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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking hate this term

1000 replies

MolliciousIntent · 31/08/2022 19:03

Conversation today with an acquaintance, who is a SAHP, has oddly kinda upset me. I've just gone back to work after 6m mat leave and mentioned that I'll be going into London for work now and then - she said "oh it's been ages since I went to London, but then again I am a full time mum."

I'm probably just tired and stressed, but it felt like a bit of a guy punch. I'm a full time mum too. I just work as well. I've seen SAHMs described as full time mums before, now I think about it, and it makes me feel weird.

Do people really think working mums are part time parents? Or was she just having a dig?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
LittleBearPad · 31/08/2022 23:11

Pinkpeony2 · 31/08/2022 22:40

But if you washed clothes all day every day from 7am-7pm (maybe for all your friends and family) it would be a job. A voluntary job but still a job.

Show quote history

No it wouldn’t be.

DucklingDaisy · 31/08/2022 23:14

ganvough · 31/08/2022 21:48

So the point is you can be a 'home maker' and parent, or a nurse/lawyer/hair dresser etc etc and parent - neither is with the child 24/7 (when at school) but BOTH are still parenting 24/7. Hence BOTH are full time mums.

Show quote history

Sure, but with a baby and a toddler what I do during normal working hours is closer to what a nanny does. Most of the housework I do in the evenings.

DucklingDaisy · 31/08/2022 23:18

grayhairdontcare · 31/08/2022 22:49

@DucklingDaisy but you are not a Nanny if you are a sahp.
They are earning money by doing a job.
A sahp ( unless they are very individually wealthy) is relying on someone else for money.
They are earning nothing.
No financial contribution whatsoever.
Being a parent is not a job.

If no family member was available to look after the kids because they were all doing paid work, someone else would have to be paid to do it. That makes it an economic contribution in kind.

surreygirl1987 · 31/08/2022 23:19

Nah. I think you're overreacting. I don't parent full time. My little boys are in nursery all week. I work full time and I look after my boys evenings and weekends. I'd hate to be a full time mum! SAHM is potentially problematic too - they don't literally sit at home all day! I don't think there's a term that would make everyone happy to describe a parent who looks after their child 24/7.

Viviennemary · 31/08/2022 23:19

This has been discussed endlessly. Seems all about SAHM's trying to prove their worth. Why do they evem need to. As long as their families appreciate the, that is all thats needed IMHO.

saraclara · 31/08/2022 23:23

I did barely any housework (probably just the washing and general tidying) when I was a SAHM. My DH was a wonderful man, and still did 50% of the housework with me at the weekend. And cooked dinner while I gave my babies their evening feed.

Hence I was no one's housewife or home maker. I was a full time mum.

I will never use the word 'mumming' to define what I did though! I did what a nanny or childminder would do. I focused on the kids (and Neighbours when they were napping! The first episode aired in the first day of my maternity leave 😂)

QuietYou · 31/08/2022 23:24

I've started saying I'm retired now my children are school age and older it raises some eyebrows but it (hopefully) doesn't offend anyone.
I started saying I was between jobs but then people would helpfully tell me about job vacancies.

saraclara · 31/08/2022 23:26

Viviennemary · 31/08/2022 23:19

This has been discussed endlessly. Seems all about SAHM's trying to prove their worth. Why do they evem need to. As long as their families appreciate the, that is all thats needed IMHO.

Except the OP is about a mum about to go back to paid work and trying to prove her worth as still a full time mum

Christonabike37 · 31/08/2022 23:31

I think YABU but maybe I'm projecting because my H works outside (I actually wfh while looking after DS single handedly) and I definitely consider him a part time at best parent.

eastegg · 31/08/2022 23:32

TartanGirl1 · 31/08/2022 23:02

@eastegg and the contempt drips from some SAHM comments.

Some comments like full time mum or unemployed are meant as insults and some are not it all in how someone else chooses to take it.

Totally the same thing!

Good grief this debate is sinking to some really shit level now. ‘But sometimes the other side are contemptuous too…’. Jesus. The anti-feminists will be rubbing their hands in glee.

Tigofigo · 31/08/2022 23:34

I don't like it either, it's fucking twee and a bad phrase. Not enough to get worked up about it though.

As an aside, I'm certain I have done more hours of parenting while working part time than most SAHPs I know do - they put their DC in nursery a few days a week and / or get help from family. We don't, and our DC aren't fans of sleep, meaning we get an extra couple of hours parenting in the night. Fun!

notacooldad · 31/08/2022 23:37

Youve made her comment about you.
She was commenting on her circumstances.
Dont be so touchy and taking things as a slight against you.
Even if it was a dig, shug it off. It's no big deal. 🤷‍♀️

eastegg · 31/08/2022 23:42

Topgub · 31/08/2022 23:01

@eastegg

No more so that full time mum.

Which isn't even factual

🤷‍♀️

You sound like you’re agreeing with me that your posts drip with contempt for SAHMs? If so, cool, I’m done, because that’s pretty much all I’ve said. I’m not here to join a ‘side’ like you clearly are. Just really dismayed at the anti-women depths to which this debate has sunk.

