Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

Then how come you always turn up on SAHP threads making disparaging comments about them? Can guarantee if it’s about SAHP you are there. About how you’d ‘rather stick pins in your eyes’ and how their lifestyle is funded by someone else (which you’re making assumptions about and have no idea what that person brought financially to the partnership before choosing to be a SAHP). About how people shouldn’t be valued. If you have no interest in SAHP how come you turn up on every thread to have a go at people? Your comments are always barbed. You were abusive towards a mother who worked and had a partner who didn’t work the other day, she was clearly upset. You clearly have an issue with SAHP. But it’s not your business how other people choose to conduct their affairs. You work, that’s nice for you. Others don’t and that’s nice for them.

sounds like jealously to me!

That's why I decided to leave the thread earlier

I felt @Topgub was putting words in my mouth. It does indeed feel like jealousy.

I don't understand the jealousy comments all the time, someone not agreeing with you doesn't mean they are jealous.

You have to be pretty conceited to assume everyone is jealous of you.

Not just on this thread but generally in life as well!

Ffs, not this again.

I swear to god, some people are the professionally offended.

Its blatantly obvious what the woman meant - that she DOES direct parenting "full time" - ie. at the exclusion of another job / role.

And before anyone piles up with - "Oooooh well what about if her DH has the kids for a few hours - oooh, that's not full time is it?" Arrrgggh! She just means "full time" in the sense you would if you consider you do full-time hours in a job. You don't have to be in the workplace 24/7 to consider yourself a "full time" staff member do you - just show up 9-5 or whatever is required by the employer. She is with the baby as the baby requires - 'full time.'

Obviously -

There is BEING a parent (you will still BE that child's parent if you are in the office or on the moon)

Then there is DOING parenting - which strangely enough, you cannot do from the office or the moon. You can only do this if you are physically WITH the child. This is why you might employ a "full time" nanny or put your child in childcare "full time." Amazing. Who knew?

I hate the use of 'full time mummy' to describe a mother at home. It's ridiculous and quite offensive to imply that working mothers aren't full time parents. Also if you really want to nitpick, some working parents are probably doing far more parenting than some sahm's. There are countless posters on MN describing being at home with their own child as "mind numbing", grinding" boring" and so on. A working parent might come home from work and have far more quality time and do far more parenting in the time they have than some sahm's do all day.

Note the use of the words MIGHT, PROBABLY and SOME throughout the post before anyone leaps down my throat.

Working parent still cooks, cleans reads , plays and does all the other stuff needed to parent but they also contribute financially and work in paid employment.
A stay at home parent does all domestic stuff and child stuff but it's not a job and is not paid work.
I have been both at some point .
There is no right or wrong choice.
But don't say being at home with a child is a job.
It is not !
A job is paid employment

I think she probably regrets her choice

She's probably bored and resentful

You're right. Being a full time mother is not a JOB, it's a career, and a vocation, and a valuable contribution to society. Working in an office, factory, or shop is a job.

Bbq1 - yes, I would agree that patenting is about quality over quantity to a large extent.

Hiwever, even if you are parenting at very top quality (whatever that means) before and after work, you are still not DOING parenting 'full time'. It's physically impossible to be doing something when you're not there!

I think it's just feel quite offensive because the implication is that, if you go to work, for the time you're at work you stop being 'a mum', or that you're a part time mum. Which obviously isn't true. There's a difference between being a 'mum', and providing childcare. Not sure of what a better term is though, other than 'I do my own childcare (most of the time, apart from when they're at school etc)' which is a bit of a mouthful😂

I think you're doing 'parenting' full time no matter if you have a job or not. 'Childcare' is a better term for what you're not doing when you're not physically present.

But don't say being at home with a child is a job.
It is not !
A job is paid employment

What are you actually trying to say?

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps honestly it's not a Career.There is no opportunity for progression, you are not paid!
It is looking after a child you chose to have.
And doing nothing else in the process that contributes to your own financial security.

Think you’re being massively over sensitive.

‘full time mum’ was just a phrase concocted in recognition of the fact that parenting is a full time job and probably to make Sahm’s feel better about not working too.

its hardly a dig- especially if this was a one off comment.

no ones suggesting you ‘stop being a mother’ working 9-5.

it sounds like you aren’t entirely happy with being back at work if you’re feeling touchy about this remark.

Put it this way, some mums have children at boarding schools for six weeks at a time. They are still the child's mum because well... they are! Who else is the mum? Of course you don't stop BEING a mum when you're not with you child.

But nobody would say a mum with a child in a boarding school for weeks in end is a full-time mum. They are not DOING parenting when they are not physically with their child.

Just like a mum who works 9-5 or whatever is still obviously the the child's mum but they are not DOING it full-time in the way a SAHM generally is..

When my kids started school, I was still their mum, but I was not a "full-time mum" to them anymore - as they were someone else's responsibility 9-4. Which meant I could do and focus on other things during this time in a way I couldn't have done before.

My husband is the only dad my kids have. But he's not a "full time dad" if he's doing something else for a large chunk of their waking hours.How can he be?

Of course you're parenting full time when you're at work.

My son is unwell :I leave work and stay off looking after him.

special days/events/appointments:I book time off and go.

School events :As above

During my lunch breaks I often make phone calls and book activities etc related to my ds.

Above all, I am still parenting full time, working part time

@pinklavenders a job is paid employment
You are not earning money staying at home.
You are being financially supported.
You are not employed
Being a parent is not a job regardless of how much domestic shit you do.
That's just home life.
Not work

I get it you don't like stay at home mums. Nuff said. Your comments are so rude and disparaging (and quite inaccurate.) I am actually embarrassed for you.

Yep! You DEFINITELY have an issue with stay at home mums. Methinks the lady doth protest too much. And you sound really resentful and jealous. You should work on doing something about that. It's NOT a good look.

I like to think that these things are a slip of the tongue. When children are 3 and go to nursery, not even a sahp is a 'full time' parent.

I have been a sham and I never once thought of it as a job.
That's embarrassing.
It's not .
I was reliant on someone else for money.
I was not paid .
I did not earn.
I have no problem with peoples choice but it's really not a job and people who do work still manage to do all the other stuff plus earn their own money.

I say that as if the comment was a dig.

I don't for one second think that you are anything other than a full time parent

So the other parent when they are parenting doesn't count? If the other parent, parents alone for 25% of the time then she's not a full time mum? So why is she saying she is?

And FYI once you're a parent (and have an active role in your DCs life, you're a full time mum!)

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps I'm not jealous.
It's factual. It is not a career.
Saying it is is embarrassing.
It's looking after children you chose to have while not financially contributing.
I have no problem with people who do that. I did for 4 years.
I never once said it was my career while I was doing so.😂😂😂