sounds like an order:
Stay At Home, Mum! As if I'm not important enough to venture into public because I don't Earn Money Outside The Home.

The point is, it doesn't matter what someone calls themselves. If you're happy with what you are, it shouldn't bother you. If it bothers you, there's probably a reason for it (as in your case, OP- going back to work after mat leave is hard).

There's enough shit going on in the world without fretting about what someone else describes themselves as.

Parenting isn’t about being physically welded to their child. In fact many would argue that a mother engaged in activity which takes them out of the house are engaged in some very strong parenting as example of independence

And that is a very valid point, there are many ways to to show examples of being independent without it being a paid role.

There are also many who would argue having a parent at home is what is best for their child and those as a parent.

Its not a competition. Its not ones better than the other. Its just one chooses to stay at home and the other chooses to work.
Why people allow themselves to be dragged into these vile debates and try to belittle, lessen the other is beyond me.

OP the person you spoke to just used a well used phrase to explain shes a SAHP, please dont burden yourself with thinking those comments are in anyway aimed at you. Just see it as their description of what they do. Not better, not worse, just as is.

Surely on both sides the only reason you directly attack another person's choices is if you feel threatened or are simply very unkind.

You can say it wouldn't be a choice, which is fine but to be so personal and attack others just shows their own lackings IMO.

I remember some twatty woman saying to me at a party when I told her I had a baby and worked part time “ oh you are a part time mum are you ?” Couldn’t think of anything to say to her .

Still irks me to this day !

Working mum or stay at home mum
Not are parenting full time, one in the home and one outside it.
The difference is one is employed and helping support their family
One is unemployed and reliant on others for money.

It just means you do the childcare full time. Obviously everyone is still a parent even when they’re doing things other than direct childcare. I can see why it annoys people, but I don’t think it’s actually intended to be nasty in the same way calling SAHPs unemployed is.

She is there with her child mumming 24/7.

Mumming??

the vast majority of people that have been both a SAHM and worked will tell you that being a SAHM is harder. This includes me!!!

This lady is jealous because she knows your life is easier than hers. Don’t believe, be a SAHM mum for three years!!!

I think; 'oh and evidently you're a judgmental arsehole' would have covered it nicely!