TartanGirl1 · 31/08/2022 23:43

Ah so only one side of a debate is allowed to take offence whilst the other side is always in the wrong gotcha....

Mariposista · 31/08/2022 23:52

not being unreasonable at all OP, this term absolutely revolts me.
My mum was a single mum and worked so so hard to put a roof over our heads. She set me the very best example and was no way ‘part time’ as everything she did was for our wellbeing.
This ridiculous woman might interpret her situation as ‘full time mum’, others may say she is ‘unemployed’. Neither are right or wrong! Either way, ignore her.

Luredbyapomegranate · 31/08/2022 23:58

I don’t think she meant anything by it OP, just that she has no reason to go. FT mother is often just an occupation description not a criticism.

It’s so easy for everyone to get offended and feel divided in this area. You will be happier if you try and avoid that.

Cornishclio · 31/08/2022 23:59

That's ridiculous. You are either a mum or you aren't regardless of your working situation. So in your case you are a mum who also happens to work outside the home. She is a SAHM.

saraclara · 01/09/2022 00:11

If I was going to nitpick terms, I'd dump SAHM. When I didn't do paid work, I certainly didn't 'stay at home'. That sounds so insular and pathetic. My babies and I were out and about all the time, at groups, at friends', or just out in the world - at the library, or the park, or a walk in the woods.

We'd go out in the morning, home for lunch and nap, and then usually another little trip out or walk in the afternoon.

As had been said often, there is no perfect term for either group, and most of us are intelligent enough to gauge the meaning and not look for offence where none is intended.

Livinginanotherworld · 01/09/2022 00:24

grayhairdontcare · 31/08/2022 20:54

Working mum or stay at home mum
Not are parenting full time, one in the home and one outside it.
The difference is one is employed and helping support their family
One is unemployed and reliant on others for money.

Hmmm….you sound like a working mum with a chip on her shoulder here ?
to re quote you

“the difference is one Is employed and helping support their family”………….yes running around like a headless chicken being pulled in all direction. Yes lots of my friends describe themselves like this and are always stressed, only really have quality time at the weekends. Kids miss out on out of school activity’s as they are stuck in wrap around care.

“One is unemployed and reliant on others for money “ ……….No, the other one is saving £000 of pounds by looking after her own children rather than paying most of her salary on childcare and having a precious few years spending time she won’t get back. There is always plenty of time to go back to when they start school.

If you have a choice, fine, own your decision….but don’t slam others who have chosen the other way. If you have no choice, then yes you are bound to feel a bit sensitive and sometimes this comes out as a little sarky jealous comments. But if you have to work, then it is what it is. Most women who choose to stay at home make a conscious choice to do so, please don’t ridicule their choice by calling them unemployed their contribution to the household saves thousands of pounds and it extremely hard work .

nonamehere · 01/09/2022 00:30

PeasOff · 31/08/2022 23:09

Also, it's not 'work' if you're doing it in your own home (domestic duties).

Well it certainly felt like work when I was moving the furniture around today to hoover behind it! (Not a frequent occurrence...)

Your comment here poses an interesting question though - is it only work if you're paid for it? Cleaning someone else's house for money is work, but cleaning your own isn't? What about doing your elderly Mum's cleaning for no pay- is that work? Are voluntary tasks/contributions to society (litter picking say, or organising a fundraiser) work? Some tasks are enjoyable, but still require time and effort, and would be 'work' if they were part of someone's paid job. Hmm...

(Apologies to OP for wandering off topic)

Goldencarp · 01/09/2022 00:36

I’ve never used “full time mum” or even “stay at home mum”. I get what she means though, that she’s a with her kids full time. I wouldn’t take it personally.

ganvough · 01/09/2022 00:39

No, the other one is saving £000 of pounds by looking after her own children rather than paying most of her salary on childcare and having a precious few years spending time she won’t get back. There is always plenty of time to go back to when they start school.

This bit about saving the household money on child care is really something the patriarchy has come up with to convince women it's a good deal. Its very short termist. It's only a good option when done for a short period until kids are in school. But for a lot of women this period can last a long enough time that they struggle to get back into the work place and so never manage to reach their full earning potential, or have the chance to contribute to pension, savings etc - so a few years of saving on child care does not balance out the decades of lost income that can follow for the household, particularly in retirement. Not to mention the huge risk of divorce or a partner losing their job which will cost the household a lot more than a few years of child care.

Limpshade · 01/09/2022 00:46

Yes, it's clumsy. I've heard it a few times. The only time it's bothered me though is when an acquaintance called themselves it and both their kids go to school. How are you a full time mum when your kids are at school most of the day/year Hmm

lollipoprainbow · 01/09/2022 00:49

I hate this too, I'm a mum 24/7 not just when I'm at home !!

Rosecottage888 · 01/09/2022 01:04

Neither phrase bothers me really. I worked nights when DS1 was little, so effectively was a 'full time mum' during the day.

With DS 2 I work full time and he is in nursery 4 days a week and with my mum
For 1, I see myself as no less of a full time mum now than I did then 🤷🏻‍♀️

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