Fucking hate this term

[MolliciousIntent]

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

The bit you missed is that it's actually exactly the same issue with the phrase working mums or working parent. They also aren't working 100% of the time, so no reason for work to define them, and it doesn't. SAHM can choose to get upset that they are also "working" looking after their child, so it might come across as a dig, if they are feeling fragile.

@MRex yes I agree but I used the term working to explain my point.

The same could be said for the term SAHP, even though we know SAHP don’t actually have to stay at home and can leave anytime they want to.
But it’s just a term.

If someone asked me what I did for a living I would say what I did as my job. I wouldn’t say I’m a working parent. I only say that on here when we’re discussing things like this.
If I was a SAHP I would say I’m a SAHP.

Most people don’t care and they’re just trying to make conversation or get to know you better.

Of course being a stay at home parent isn't a job, in the same way doing your own cooking/ cleaning/ washing/ life admin isn't a job. Not saying it isn't hard, but choosing to provide all your own childcare isn't a job.

Of course it's a job though...just not a paid job. If you didn't do it yourself you would pay someone else to do it, and they would be performing a job, wouldn't they?

@SunnyD44 - yes. The thing is that it's also the same term OP used in her very first post, while criticising the term the other mum had used to describe herself. That's why it seemed useful to point out that offence can be taken any which way, if someone is feeling insecure.

@Ilikepinacoladass - you're changing words and then arguing. Cleaning the house is working, but it isn't a job. Nobody said it was a job. An answer is sometimes need to

Posted too soon.
An answer is sometimes needed to what people do for a living, because that's a common question.

Of course being a stay at home parent isn't a job, in the same way doing your own cooking/ cleaning/ washing/ life admin isn't a job. Not saying it isn't hard, but choosing to provide all your own childcare isn't a job

Imagine if every mother 'worked' for her neighbour's household (instead of her own) and got paid by them.

Then the same 'work' would be completed as before but all mothers would be 'paid' employees.

I remember leaving a meet up in tears as all the back to work mums had gone abit far extolling the virtues of nursery for 6 month olds and I was devastated Dd would miss out on “socialising” and learning French!

Being a SAHM might not be a job, but it is work. And the obverse term to SAHM is working mum.

As I've said eleventy-five times on this thread, neither term is great, but we don't have anything better for either role. We know what they're intended to convey, so surely it's time to stop being so thin skinned and just own our decisions?

Cleaning the house is working, but it isn't a job. Nobody said it was a job.

It IS a job, whether it's paid or not.

Working/jobs relate to paid employment.

Its only sahms who object to these definitions

If you asked anyone else if doing your own washing was a job or working they'd think you were mad.

I was a sahm and I hate the phrase full time parent. We are all full time parents!! And some work, some kids go to childcare/school. But we are all parents all of the time. Also it's not a competition both are valid positions.

It isn’t a job and pretending it is makes people look silly.

It is work.

Literally every sahm of babies and pre schools myself included is back at work it’s a life stage not an irrevocable choice. Saying unemployed is downright bitchy.

The former SAHMs you know may be - but there are plenty of women with children at school (often secondary schools, sometimes boarding schools!) who never go back to paid employment. At some point they are better described as unemployed.

The former SAHMs you know may be - but there are plenty of women with children at school (often secondary schools, sometimes boarding schools!) who never go back to paid employment. At some point they are better described as unemployed.

The trouble with saying your unemployed in my experience is that people tend to assume you want a job and try and help you find one. I prefer to say I've taken early retirement.

So doing my own gardening or diy or cleaning or washing or shopping is a job too? Life is full of 'work', but saying you're 'full time ' xyz implies it's a 'job'

Is she also homeschooling?
What do full time mum do while kids are in school? Sit next to them? Unsure.

Who cares....it's just semantics. Just get on with your life and forget this nonsense...no one really cares if you work or not.

Well clearly the OP cared, and by the looks of this thread, many other people feel quite strongly about the issue.
It's fine if you don't care, or if you think that no one else care (which I disagree with), but you can't just tell people not to care.

And it's not just semantics, people feel sensitive and judged.

Some of us have to work in order for our children to be fed and have a roof over their heads.

...." It isn't a jobs"...

It's incredibly hard work.
Incredibly hard work.

well seems the choice is being an unemployed loser or a hard hearted child abandoner - women really can’t win either way! So refuse to rise to it defend your choices positively without bringing down other women.

The OP is about a 'friend' who needed to point out that she can't go to London because she is a full time mum. As OP can go to London, this can only be interpreted as OP apparently being just a part time mother.

it's not just semantics, people feel sensitive and judged
A key part of raising children is teaching them how to articulate feelings, how to regulate emotions and resilience to handle situations that they don't immediately like. You are responsible for your own feelings. It's reasonable to have an emotional response, but what you need to do is consider why you feel like that, regulate your own emotions and work on your own resilience.

After the age of 3 no one is really a full time mum. Nursery, grandparents and eventually schools take on the role, even if the mother doesn't work formally.

I couldn’t have been clearer. Let me spell it out one more time. I find your idea that SAHMs should be called unemployed contemptuous. Got it?

And there you go again, suggesting I’ve said something I haven’t. I would like you to quote what I have said that is judging, subtly or otherwise, working mothers. Go on. Quote please. I’m judging you, and your horrible attitude.